A song in my heart

I love music. I always have. In my moments of sadness, it is music that brings a smile back on my face. In my moments of utter joy, it is music that makes me dance and express what I feel. When I worry, have a problem I can't seem to solve, feel something I cannot quite put to words.. there's always music, a song on the radio making me see where to go or what to do, somebody whistling a tune that suddenly makes me realize what's going on or find the solution I was looking for.

I also communicate an awful lot through music. When my kids feel down I will play them happy songs. When I want to tell a friend or a beloved one something but find no words to do so, music will often provide what I need to get the message through. For quite some time I was an Internet DJ, providing music for a dance club in an online game I play. People there often told me what I played was just what they needed at that moment. I guess that is the empath in me at work, sensing the mood and coloring it with music, enhancing it, or balancing it.

So why is it so friggin' hard to express what I feel right now? Why am I sitting here, browsing through the thousands of MP3's on my harddisk, unable to find a single one that says it all? Playing bits of many songs, only to find myself hitting the stop button over and over again. Noooh, that's not it, noooh, not even remotely close, no, no, NO!

Why? Because this time it's different. This time, there is a connection deeper than anything I have experienced before. Not a crush, not a feeling of falling in love head over heels instantly. This is wanton lust mixing with profound friendship, a cuddle and a primal roar, waves crashing and motionless understanding, one blending into the other and all equally good. Warm and deep and scary as hell because it goes straight to my core, through all the shields surrounding it as if they weren't even there. I try to fight it, deny it, wondering where he got the keys only to find that since I am the only one who has them it must be me who gave them to him, somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, without even realizing it.

Wondering, pondering.. then realizing it really is not all that important why. And that no matter how hard I try to fight it or reason it away, he is under my skin. Belonging there somehow. Making me whole by being an equal, giving me as much as I give him. Awakening what has been asleep for a long time. Bringing me to life.

And suddenly I find the song I want to hear. It's by Evanescence, one of my favourite bands. I have heard it numerous times before but this time the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. That's my soul crying out and the call being answered.

Hmmz, smiling again. Thank gawd for music.