Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Poly People

Often, when I mention the fact I am polyamorous, people respond by saying things like "oh cool, so you guys sleep with other people too?" and similar statements. For some reason people primarily think it's a sex thing. Well, I like sex, a lot even.. but that really isn't what being poly is all about.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good definition: "Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."

So yes, we can sleep with other people without having to worry about our partner getting jealous or upset. But what's far more important is that we are fully capable of loving, truly loving, multiple people at the same time.

It takes a special type of person to be able to be in this type of relationship. One needs to be rather self secured and not become jealous, feel abandoned or "not good enough" to be able to deal with a partner who is falling in love with someone else. One also has to be independent from ones partner and not see them as the center of ones universe. Enjoying without claiming nor holding them responsible for our happiness.

Getting there is a struggle which may take quite some time. Society tells us monogamy is the norm, and anyone desiring other partners is a lustful sinner who should burn in hell, or various other places depending on the specific religion. As always, truth and normalcy are in the eye of the beholder, and I strongly believe that ultimately we can only be our own judge. We should do what is right *for us* and what makes *us* happy (as long as we don't harm other people or break any laws). I personally learned a lot from reading Heinlein and from talking and talking and then some with my husband and various other people who had been poly much longer than me. And then of course from actually living this way.

Yes, it takes a lot of work on yourself and there will be tears along the way. Getting rid of layers of society induced bullshit as we call it can't be done without at times feeling pain. But if you can do it, and are capable of sharing in the joy rather than going insecure and sad, it is also one of the most magnificent feelings and deepest realizations of being connected to a person. When I'm having problems with a lover, my husband is the first one I'll talk to, and he'll listen and give his ideas, comfort, and he will be as happy as I am when things get worked out between me and the other guy. And when he tells me about someone he's starting to really fall for, and I see the twinkle in his eyes and that wide grin I love so much.. all I feel is a warm, deep love for this man, happiness, and peace of mind.

Oh, and the sex is great, too ;)

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

A well written look into polyamory. I envy you. It must be wonderful to have that deep trust between you are your husband. My wife doesn't trust me with 20 bucks in cash in my wallet!

Sunil Goswami said...

Ah, it is wonderful to read your posts because they provide a big window into your life and character.

And I find your personality fascinating.

Oh btw, I was thrilled (I use the word literally) to see a quote from Heinlein as your flagline. Don't sue me if I use the idea on my blog. Not the same quote of course.

I am a huge fan of Heinlein and i have been reading his books almost exclusively in the last one year that I have been in England. I took a deliberate break in August, but now I am going to start again.

Polyamory and Homosexuality are two things in Heinlein's books that I have not yet been able to digest.
To be honest, I am not mature enough and self-secure enough to be able to engage in such a relationship. In theory I do believe that we possess the capability to love more than one person, even at the same time. While I would be happy to be polyamorous myself (what man wouldn't), I can't imagine that I would allow my partner to do the same. I would be jealous. I am too possessive. Well, maybe I'd change in the next 100 years.
Heinlein does do a great job of it though. In my favorite Heinlein book "Moon is a Harsh Mistress" he has shown the hero to be in a clan-marriage which is polyamorous by nature. He has portrayed that family life in a wonderful way, with which even I can identify, possessive and all.

Sorry if I have been rambling on too much on your blog but you have picked a topic that I like to talk about. (Most topics fall in that category). :)

Cheers.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing this.