Tarzan

I wrote this piece a while back for a Dutch website on female sexuality and thought I would share it here, too. Enjoy!

Tarzan

I have never been into vibrators. Never seen what's so exciting about shoving a buzzing thing inside my most tender bits. Don't get me wrong, I like sex a lot and can keep on going for hours in a row. Masturbation can also be extremely good but I prefer the old fashioned way.. I have two hands and I know how to use them. No vibrating plastic for me, thank you very much.

Until a friend came to visit. Her hair a mess, stars in her eyes. And an hour late. "It's because of Tarzan" she said. At first I thought she had a new boyfriend, but it soon turned out the jungleman she was speaking of was a vibrating substitute. Although, substitute... Much, much better according to her. Cumming like a train over and over again. I saw that familiar glow in my Love's eyes and could see the mental image in his mind: me, using a thing like that, having orgasm after orgasm. A show he was clearly looking forward to.

And so I wasn't really surprised when the next day he came home carrying one of them unsuspicious suspicious looking bags from the sex shop and another bag filled with so many batteries they could provide sound and movement to my kids' toys for the next couple of months. But it was clear that was not what they were for. From the sexshop bag emerged my new lover. "Black Tarzan" it said on the box, and once freed from the box he turned out to have brought some friends. Tarzan himself was in the middle, looking like a cross eyed alien with an anatomically utterly incorrect head. Behind him, some sort of worm was sticking out of the block the whole thing was attached to. And in front of him, facing him, was a retarded monkey with a very, very long pointy tongue. I provided Tarzan and his petshop with the necessary batteries and then started test round one while my Love was supervising the whole thing.

Tarzan was a bit of a sticky character made out of very soft rubber. One slider on the block was for controlling Tarzan himself, who as soon as the whole thing was switched on started rotating his hips like a Hawaii dancer. The other slider controlled the monkey, and as soon as that one was switched on it broke into a heavy attack of Parkinsons and started trembling all over. The worm was somewhat vibrating along with all that. Anal stimulation for women still is an area largely unexplored.

I pushed Tarzan's alien head where it belonged. This automatically placed the monkey's tongue in the correct position: right on top of my clit. The worm was doing something vague around the back but hey, one look at him was enough to know he was never going to achieve anything substantial anyhow.

Now this was something. Gently, very gently I moved both sliders up towards a medium position. The whole thing came alive. Tarzan danced his dance and made an awful lot of noise, the monkey was doing it's best but all in all it wasn't brilliant. Allrighty, on to plan B. Both sliders, to the max. I was going to tame jungleman and have my way with him, him and his illegal pets. I was going to make him sweat and work for it.

Full speed now. Tarzan himself moaned, turned and buzzed even louder and the whole block started moving. The monkey was now digging into my tender flesh like mad, its razorsharp tongue creating a sensation much like my dentists polishing machine. It took me less than a minute to reach an orgasm that wasn't all that good and primarily painful. And I had to shut off the vibrator right after that because once the rush was gone all it caused me was incredible pain.

Come on girl, stay with it. I must be doing something wrong here. Start slowly, increasing speed slowly. After all, cars have to be broken in too, so the same probably goes for this thing. Yawn. My jungle lover had never even heard of decent foreplay. This was soporific. But as soon as speed was set to one notch higher he made the same mistake he made earlier. Full speed to the finish, painfully good but most of all painful, burning, itchy!

Burning? Itchy? Removed the whole thing and thoroughly examined the place it had been in. Bright red all over. Rinsing it with lots of water helped some, but not much and the burning and itching continued. It lasted for days. Allergic to the sticky type of rubber the whole thing was coated with. And so, apart from being a lousy lover, Tarzan turned out to have given me an ETD. Dickhead.

Weeks later he was given another chance. A condom over his head. Which didn't help, because his pets are made of the same material and once more the experiment caused me lots of misery. And I wasn't all that enthusiastic about the illustrious three to begin with.

I broke up with him. I was all out of love. My significant other, who at first had watched the whole thing grinning but didn't like the results any more than I did, totally agreed. Maybe I am spoiled rotten sexually, unable to enjoy the joys of jungle love any longer. I really don't know. But the conclusion is crystal clear: You Tarzan.. me definitely not Jane.