The benefit of doubt

From an early age on, I was thought that doubt was a bad thing. Yet, I did it a lot. I doubted the rules my parents wanted me to live by, the rules of society in general, the religious beliefs I was told were right, and later on even things like morals and taboos. In a way, I have always refused to accept anything just because other people said it was the right thing. Not that I was a rebel. I can honestly say I was a well behaved child, I had good grades at school, in fact I never stood out in any way. But my thoughts were mine and mine alone, although occasionally I did share them with my parents, which usually lead to violent discussions ending in "go to your room!".

Still I believe that doubting anything and everything is the way to go. The moment we accept anything as the absolute truth, as undoubtedly right.. is where we loose our autonomy as human beings. Take religion as an example. All the extreme believers, wether they believe in Allah, God, Jahweh or even Satan, make the same mistake: they accept their own truth as the truth, and reject everything else. What if they turn out to be wrong? Or even worse, what, if they are failing to see the bigger picture and in fact, all of them are right, but by rejecting all other religions, all of them are wrong, too? Why can't we just all agree on the simple basics, without turning them into any sort of dogma, and leave it at that?

We are being manipulated into accepting lots of truths, all the time. Without doubt. This is good, that is bad, why? because it just is. Well, I guess I am a very bad person, then. I had sex long before I ever got married, I was divorced twice, I left the church and went on a neverending quest to define my own spiritual beliefs. I have put people in hospital, and I will do so again without hesitation to defend myself or anyone I care about. I will kill and steal if I have to, and I define when I have to. I believe there are circumstances under which anything and everything is justified. I love my loved ones and I know they love me, but I don't take this as a given nor do I expect it to last forever. One day at a time. My body is pierced and tattooed and I like it that way. I make my own choices, and they are valid for this moment, but if circumstances change, tomorrow's choice may be quite different and I won't feel guilty or bad because of that.

In remaining fluid in our judgment and perceptions, we use the full potential of our tremendous brain. It also saves us lots of stress. Once you stop taking anything as a given and move to a more day to day type approach, you automatically stop worrying about most things. Not careless, just focussed on making the best of the only moment in time we have any influence on: now. Not rebellious, just out of the box. Doubt is a very useful thinking process. If there is one thing I don't doubt.. it's the benefit of doubt.

Christmas

Some of you may not like what I am about to write here. But it is the truth, and as such, it needs to be told. I hate Christmas. Why? Well.. many reasons. I'm not religious, I think the whole spirit of Christmas is as fake as can be, I'm allergic to prickly trees, and I dislike dumb people in large quantities. But most of all I hate it because this is the time of the year when people gather because it's so.. cozy. What exactly is so cozy about getting together with people you avoid the rest of the year is beyond me, but still, it is what we are supposed to do. The forced happiness, the silly songs, the "awww c'mon, it's Christmas!" being used as a valid reason for anything and everything. The stores, packed to the rafters with stuff we don't need and can't really afford but buy anyhow. People groceries shopping and buying enough to feed an average family for weeks, afraid they may forget to buy that one item that makes Christmas special. And since on Christmas itself the stores will be closed for 2 whole days, one never knows what one might need. Best to be prepared.

And as a parent, you can't get away from it. We don't really celebrate Christmas around this house, but the school makes very sure our kids are brainwashed into believing they need to celebrate it. For weeks they have been learning Christmas songs at school, often to melodies that seem completely random and are impossible to sing. They have made Christmas decorations and brought them home, and I've kind of forgotten to place those in the house and luckily, so have the kids. But, there's more! This is Christmas, and so we need.. festivities! And thus I'm forced to sit in a packed school gym amidst other parents to watch the kids perform a Christmas musical. The good old bible story about Joseph and Mary. A 10 year old girl with a pillow stuffed under her dress playing the virgin Mary. It was actually quite hilarious when she told Joseph; "great news! I am going to have a baby!" and Joseph, clearly not destined to become a great actor, responding "Oh.. great". Mind you, I actually think "oh.. great" is a mild response given the fact the original Joseph had never had sex with his Mary, I bet most men would respond quite differently. But anyhow, I sat through the whole thing, praised my son for lighting his candle (the only role he had in the entire musical) exactly in time, and being glad it was over.
Tonight, we're expected to come to school once more, this time because they are having a "Christmas market". Tons of fun! Hot snacks, prepared on barbeques in the school yard. The smell alone is enough to make you lose your appetite but.. ohyes, lovely, I'll have one of.. well.. that. More Christmas decorations the kids made, only this time we can buy them. (Yeah right, like I would want to pay for.. sigh.. alright, I'll have the purple glittery star please, just what I always wanted).Great gifts like Santa hats with woolen braids attached to them, reindeer antlers with lights, candles hand decorated with.. well.. I honestly have no idea what it's supposed to be. Loud, as in LOUD! Christmas songs played on the school's ancient stereo system and speakers. Ho, ho, ho. And there is no escape, because we're packed together like sheep ready to get slaughtered, all of us parents and our children, pushing through the crowd desperately trying to keep smiling, and trying to motivate ourselves by continuously repeating the "oooh, isn't this wonderful?" mantra to ourselves and anyone we see.

We'll need to stay there for at least an hour else the kids will be very disappointed, because the school has made very sure they're looking forward to this event as if it's as good as Disneyland. (Not that i think Disneyland is that good, but that's an entirely different story). Once back home, I will most likely collapse at my desk and try to deal with the built up stress. So far, I have managed to do so without any additional therapy or professional help, but it is getting tougher each year.

Focus Kitten, focus. Think of the one word that always pulls you through. Say it, over and over again. Ohyes, yess! I take a deep breath and then I say it, out loud:

January

Almost there. All I need to do is hang in there, and January will be. Christmas and everything it stands for survived once more and banished to the dark shelves in the basement where the boxes with the decorations will be. Almost a year to go and recover until the Christmas circus starts all over again.

Practical Magick

On our way home from school. Two shopping bags and the kids' schoolbags dangling from the steer of my bike as I walk, the kids on either side of me. We all hate this time of the year. It's cold, and gray, and on top of that it's raining. Not very hard, but enough to get soaked during the half hour it takes us to get home. We get to the traffic lights at the big crossroads. The pedestrian light is red, and so we wait. Standing still only makes us feel the cold and the rain even more.

My son mutters. "Dang, I wish it would stop raining." I grin. "True, it's been doing that all day now, the plants have more than enough water. I'll work on it." Then my girl lets out a deep sigh. "This light takes forever to get green. Can't you make it go green?" Her trust in my capacities knows almost no boundaries, but I hear her thinking I won't be able to do it. "Of course I can make it go green." She laughs. "Yeah right, mom". I smile. "Watch." I take a deep breath, narrowing my eyes for a moment, focusing. Then I count, slowly, steadily, out loud and in a voice that displays an absolute belief in my power to do this. "Three.. two.. one.. GREEN!". The very second I say "green" the light turns green.

She gasps. "ohmyGod.. mom! You can really do it! How.. how on earth.." I just smile and lead them across the crossroads but she won't drop the subject. "Tell me!". "Are you sure you want to know? It's really very simple. We pass this point every day. I have watched and learned. So, I knew there are exactly four seconds between the lights on the other side turning red, and our light turning green. All I did was wait until I saw the light over there turn red and count down. Everything else you saw was a distraction."

She giggles. "Oww.. and I really believed you used magick there. You trickster!" We both laugh. Then my son, who has remained silent through it all, speaks. "But it has stopped raining." A wide grin as I cuddle him. "Oh! Yes it has, hasn't it!".

Stray

I know he is there when I hear him, screaming in our front yard late at night. The sound is not that of a cat at all, somewhere in between the howling of a wolf and the crying of a child. But he is a cat, just a very big, very scared, and very hungry one. I suspect what's driving him out of his hideaway, probably somewhere in the woods surrounding this place, is pure desperation. Hunger, making him overcome his fear. His looks indicate he has been out there for a long time. He has the size of a small dog, thick, rough striped fur and his head is as wide as the rest of his body, making him look like a smaller version of a lynx. We have named him Stray.

It is midnight and freezing cold as I step outside, holding a bowl of catfood. The instant he sees me he dashes to the other side of the front yard, watching me from there, big yellow eyes flickering in the dark. My own cats are outside as well, clearly not happy with the presence of the intruder, hissing at him. He moves even further away, hiding under a car in the street. I shake the bowl and he perks up as the familiar sound of food reaches his ears, and very slowly, belly pressed against the ground, he comes closer again. I crouch, making myself as small as possible. The arm with the bowl stretched out towards him, softly calling him, using my other arm to keep my own cats at a distance. "No" in a firm voice if they come too close, and finally they give up trying and stay several metres behind me, leering.

Suddenly, he's there. Taking a mouthful of food from the bowl and immediately backing off again, swallowing hungrily, hardly taking time to chew. I put the bowl down and he approaches, and for a minute or two I find myself sitting right next to this magnificent creature, crouching with my arms around my knees, not making a move. I watch him eat, while he divides his attention between eating and keeping an eye on me and my cats, hissing at them occasionally. I wonder what he's thinking. Most likely, all he really cares about is the food. Still, behind all the agression I see a nice animal, just very scared, and hardened by the life he is forced to live.

I wonder if he can be tamed. Very slowly, I outstretch an arm towards him, hand open, palm up, showing him clearly there's nothing there to harm him. His eyes narrow but he continues gobbling down the catfood and I leave my hand there, ony a few inches away from him, inviting him to come closer and be petted. He strikes faster than lightning. His front paw lashing out at my hand, long sharp claws bare, breaking my skin. Too late to withdraw, all I can do is move with him and so I move my hand down so his claw doesn't dig as deeply into my flesh as it could have.

I don't make a sound. He is at the other end of the garden again, watching me. Looking straight at him, our eyes meet. With his stomach full and at a safe distance, every bit of fear has vanished from him. Almost majestic he is sitting straight up, yellow eyes flashing. I grin. Foolish girl, whatever made you think he could be tamed and turned into a domestic cat. He may not have chosen the life he is living, but it is where he belongs. And you may feed him, from time to time. Don't expect anything in return, apart from being allowed to revel in his beauty and wildness. When I finally get up to go back inside he takes two big leaps and vanishes from sight. Back to the woods. The house is warm and comfy and my bed awaits. But first.. a bandaid.

Rules for living

Although I don't identify as belonging to any sort of religion (I take what I like from multiple spiritual directions and disregard the rest) a major part of me is buddhist. Buddhism as a spiritual path primarily means the exploration and development of ourselves. Its spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, is a man of incredible wisdom, yet he always has remained humble, friendly and down to earth. Whenever my life gets rough and I loose my focus, I always find guidance in the 19 simple rules he once wrote down as a guideline to live by. So here they are. For now I'm just posting them, but I will probably comment on them in further posts. Comments from others of course highly appreciated as well.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--- Rules for living - The Dalai Lama

A new blog

No, I'm not changing blogspots again, I am way too happy simply being me without the hassle of hiding behind a fake identity. But I will be writing for another blog as well. As those of you who know me a little bit may already have gathered, I like the works of Robert Heinlein. And primarily his ideas and thoughts on society, politics, love, jealousy, polyarmory and many other things. So when a friend mentioned he wanted to start a group blog dedicated to discussing Heinlein's ideas I of course wanted to be a part of that. It's just the two of us for now, but maybe over time more people will join in. Anyhow.. here's the link: The Heinlein Blog.

Conversation with my Guardian Angel

I go downstairs to smoke in the room we use for this purpose and I'm not even all that surprised to find her sitting in the best chair in the room, leaning back, and grinning. I can't help but stare at her legs, shaped to perfection, dangling over the edge of the chair. "Don't ever cross them" she told me a hundred times. "It's bad for your chi and besides, there is nothing there to be ashamed of." I sit down in the other chair.

She grins. "So, how's life?". I mumble a "fine" and she gives me that "cut the crap" look. "Okay well it's not fine. I'm about to terminate another online relationship because it's just not working, I have had the kids home sick for a whole week and the house is a mess and I'm so not looking forward to having to clean that up, it makes me feel like Tantalus carrying water up the hill in a leaking basket and never ever getting to the top because way before he reaches it, the water has all leaked out."
She laughs out loud, this perfect laugh of hers, enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was built for music by the previous owner, a professional violin player.

"Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we". I pout and state I have every reason to. In a split second her face goes from laughter to anger. "No, you don't." I know better than to argue with her, so instead I try to relax in my chair and take the beating that I know is coming. She just looks at me and lights a cigarette, slowly blowing out the smoke in perfect circles. Clearly enjoying it she grins at me. "You should stop smoking, you know that. It's bad for your health and you're a long way from reaching the level where it can't harm you. Too bad really.. these are good." I tell her she's a mean sadist bitch and she smiles. "I know. It's why you love me so much."

She inhales deeply, then looks me straight into the eye. "You are here, because you chose to be here. If this isn't where you want to be, then I suggest you pack your bags, catch a train and go to wherever it is you do want to be. But you won't, because this is who you are, and it's all good. You may think you have a right to feel sorry for yourself but really, that is a totally useless emotion. Learn the lessons, and move on." I sigh and nod. "That is a very easy thing to say, from your point of view. But tell me this. Why is it that more often than not, I end up being neglected by people I care about. Taken for granted, kept waiting, put at the bottom of the priority list? Am I so unsignificant, so not interesting to spend time with?" She laughs. I hate it when she laughs at moments like this. "You are the common denominator in all your failed relationships, dear. And to answer your question as to why? Simply, because you let them."

I shake my head. "No, no, no, NO! You're oversimplifying things again. That isn't how it works. All I need, is a little commitment. Communications. I can take "I won't be here for the next couple of days, because I'm busy elsewhere." I can't take being kept waiting for days in a row without having a clue about why the other person is not around. At least, not when the same person tells me over and over again how much they love me and how important I am to them. I also deal badly with false promises. Doing a no show after telling me they would surely spend time with me that day. Just how friggin' hard is it to at least leave me a "sorry can't make it" message?" I'm fuming. Pure anger, combined with sadness, and it brings tears to my eyes.

For once she doesn't laugh. "Remember the first rule of magic? People are stupid. And what was the first thing you learned when you set out on your path as a warrior? Plug energy leaks. Why do you wait? I'm sure there's tons of useful things you could be doing instead of waiting around for people who, for whatever reason, aren't there when they said they would. Life is a solo challenge. Live it. Enjoy it to the max, and if people want to walk with you that's great, but if not, that should not slow you down. The big mistake you're making over and over again is you depend on other people for your personal happiness. Partly because you feel the need to make them happy too, and partly because even though you have this mighty pair of wings.. you're still afraid to fly. You only do it when you're at the edge of the rock and have no other option left, and by then you have already wasted tons of time and energy on the wrong things."

I growl at her and she blows me a kiss. "More people than you realize care about you a great deal. They will stay with you in one way or another, no matter what you do and where you go. Those are the people that matter. Just be you, and do your things, and everything else will fall into place. Now go clean that house, and your life."

I turn to her. She is gone. I shake my head and laugh, my laughter enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was once built for music. I hear her in there, or do I hear me? There is no difference.

The end?

Linden Labs has been talking about in in their blog for a while now, but today they officially announced that identity verification is coming to Secondlife.

The purpose of all this would be the fact that minors need to be protected from accessing adult content, like strip clubs, free sex places etc. And of course, lots of people are majorly upset about this new development. I could list the pro's and cons here but frankly, that's been done already on the multiple SecondLife forums by countless people.

What I don't understand are basically two things. Why is it, that these days people are extremely sensitive to anything involving minors watching sex? And what the heck happened to the parents' responsibility here?

Let me elaborate. Sex is a normal, healthy activity amongst adults. Healthy kids will start being interested in it during their puberty. Before that, they'll generally not even want to see it. I still remember how my friend and me would lend books from the library showing pictures of genitals and explaining everything there was to know about sex. We would secretly watch her big brother's porn tapes if no one was home. We were around 14, at the time. We wanted to know, it was a hot topic amongst us teenagers. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Especially if you take into account the fact that graphic violence apparently is okay for kids to watch. Numerous news sites show images and movies of war, destruction, disasters, accidents.. but no one is screaming about how viewing that type of content is bad for kids.

And the parents? Isn't it their responsibility to make sure kids don't play games that aren't meant for them? And shouldn't they be the ones educating kids about sex so the kids don't feel the need to seek that on SecondLife?

Whatever happened to common sense, and taking responsibility instead of throwing law suits?

Oh well. The sad thing is it doesn't surprise me. So< I made another cartoon style picture. Enjoy.

Thank you

Oma

"Oma" is Dutch. It means grandmother, but in a very loving, affectionate way. My oma was a very special person. I was 2 years old when my mother left my dad and me. My dad moved back in with his parents, and so it was oma who raised me until I was 5 and my dad remarried. My stepmom and me never got along. I can't count the times oma phoned me to check on me, heard in my voice things at home had turned sour again, and she would get in her ancient red DAF, drive the hour from her house to ours, and as soon as we let her in she would tell me; "You, go get your stuff. I'll talk to your mom." And she would take me with her for a weekend, or longer if I had vacation, and I would get a chance to be away from the stress of living with a stepmother who wasn't ready to have kids and who had no idea how to deal with a highly intelligent (and spoilt rotten) kid outsmarting her in every possible way.. this resulting in her becoming violent.

Oma was an iron lady with a heart. She became a widow at a fairly young age when my grandfather died of cancer. She ruled the family, not always in a pleasant way because she could be very demanding, but she was the one that kept us at least somewhat together when we all became older and each went their own way. Oma's birthday was the one day per year all of us got together. All my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews.. even my brothers and sisters and my father and his wife.. I usually only saw them on oma's birthday. At one point in life I lived only 10 minutes away from oma, and especially during that period I saw her a lot. It was great to be with her, sitting in her huge garden drinking tea, discussing all sorts of things. Her usual comment to my life and my lifestyle was; "well I don't understand much of all those wild things, child.. but I can see you are happy and that is all that matters." When I told her I was divorcing my kids' dad, her response was "Finally! I was wondering how long it would take you to discover he's no good".

Oma was extremely healthy up to a very high age. I still remember phoning her one afternoon, and it took a while before she answered. She must have been in her early eighties, then. When she did answer the phone I apologized and said I didn't mean to wake her from her nap. She almost exploded. "Nap? NAP?? Naps are for old people. I had to climb down the ladder because I was fixing the roof!".

Her biggest fear was to become old, and helpless. She signed several papers stating that if she would become "a vegetable", or totally demented, or too sick to ever recover, she wanted her life to end. She showed me, and probably everybody else as well, those papers. Urged me to help actively end her life, if it ever got to that point. I told her then I wasn't sure I could do that, and she gave me her usual "pfft, of course you can".

At around the age of 90, she did become that old, that demented, and that sick. She was hospitalized and grew weaker and weaker. She didn't recognize anyone anymore. But the doctors would not help her die. Because she wasn't capable of actively stating that was what she wanted, at that point. The papers she signed when she was still very much there, mentally, weren't enough. She slid further and further down, her body weakening, her once so strong mind gone. I haven't seen her during that period. I couldn't bring myself to visiting her. I wanted to remember her the way I knew her: strong, healthy, independent, opinionated. And I knew that, in spite of what she had told me to do if it got to this point, I wouldn't be able to end her life. I could say I couldn't do it because it would surely mean I would end up in jail, since under our laws it would have been murder, and that I didn't want my family to go through that. But I very much doubt I would have been able to do it, even if I had been single. I suppose that makes me a coward.

Why am I sharing all this? Because she died yesterday, at the age of 92. And even though I am tremendously sad, I am also majorly relieved her battle has finally ended.

Oma.. I haven't visited you alot in the past years, and I'm sorry for that. I also know you understand the reasons, and that it had nothing to do with not loving you. You were the closest thing to a mother I have ever had. I will miss you, an awful lot. I know one day we will be together again. Thank you, for everything you did for me, everything you taught me, and for every time you accepted me for who I am without judging, no matter what stupid things I was doing. Rest in peace, you have earned it.

Clicky bits

As I have mentioned before, I play SecondLife, an online virtual world. One of the things you can do there is.. to have sex. Or rather, watch your avatar and that of your partner have sex. In order to make this experience more realistic, it is possible to buy genitals for your avatar which, when clicked, will pop up a menu letting the clicker choose an action, after which the genitals will respond accordingly by saying something in open chat, in green, to distinguish from the normal chat which is shown in white. So, it will look something like "Frank's Penis whispers: "Ooooh yes baby, I so love it when you do that".

Fun? Well frankly.. whispering genitals freak me out. There is something utterly non erotic about them announcing their being "ready for action" then describing every next step in detail in open chat. Preferably in a public place, so all present get their share of the ultimate joy the wearer is experiencing.

Up to a certain level I can understand scripted bits. I mean, male parts in real life have different states of being, so scripting them in SL for a realistic look according to the mood does make sense to me. But the constant, annoying whispering.. *shudders*.

Granted, they are a fine piece of scripting and fairly well sculpted as far as they are visible but thats all. The built in cyber annoys me to no end. It's bad, and even if you go through the trouble of altering the script and writing the lines for your own genitals, it's still dull and soporific. Sex online already lacks the presence of a warm body to hold and the smell, sound and taste of actual sex. Is it really necessary to also remove the only thing that does remain: creativity and stimulating the mind? Do we really like making out with a preprogrammed virtual version of a rubber doll?

And then of course there is the fact you have to click them to get to the next line in the script. Try that in a laggy environment. Or even in a non laggy environment, but using animation balls. Many positions make it almost impossible to click the correct bits. Try clicking his manhood while having sex with him and find the huge invisible ball that is your own clit majorly gets in the way. This probably is the reason why Xcite, the main vendor of genitals in Secondlife, sells all kinds of scripted body parts. Can't get to his tender bits? Oh well, grab a nipple or pinch an ass. Oh and if you click the ass, don't forget to use the "inserts something warm and hard" option. That one at least leaves room for imagination, although with my twisted mind all the "warm and hard" things that come to mind make me giggle.

And then of course, there is the crescendo of it all. Orgasm! Sending female avatars into facial spasms that in real life would make me run to the phone and call an ambulance, and causing male avatars to create a fountain of sperm the average horse would be jealous of. Ladies, don't forget to try this while being on top of your male partner. There is something extremely hilarious about watching that fountain spring from your own spine. Ohyessss baby, shoot straight through me.

People have tried to convince me the good part about using the clicky bits is the fact you don't have to do as much typing so you have your hands free to do.. well.. other things. This may be true, but if that is the goal.. wouldn't it make much more sense to watch a porn video? Much more realistic and no interruptions from having to click things. Nooooo, say the clicky bits fans, that's no good, because it lacks the interaction. Well excuse me but.. what interaction? The one with the script in the other persons bits? The having to pick an action from the blue pop up menu and the excitement of never knowing which of the very few options the other person will pick next from that same menu? Oh wow *yawn*.

I prefer good, creative cyber over clicky bits any day of the week. Excite my mind and my body will follow. If you can't do that.. don't bother.

Joy

A scream from the bathroom. "MOM!! I am having my period!" I smile big as she comes running out, straight into my arms. I catch her and hold her close. "Congratulations, I already suspected that would be the reason for your belly aches these past few days. Now remember what I told you about all this, it's nothing to worry out, just a sign you're becoming a woman. Your belly is now officially ready to have babies." She looks up at me and lets out a heartfelt "eeeewww!!" and we both laugh, remembering our last conversation about sex which she ended by going "Mom.. they use that thing to pee with. Why would I want that inside me??"

Twelve years old, entering the next stage of her development. It brings back a ton of memories in me. From the very first time I had my period (I was almost 17, and worried sick I would never become a woman) but also the difficult circumstances under which she was born. The emergency caesarian after only 7 months of pregnancy which brought her into this world, leaving both her and me fighting for our life but winning the battle, against all odds. The surgeon, asking me if I had a name for the baby and me, half conscious, instantly thinking of a name: "If she survives, there is only one name to properly express what I feel.. her name will be Joy". The doctors at the IC for premature babies being majorly concerned and telling us they had no idea what would become of her, but that the chances of her being severely handicapped were large. Her biological father who at that point seriously considered the option of taking her off all the equipment keeping her alive, and letting her die. And me, literally standing in between her and him, speaking the three words I hardly ever use, but if I do it is very obvious I mean business: "No.. fucking.. way." Followed by a much friendlier, but just as certain: "She'll be fine."

And she is fine. Yes, she has PDD-NOS, a form of autism. She is not the average kid and there are many things she'll never be able to do like a "normal" kid. But she is a beautiful, warm, incredibly creative child, who makes the most amazing art and videos on her computer, can sing very well, and has an outlook on life that is simply fascinating to listen to. She works with energies like a fully trained shaman, and all in all she is simply wonderful. I'll be the first to admit she can be extremely tiring as well, needing lots of attention and sucking tons of energy but even though at times I feel drained, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is, and always will be, my pride and Joy.

I.. have.. the power!

Remember the line I used as the title for this entry? It comes from "He-man, Masters of the Universe". He-Man, the hero of the cartoon, would hold his sword up into the air, shout that line, and the power would run down into the sword straight from the heavens.

I see a similar thing happening online a lot. In SecondLife, the online virtual world I am a part of, there are many self proclaimed rulers. They buy or rent a piece of land, build something on it, declare themselves king, queen or whatever title they assume, and other people will use the facilities thus created and treat the person in charge as if they were indeed a king, queen or the like. And there is nothing wrong with that. Roleplaying can be a great pastime, as long as all involved realize that is what it is: assuming, and playing a *role*.

The trouble begins when self proclaimed rulers aren't really fit to rule. Chances of this happening are large. The fact alone that somebody feels the need to be an online king, says a lot about this person. Well balanced, strong, capable leaders usually have already achieved a leading role in their offline life. They don't need another leading role in an online world, in fact they are glad to just relax online. They also usually don't have the time to be online as often as is required to run a virtual kingdom, fantasy world or city.

More often than not, drama will sooner or later hit the fan in online kingdoms and the like. Occasionally when that happens the people in charge turn out to be good leaders and solve the problems, everybody learns their lesson, and virtual life goes on as usual.
But that is the exception, not the rule. The rule is the insecure, way too emotionally involved self proclaimed rulers will see whatever happens as a personal attack and lash out in anger or sadness. Phase two consists of part of their followers leaving, and another part trying to patch things up. And after that the fate of the online kingdom depends on how fast the ruler is able to bring back balance, primarily within themselves.

Good, well managed online kingdoms will survive most storms. People will come and go, but as long as the concept is solid, the course is clear and the ruler rules without acting like a drama queen (pun intended), there will always be a core group of people who enjoy spending their online time there. But it does take a strong back to carry an online world. If you can't take the heat.. stay out of the Royal kitchen.

What have we done?

"What have we done to this earth?" is how the lyrics of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" start. I just watched this video on Youtube and it brought tears to my eyes, as well as made me physically sick. I know, nothing new there, and we've been basically destroying the planet and everything good and pure on it from the moment we've been around, still.. ouch.

Just watch that, and tell me you managed to do so without feeling anything. I for one couldn't keep my eyes dry, and apart from invoking tremendous sadness it angers me to no end that we are letting all this happen.

Live Earth on July 7 will be another attempt at raising global awareness, just like Live Aid was, and this time it's about global warming and what we all can do to fight it. See the website for more info. I just hope we will eventually all wake up and stop being the most destructive species this planet has ever known. One can hope, right?

On gourmet sluttism

It has never been a big secret that I do not believe in monogamy. My marriage is open, and since I don't do monogamy in my offline life, I see no reason whatsoever for being any different online. And so, even though I have a partner I love to bits and back together again, in both versions of my life.. I am free to have sex with whoever I want to have sex with. And I will, when and if I want to.

Because of this, I have been called a slut on many occasions. Does this bother me? Well, somewhat. The term has a ring of negativity to it. A slut is dirty, cheap, easy in most peoples books. The type that will sleep with anyone. Stupid, and therefore indulging in the only thing he/she is good at: spreading them for whoever is interested. And that... is so not me.

First of all, I am far from stupid. A person needs to trigger something in me, by being creative, witty, a great person to be around both inside and outside the bedroom. I need to be able to connect with them on different levels and then sex becomes a natural part of the relationship. I can have sex without that connection and occasionally I will do it, just for the heck of it or because I sense the other person needs it badly, but it's not really interesting nor fulfilling to me. And so, I am also far from easy. The fact I can sleep with anyone I want to sleep with, doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone. Far from it, in fact. I'm quite demanding in what I want to receive in return for what I give, and I honestly think I have a right to, because I have an awful lot to give.

This is why I may often come across as a flirt and a tease and fact is.. I love teasing. But I'm not just doing it because I like it.. I'm also feeling the other person out, trying to discover what they're really after. If it's a quick fix, getting their rocks off not really minding at all who is at the other end of it.. I loose interest instantly. Go surf the mostly flesh colored parts of the net for dirty pictures, download some porn, read a naughty story or whatever, but stop bothering me.

I prefer the occasional exquisite lovemaking over wasting time and energy on having lots and lots of non creative, boring, and therefore totally unfulfilling encounters. Like it or not, I am a gourmet slut.

More mushy poetry

Senses

I am free
when bound by your ties
and I want you to know

Beautiful
when molded to your liking
and I want you to see

Powerful
when crouching naked
and I want you to feel

The answer
to your fantasies
and I want you to go there

I can lift you up
by kneeling before you

I want you to fly with me
so I can show you
how magnificent the view is
from the top

WIITWD

Belief system or: WIITWD (What it is that we do)

Having read so many thought provoking posts in multiple blogs here, I feel the need to share some of my thoughts. It may tell you a little bit about how we (where we stands for my partner and me as well as several of our closer friends) think and interact. Fair warning: my ideas have often been perceived as radical so if you are amongst the people who prefer to see love and relationships as beautiful, almost Disney style Beauty & the Beast love stories and get very upset when people say it is otherwise.. please, do not read any further. Also please note that I don't really distinguish between the relationship with my partner and the relationships with others. I love all of them, just on different levels and for different reasons.

The path we have chosen in our dynamics has been greatly influenced by the way we see life and our tasks in it in general, our belief system. We call this the Ordeal Path and no, this is not a religion of any sort, but rather a way of interacting with the people around us, life, and the Universe. It is based on values such as honor, dignity, honesty, being fluid in our perceptions and ways of being, openness, compassion.

An important part of my way of thinking is that there basically are two cycles going on in our lives. One goes from pain to relaxation to pain to.. etc. The other one goes from growth to standing still to growth etc. Now those cycles are parallel. The moments of pain are the moments of growth, and the moments of relaxation are the moments where we stand still in our development, look back and evaluate, and let the lessons that are behind us sink in. Both are neccessary and needed, both are inevitable and thus to be accepted.

Another thing that is vital in understanding the way we think is the fact that we strongly believe we are in each other's life for a reason. Not "just" love, or being friends, or similar interests. We are together because we can offer each other just what it is he/she needs at that particular time. Two halves of a whole, yin and yang, a symbioses that was meant to be. Accepting this means that whatever it is that comes on my path, I will accept it and sooner or later I will discover the lesson that was hidden in there.

Having said that, I also believe that life is a solo quest. This may seem contradictory to the yin/yang statement I made earlier, but it really isn't. The symbiosis is a constantly changing dynamic, not a static situation. We interact with people in the way that is best at any given time and under the circumstances but as the dynamic changes, so do we and thus the energy between us. Other people may accompany us on the path for shorter or longer periods of time but in the end, we and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

For that very reason I do not trust my loved ones. I love and accept them as they are instead. They are human beings after all and to trust them is to place faith in a mythical outcome and hold them responsible for that outcome. They are not responsible for it or for me. If they chose to do things I do not want to be a part of, or if their deeds cause me to not want them in my life anymore, then that is my decision to take. I will not be angry nor sad, I will simply move on.

Many people have tried to convince me of their truth and told me what they thought was appropriate behavior. I have taken what I thought was good and discarded the rest. I do not believe that "the" truth exists. There is only perception. My dreams are as real to me as my everyday life, the dragons and demons I have met are as true as the neighbors and the butcher. My beliefs and actions, the way I choose to live my life and the things I do because of that are as good as anyones and no one has the right to label them as "wrong", "dangerous" or whatever *to me*. They may very well be wrong or dangerous to others, but they are mine.

There is a lot more I could say about all this but for now I think this is enough. All I can add is that living this way has proven to be right for us so far and has pulled us through difficult situations that would have been devastating or even killing to others. It is not an easy path. But as dark, windy and dangerous as it is at times... it also leads along the highest mountain tops and has provided us with insights and beliefs we would never want to live without.

Feel free to comment on anything I have written here. Your thoughts are highly appreciated.

Cuddle pile

As soon as I open the front door the kids run past me and inside the house, leaving me on the doorstep holding my bike which has two heavy shopping bags hanging from the steer. I growl and manage to lift the bags off the bike, carry them inside, then park my bike in the hallway.

Once I have closed the door behind me I take a bag in each hand and make my way into the kitchen. I can hear the kids in the living room upstairs, laughing and screaming and running around on the wooden floor, making so much noise it hurts my ears. I'm tired, I'm hot, my bad knee hurts from the long walk home, I'm hungry, need to put the groceries away and make lunch. Taking another few steps into the kitchen I almost trip over the kids' schoolbags, left in the middle of the floor. I kick them aside and am about to yell something very unfriendly upstairs as something red and furry slides along my shins, forcing me to instantly come to a full stop, waving my arms with the shopping bags to prevent myself from falling over.

"Rascal!" I yell at the cat and he looks up at me, giving me one of those "whot??" looks. Ignoring my obvious anger he keeps rubbing against my legs, purring loudly. It's impossible to stay mad at a cat if they act like that. Soon, Jake and Elwood join in. We named the striped tabby twins after the Blues Brothers and often tell each other they share 3 brain cells between them. Two pairs of yellow eyes gaze up at me, giving me adoring looks not cluttered by any sort of intelligence. A purring choir now surrounds my ankles and I surrender, putting the bags on the floor then carefully making my way to the big old sofa in the kitchen.

They jump me the instant I sit down, one in my lap, the other two next to me on the sofa, all three of them purring loudly, rubbing their faces against me, tails up in the air. A fourth cat joins in and soon we become one big cuddle pile on the sofa, petting and rubbing and purring. The bags with the groceries forgotten on the kitchen floor.

After a few minutes my son comes walking down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and finding me there, on my back on the sofa with a big grin on my face and four cats on top of me. "Ehm mom.. are you okay?" he asks. I laugh and nod and assure him I'm just fine.

Cuddle piles are the greatest. And if you have no cats: it works miracles with humans, too.

Poly People

Often, when I mention the fact I am polyamorous, people respond by saying things like "oh cool, so you guys sleep with other people too?" and similar statements. For some reason people primarily think it's a sex thing. Well, I like sex, a lot even.. but that really isn't what being poly is all about.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good definition: "Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."

So yes, we can sleep with other people without having to worry about our partner getting jealous or upset. But what's far more important is that we are fully capable of loving, truly loving, multiple people at the same time.

It takes a special type of person to be able to be in this type of relationship. One needs to be rather self secured and not become jealous, feel abandoned or "not good enough" to be able to deal with a partner who is falling in love with someone else. One also has to be independent from ones partner and not see them as the center of ones universe. Enjoying without claiming nor holding them responsible for our happiness.

Getting there is a struggle which may take quite some time. Society tells us monogamy is the norm, and anyone desiring other partners is a lustful sinner who should burn in hell, or various other places depending on the specific religion. As always, truth and normalcy are in the eye of the beholder, and I strongly believe that ultimately we can only be our own judge. We should do what is right *for us* and what makes *us* happy (as long as we don't harm other people or break any laws). I personally learned a lot from reading Heinlein and from talking and talking and then some with my husband and various other people who had been poly much longer than me. And then of course from actually living this way.

Yes, it takes a lot of work on yourself and there will be tears along the way. Getting rid of layers of society induced bullshit as we call it can't be done without at times feeling pain. But if you can do it, and are capable of sharing in the joy rather than going insecure and sad, it is also one of the most magnificent feelings and deepest realizations of being connected to a person. When I'm having problems with a lover, my husband is the first one I'll talk to, and he'll listen and give his ideas, comfort, and he will be as happy as I am when things get worked out between me and the other guy. And when he tells me about someone he's starting to really fall for, and I see the twinkle in his eyes and that wide grin I love so much.. all I feel is a warm, deep love for this man, happiness, and peace of mind.

Oh, and the sex is great, too ;)

On Dragons

I have this big thing for dragons. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by them. Dragons were amongst the first things I was making drawings of, and as soon as I started developing (or rather: refinding) my spiritual side they were amongst my favorite companions as I started to learn how to shift dimensions while dreaming and traveling. I have a big dragon tattooed on my upper back. (see image, yep, that's my back) .

In SecondLife, I am a part time dragon. A huge white one to be precise, because that's what my dragon looks like. I love playing the dragon. Partly because it's a great character to roleplay (my dragon is a tad arrogant when speaking with them silly humans, loves to watch them struggle as she confronts them with their weaknesses, plus at times I simply like to be something else than a pretty redhead. Visiting friends who ask me over and appearing as the dragon while they expect the redhead is.. well, fun, to say the least :))

I found an online test about inner dragons and it confirmed what I already knew: white. Here's what it stands for:

If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, your Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism). Though you might find that neat in passing, it's not really what a White is all about. You like to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. Your favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, reaching for spirituality, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear you when they stray into your domain without proper payment for passage. Of course, that payment would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through your turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever threatens you, your Inner Dragon would likely tell you to hit and run, or just plain run. If they really wanted a fight you'd be an impressive opponent, considering you pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage.

Hmmz, any dark evil black dragons out there up to the challenge? ;)

Watch me fade

Sometimes, when feeling extremely good or extremely bad, I write songs to express myself. Here's one of my songtexts, hope you like.


Watch me fade

Please allow me to explain
how the fact I don't raise hell nor put up fights
doesn't mean you have me indefinitely
You may take me for granted
but watch me

Watch me as I slowly dissolve
all that binds me to you
I have cried too many nights
Waited in vain too often
and I will stop the hurting
just watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Better know I will refrain
from kicking and screaming.. I don't sink that low
the fact I won't fight doesn't make me weak
I just pick my battles
you watch me

Watch me as the distance grows
can you still see me?
Well maybe it is not too late
Maybe you will learn
to finally appreciate
and watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Watch me fade
This one too will make me stronger
Now that I'm done
I'm gone

Second Crack

I play SecondLife and have been doing that for a while now. I like it, when it's working. Recently though, it's been down, bugged, slow, laggy and whatever a lot. It has greatly diminished my enjoying this virtual world, on the other hand I'm way too addicted to it to quit.

And so I sit, grind my teeth as my client crashes once more, my objects won't appear in game, teleporting anywhere fails and and and.. you get the point. Luckily, there is the blog, the one place where Linden Labs (the guys responsible for keeping the whole thing running, using paperclips and rubber bands if you ask me) somewhat communicate with their user base. Today it told us:

[UPDATE 11:51 PM] It turns out fixing search is going to take more than initially thought, it will probably be down for most of the night. We apologize for the inconvenience and will have a team of crack Operations people patching it up in the morning.

Oh wow. Crack operations people. Not just operations people but.... crack operations people. I wonder if that is what they're on and what makes them ignore our questions, requests for help, and general feeling of being unhappy with the game. But that's not the point. I sat and wondered about who these people were for a while, then Don came online. And he had the answer. This crack team has been filmed.

So, here they are, Linden Labs one and only.. Crack Operations Team.

Status Drama

Lately, I've stumbled upon a strange phenomenon I just can't seem to get my head around. What is it that makes people decide their Yahoo/MSN/Gtalk/whatever messenger service status indicator is THE place to show the world how bad they feel?

I mean.. I use status indicators, like "Fetching kids & groceries, brb" or "not at my desk" or "cleaning house, please disturb". I do that so my friends know what I'm up to and to give a rough indication of when I'll be back. But why on earth would anyone feel like having "Hurting, please leave me alone" as their status? Or "Pissed, go away" or "Friendship is an illusion" combined with a busy icon. I don't get it.

If you feel that bad, why log onto a Messenger service at all? And if you do, why mention your state of mind in your status almost screaming your pain at the world, but at the same time saying you want to be left alone?

What's really at work here is reversed psychology if you ask me. What those messages really say is: "I do want you to message me, very carefully, ask me how I am and I will at first act a bit reserved, then whine for an hour, then tell you I really don't want to speak with anyone. And you'll feel double lousy, once because you did message me even though I told you not to, and again because my life is so terrible right now". Drama queenism, to the max. And I for one am not gonna fall for it.

Feel lousy, wanna talk? Then talk. I can deal just fine with a "Feeling like shit here, I so need a hug" message. You'll get that hug, instantly. But the drama queens resorting to status indicator guerilla tactics I will fully and bluntly ignore. Unless they do it too often, then I will remove them from my list.

Yet another personality test

I have this thing for personality tests. I love taking them, just to see if the outcome is something I recognize myself in. This time, I took the one at similarminds.com. Here are the results, just for shits & giggles.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 43% Stability |||||||||||||| 60% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking || 10% Need to dominate || 10% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||| 23% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||| 16% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||| 36% Vanity |||||||||||||| 56% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Indie |||||||||||||||| 61%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Bladders of Gor

A short piece I wrote as a parody on the Gor Novels by John Norman, from which countless people use quotes in their profiles, on websites etc. I actually think he's a lousy writer, and the way his followers have made what was meant to be a series of science fiction novels into a cult is scary to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for D/s and even consentual slavery, but please, don't take yourself too seriously. Anyway.. enjoy ;)



He looked her over, a knowing smile on his face. She wiggled a bit, moving her weight from one leg onto the other, looking up into His eyes for a moment, hers almost begging.... then lowering them once more. Her hand slowly slid along her belly, lower, until it reached the inside of her thigh and then that familiar spot. She rubbed without even realizing she was doing it, her movements faster now, squirming almost as if she were dancing, her rosy skin moist. He smiled big. "well now, is it the fire in your belly causing you to want nothing more, than to please me, girl?" She bit her lower lip, silence, then a soft whisper. "No Master but.. a girl would so love to know where Your bathroom is".

Bladders of Gor, page 257

Favourite Quotes

Here's a bunch of my favourite quotes. I like them for various reasons and collected them over time. They tell you a lot about my outlook on life. So here goes, another shred of my soul... as written by others far more eloquent than myself.


"Impossible is a word humans use too often."
--- Seven of Nine in StarTrek Voyager

"Nils Illigitimus Carborundurum" (never let the bastards grind you down)
Aussie Latin proverb

"To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."
--- Sun Tzu in "The art of War"

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, His pleasure, His Desires, His life, His work, His sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I dont mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh God, as a woman i want to be Dominated. I dont mind being told to stand on my own two feet, not to cling to all that i am capable of doing but I am pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at His time, His Bidding......"
--- Anais Nin

"Being powerful is like being a lady, if you have to say that you are then you're probably not"
--- M. Thatcher.

"Dream as if you'll live forever... live as if you'll die today."
--- James Dean

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--- Rules for living - The Dalai Lama

"Those who practice and promote Political Correctness are doing a service to society,
as I need to know who to shoot when we take over."
--- Borgia

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
--- William James

"Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
Anonymous Dragon

"Truth gains more even by the errors of one who, with due study and preparation, thinks for himself, than by the true opinions of those who only hold them because they do not suffer themselves to think."
--- John Stuart Mills, On Liberty

"Let me test my mettle against your ambition... let me be the wall you drive into, I will be the one who will weather the storm, not because I love you, but because I can, and for that you will love me.
I am no hero and I am certainly not a martyr... I crave the challenge, it validates my own identity as a power house."
--- Anonymous

"He who is not busy being born is busy dying"
--- Bob Dylan

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
--- Marcus Aurelius

"Wisdom without kindness and knowledge without sobriety are useless."
--- The Fire from within, Carlos Castaneda

"Tunnel vision should never be confused with having a view."
--- Anonymous

"The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule."
--- H.L. Mencken

"I will always be honest with you...and you will either love me or hate me. But at least if you hate me, it will be for who I truly am, not for who I pretend to be."
--- Anonymous

"The most severe disability a person could possibly have can not be seen
on the physical body or heard by the physical ear... But it comes from within...
The most severe disability a person could possibly have is a
negative attitude, because you are saying, it's not possible, it's not true,
but worst of all, you're saying, you can't."
--- Anonymous

"There are two kinds of strengths:
the strength to lead,
and the strength to follow;
the strength to control,
and the strength to yield.
There are two kinds of power:
the power to strip another's soul bare,
and the power to stand naked."
--- Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
--- Theodore Roosevelt

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
--- Confucius

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
--- Bill Cosby

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
--- John Lennon

"People will always talk about you, especially when they envy you and the life you live. Let them... you affected their lives, they didn't affect yours."
--- Anonymous

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it's a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved."
--- William Jennings Bryan

"I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying."
--- Michael Jordan

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
--- Margaret Mead

"Man does not cease to play because he grows old, he grows old because he ceases to play."
--- Drew Lachey

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former."
--- Albert Einstein

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
--- Anonymous

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--- Dr. Suess

"Excellence can be achieved if you . . . risk more than others think is safe, love more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical, and expect more than others think is possible."
--- Anonymous

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
--- Anonymous

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
--- Oscar Wilde

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
--- Mother Theresa

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
--- Anonymous

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
--- Albert Einstein

"Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened."
--- Winston Churchill

"Worrying is like being in a rocking chair, It gives you something to do but does not get you anywhere."
--- Anonymous

"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away."
--- Tom Clancy

"Enter every activity without giving mental recognition to the possibility of defeat. Concentrate on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses . . . on your powers, instead of your problems."
--- Paul J. Meyers

"Failure is not fatal. Only failure to get back up is."
--- John C. Maxwell

"By the time you are old enough to know that your parents were right, you have children of your own that think you are wrong."
--- Anonymous

"Most relationships are not made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put them together yourselves."
--- Anonymous

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear not absence of fear."
--- Mark Twain

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
--- Erin Majors

The Invitation

I found this somewhere on the Internet and it left me speechless. So, thought I'd share it here as well. To me, this is the essence of connecting with people.

The Invitation - by Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Ravin' Mad

Many if not most of the friends I have made over time, online as well as in real life, are amongst the people that would be considered crazy, mad, mentally ill and various other wordings by society as a whole. They have either been diagnosed with mental illnesses according to the DSM IV bible, or people consider them mad because they think and act differently than most other people. They don't fit the general public's picture of "normal", and as a result of this they have often had, and at times are still having, a difficult life.

The funny thing is that "mad" seems to be something largely depending on the standards of the people surrounding the "mad" person. It is largely defined by cultural and social standards, it depends on where and when the "mad" person lives and who they interact with. There is also a thin line between being considered mad, and being considered a genius and ahead of one's time. Both Newton and Einstein for instance were considered raving lunatics by society during their time. Nowadays we see them a lot different. A shaman, interacting with spirits, healing the sick both physically and mentally is seen as a holy man by his tribe.. but if I told my doctor I do the very same thing I may very well end up in a mental hospital where they will do their very best to convince me there is no such thing as talking with the spirits, diagnose me with schizophrenia and stuff me with pills that make those weird ideas go away. Truth, as always, is in the eye of the beholder.

So why am I writing all this? because I wanted to tell you I am extremely grateful for all the "mad" people I have the honor of calling my friends. I salute them, for having the guts to be different. I watch them fight their demons, from a distance or sometimes from very close by because I am a part of that struggle and fight by their side. I stand in awe listening to their out of the box ideas, their perceptions that at times have helped me a tremendous lot with mine. I admire their courage as I watch them deal with things that are impossible to deal with as they go through deep depressions, manic periods, terrible nightmares. I am as over the moon as they are when they tell me about sightings, new connections, battles they have won and the light they discovered at the end of the tunnel. And most of all.. I admire their warmth. The warmth that can only be felt from people who are real, true to themselves, facing both the darkness and the light inside them. Ravin' mad people are the best.

Tarzan

I wrote this piece a while back for a Dutch website on female sexuality and thought I would share it here, too. Enjoy!

Tarzan

I have never been into vibrators. Never seen what's so exciting about shoving a buzzing thing inside my most tender bits. Don't get me wrong, I like sex a lot and can keep on going for hours in a row. Masturbation can also be extremely good but I prefer the old fashioned way.. I have two hands and I know how to use them. No vibrating plastic for me, thank you very much.

Until a friend came to visit. Her hair a mess, stars in her eyes. And an hour late. "It's because of Tarzan" she said. At first I thought she had a new boyfriend, but it soon turned out the jungleman she was speaking of was a vibrating substitute. Although, substitute... Much, much better according to her. Cumming like a train over and over again. I saw that familiar glow in my Love's eyes and could see the mental image in his mind: me, using a thing like that, having orgasm after orgasm. A show he was clearly looking forward to.

And so I wasn't really surprised when the next day he came home carrying one of them unsuspicious suspicious looking bags from the sex shop and another bag filled with so many batteries they could provide sound and movement to my kids' toys for the next couple of months. But it was clear that was not what they were for. From the sexshop bag emerged my new lover. "Black Tarzan" it said on the box, and once freed from the box he turned out to have brought some friends. Tarzan himself was in the middle, looking like a cross eyed alien with an anatomically utterly incorrect head. Behind him, some sort of worm was sticking out of the block the whole thing was attached to. And in front of him, facing him, was a retarded monkey with a very, very long pointy tongue. I provided Tarzan and his petshop with the necessary batteries and then started test round one while my Love was supervising the whole thing.

Tarzan was a bit of a sticky character made out of very soft rubber. One slider on the block was for controlling Tarzan himself, who as soon as the whole thing was switched on started rotating his hips like a Hawaii dancer. The other slider controlled the monkey, and as soon as that one was switched on it broke into a heavy attack of Parkinsons and started trembling all over. The worm was somewhat vibrating along with all that. Anal stimulation for women still is an area largely unexplored.

I pushed Tarzan's alien head where it belonged. This automatically placed the monkey's tongue in the correct position: right on top of my clit. The worm was doing something vague around the back but hey, one look at him was enough to know he was never going to achieve anything substantial anyhow.

Now this was something. Gently, very gently I moved both sliders up towards a medium position. The whole thing came alive. Tarzan danced his dance and made an awful lot of noise, the monkey was doing it's best but all in all it wasn't brilliant. Allrighty, on to plan B. Both sliders, to the max. I was going to tame jungleman and have my way with him, him and his illegal pets. I was going to make him sweat and work for it.

Full speed now. Tarzan himself moaned, turned and buzzed even louder and the whole block started moving. The monkey was now digging into my tender flesh like mad, its razorsharp tongue creating a sensation much like my dentists polishing machine. It took me less than a minute to reach an orgasm that wasn't all that good and primarily painful. And I had to shut off the vibrator right after that because once the rush was gone all it caused me was incredible pain.

Come on girl, stay with it. I must be doing something wrong here. Start slowly, increasing speed slowly. After all, cars have to be broken in too, so the same probably goes for this thing. Yawn. My jungle lover had never even heard of decent foreplay. This was soporific. But as soon as speed was set to one notch higher he made the same mistake he made earlier. Full speed to the finish, painfully good but most of all painful, burning, itchy!

Burning? Itchy? Removed the whole thing and thoroughly examined the place it had been in. Bright red all over. Rinsing it with lots of water helped some, but not much and the burning and itching continued. It lasted for days. Allergic to the sticky type of rubber the whole thing was coated with. And so, apart from being a lousy lover, Tarzan turned out to have given me an ETD. Dickhead.

Weeks later he was given another chance. A condom over his head. Which didn't help, because his pets are made of the same material and once more the experiment caused me lots of misery. And I wasn't all that enthusiastic about the illustrious three to begin with.

I broke up with him. I was all out of love. My significant other, who at first had watched the whole thing grinning but didn't like the results any more than I did, totally agreed. Maybe I am spoiled rotten sexually, unable to enjoy the joys of jungle love any longer. I really don't know. But the conclusion is crystal clear: You Tarzan.. me definitely not Jane.

A song in my heart

I love music. I always have. In my moments of sadness, it is music that brings a smile back on my face. In my moments of utter joy, it is music that makes me dance and express what I feel. When I worry, have a problem I can't seem to solve, feel something I cannot quite put to words.. there's always music, a song on the radio making me see where to go or what to do, somebody whistling a tune that suddenly makes me realize what's going on or find the solution I was looking for.

I also communicate an awful lot through music. When my kids feel down I will play them happy songs. When I want to tell a friend or a beloved one something but find no words to do so, music will often provide what I need to get the message through. For quite some time I was an Internet DJ, providing music for a dance club in an online game I play. People there often told me what I played was just what they needed at that moment. I guess that is the empath in me at work, sensing the mood and coloring it with music, enhancing it, or balancing it.

So why is it so friggin' hard to express what I feel right now? Why am I sitting here, browsing through the thousands of MP3's on my harddisk, unable to find a single one that says it all? Playing bits of many songs, only to find myself hitting the stop button over and over again. Noooh, that's not it, noooh, not even remotely close, no, no, NO!

Why? Because this time it's different. This time, there is a connection deeper than anything I have experienced before. Not a crush, not a feeling of falling in love head over heels instantly. This is wanton lust mixing with profound friendship, a cuddle and a primal roar, waves crashing and motionless understanding, one blending into the other and all equally good. Warm and deep and scary as hell because it goes straight to my core, through all the shields surrounding it as if they weren't even there. I try to fight it, deny it, wondering where he got the keys only to find that since I am the only one who has them it must be me who gave them to him, somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, without even realizing it.

Wondering, pondering.. then realizing it really is not all that important why. And that no matter how hard I try to fight it or reason it away, he is under my skin. Belonging there somehow. Making me whole by being an equal, giving me as much as I give him. Awakening what has been asleep for a long time. Bringing me to life.

And suddenly I find the song I want to hear. It's by Evanescence, one of my favourite bands. I have heard it numerous times before but this time the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. That's my soul crying out and the call being answered.

Hmmz, smiling again. Thank gawd for music.

Things we would at times like to say, but won't.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. That isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
41. Do you teach Ebonics or just practice it?
42. I like that outfit. My Redneck Barbie has one just like it.
43. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery.
44. Somebody shoot (him/her) and put me out of my misery.

Many rivers to cross

While sitting here, listening to Joe Cocker singing his fantastic version of "Many rivers to cross" I cannot help but wonder what is happening to this world.

So much violence, war, hatred and destruction is going on. In their hunger for power governments all over the world are taking decisions that only lead to more violence, more hatred and thus more war and destruction. People are starving while others have more money than they will ever be able to use for themselves. We are killing each other, killing this planet and it seems as if we all think this is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. We have become numb, living our own life as well as possible, and trying to ignore what is happening to the rest of the world.

We, all of us, have been poisoned. Nobody knows when and how exactly and the poison is non tracable and very slowly working. But it is in our veins and it is killing us. And meanwhile it is making us insensitive to all the badness that is going on. Oh yeah, another murder, another town blown to bits, another country dying of a killing disease. Yeah, it's terrible, what's for dinner?

There is an antidote. It is very easily obtainable, in fact we all already have it in us and all we need to do is activate it and it will start breaking down the poison. Its name is hope. Hope for a future, hope for humanity to finally come to its senses, hope for the planet to be saved before its destruction has reached the point of no return. Hope has the power to make things work, and to make people work together towards solutions and a future.

Unfortunately, many of us have already lost hope. You can see it in their eyes, notice it in the way they continue living without a meaning. The poison has numbed them, and they are asleep. Asleep... but not dead yet. And they can be woken.

All it takes, is for someone to give them a real good shake. Someone who has hope, and is able to light a spark of hope in another person. Just like the poison is spreading like a disease, so can hope do the same thing. Many of us may have lost hope, but that does not mean humanity as a whole has no hope left.

Look around you. See the people that keep on fighting, keep on inspiring others, helping others, teaching and guiding and showing the way. They are everywhere. From the friend that lends an ear or a shoulder to the spiritual leaders of this world. From the teenagers that somehow kept their faith in truth and honor to the people that left their home and their country to go and help other people under often impossible circumstances. Charity organizations, rescue workers, social workers with a heart. Fundraisers, musicians and other artists bringing the message through their work.

This world is full of hope! We just need to see it. And once we do, we have a responsibility to spread it. Fight for it, make people aware, light that spark that can be lit in each and every one of us, hidden under all the numbness. It can be done. And I trust that it will be done. But it is a lot of work. And it will take a lot of time, and effort. Or, as the song goes: Many rivers to cross.