Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dreaded Wednesday

Yes, it is that day of the week again. The day when Ron doesn't come home but goes to spend the evening with his girlfriend/subbie straight after work. A dear friend named it Dreaded Wednesday, because I used to feel sad and emotional on Wednesdays, especially during the evenings. Even though logically I was 100% okay with the concept, the thought of Ron being with another woman and especially: a submissive woman at times made me wallow in self pity, feel totally rejected, betrayed even. The little girl inside me would stamp her feet and go: not fair! I've been waiting for you for six dang years and now that you're finally back on your feet again, you chose to share that with another woman, just because I couldn't immediately go back to being fully submissive, but what did you expect after so long, huh? *I* want those heights, *I* need to go back to subspace cloud nine. *I* am the one who put my own needs and desires in the freezer for so long and took care of you while you were sick or depressed or stressed.

The truth, however, is an entirely different story. My little girl tends to see things from her little girl perspective and even though what she feels is very real, it is only a small part of the whole story. I did a lot of soul searching, and got help from several friends who gave me their perspective on how they saw me. One of them said: "Kit, you're an incredibly strong, smart, independant woman. You don't need to be dominated, you don't need somebody to run your life for you. You're perfectly capable of doing that yourself. All you need, is to feel loved and cherished, a warm hug at times, and somebody who, out of love, at times either pushes you to do things you don't like and keep postponing, or hits the brakes because you have this tendency to do way too much in way too little time." And I just stood there, and nodded, and I knew he was so right.

And so I found that what I thought I was longing for but couldn't give in to.. was merely a hanging on to memories of that period at the beginning of my relationship with Ron. I was insecure, hurt, just got out of a nasty divorce, alone with two small kids, an emotional mess. But I am not that girl anymore. In fact, comparing that girl to me now makes me realize how much I have changed, and how much I have grown since. Back then, taking a severe whipping was fantastic. I loved it, not because of the pain because I have never liked pain (other than my slight masochism during sex) but I craved the feeling of being alive, of being that strong, being pushed and showing I could actually do it, take it, go there. I needed rules to live by, somebody telling me what to do, because it brought structure in the mess in my mind, and gave me the chance to heal without being distracted by having to run the show.

During the next stage, D/s and BDSM were part of my learning curve. I still needed them, not because my life was a mess without them, but because they offered me ways to improve myself, to grow. They taught me things like discipline, patience, putting my own wants and needs aside, seeing things from a new perspective, value things I had always taken for granted. It helped me deal with, sometimes very primal, fears. It changed my thinking and my outlook on life, detached me from society imposed behaviour and thinking. I started reading an incredible lot. Crowley, Castaneda, Millman, Gurdjieff, Sun Tzu. I studied many different spiritual subjects and learned from every one of them, without adopting any of them as *the* truth. I just took what I found useful and created my own belief system, my own values. I became the warrior I wanted to be, and grew stronger and stronger at an incredible speed.

At that point in time Ron told me he wanted L. to become his girlfriend/sub and, much to my own surprise, I could honestly tell him I was fine with that. The fear of loosing him was gone. I was strong enough to share. Then of course when he actually went to see her on a regular basis, I had my bad moments. I have cried, been very angry with both of them, not understanding any of that the next moment because after all.. I didn't even really want to sub anymore. Until I realized what was really happening. I wasn't sad because she was getting what I wanted. I was mourning the loss of my deeply submissive self. Holding on to the memories of that first episode in our relationship, and craving the deep feelings that came with it. Once I realized this, I started working on completing the mourning process. Talked to Ron about what I felt an awful lot, discussed it with people who know me very well, and all of them told me everything was allright, just a new stage, new challenges, new goals. And more importantly: new balance. And new ways to reach that state of utter bliss.

Today is my first Non Dreaded Wednesday. I am no longer sad or afraid to be alone this evening. I am looking forward to having the house to myself and do exactly as I like. Free as a bird and wow.. my wings are strong. With a big thanx to the people who are the wind beneath my wings.. you know who you are. And to Sue: thank you for the lessons.. I think I just hit 100%.