But I thought...

People who know me, know I am fiercely opposed to any sort of assumptions. Around this house, we often say it to each other.. "don't THINK". Think about it (pun intended here): Almost every lame excuse starts with "but I thought...". Assumptions are the mother of all disasters. Don't believe me? Here are a few examples:

"But I thought there were no icebergs here" - Titanic
"But I never thought it would burn" - Hindenburg
"But I really thought those doors were closed" - Herald of Free Enterprise
"But I thought it was a great invention!" - Icarus

And it's not just major disasters that are caused by assumptions. It's also smaller ones, closer to home, in our life, personal and professional relationships. Why do marriages end in divorce? Because we thought the other person would change, or would not change. Why do we find ourselves looking for another job? Because we assumed it would be different, because we assumed we would get away with things, because we assumed... allsorts of things.

Contrary to popular belief not circumstances, such as work load or difficult personal situations, but ... assumptions are the primary cause of all our stress. We get stressed out because the world is not the way we assumed it to be. And instead of adjusting our image of the world according to what it proves to be in reality, we get angry, or frustrated.

Is it simple to adjust that image? Sometimes yes. In many ways, we can make the best of each moment by fully immersing ourselves in it, and by not paying attention to anything that for the moment is outside of our circle of influence. We all know how to play a videogame. When we do so, we become our character, deal with whatever our character encounters, gaining points or taking damage all based on our decisions and responses in the game, but we **don't think about anything else **. We are fully focused. And it's fun, and relaxing. Unless we make the mistake to assume, even here.. when we die in the game because we assumed we could take on an enemy that proved to be too strong for us, and we can't shrug it off and try again later, we once more create stress for ourselves. But most of us don't do that all that often, after all, it's just a game.

What we don't realize is that, once we start to master the art of seeing real life the exact same way, life becomes one heck of a lot easier. Once we learn how to deal with things when and if they happen, and not to assume they will turn out a certain way, we find the peace and the space to enjoy them fully as they are.

When I first started to learn meditation, I was told it was vital that during meditation, I did not think. "Empty your mind" as my teacher back then put it. And so I found myself sitting there, thinking constantly about that I wasn't allowed to think. Every time I did think (and basically, that was all the time) I hated myself for being such a bad student. Until I finally realized it was never going to work that way. It was Pema Chodron who taught me the real trick. Thoughts will come, even during deep meditation, and all we need to do is acknowledge them for what they are: just thoughts. Like gazing at the sea and watching ships go by.. a simple "hey, a ship" and then on with watching the water without shifting our focus to the ship.

The wonderful thing is that meditation isn't just the practise of sitting. We can be the observer in our own life, all the time. To me, that is what the Buddha mind really is. Observing, but not detached. Feeling all the joy and all the pain of whatever it is, this meat puppet we refer to as "I", walking the face of the earth is going through. Just acknowledging it for what it is without losing focus and balance. And applying the principle of not assuming, for this is the true source of compassion. Once you can stop expecting people to act a certain way towards you and just accept them as they are, a tremendous source of compassion is found. You cannot be hurt by other people's behavior if you choose to accept them as they are and not let it influence you.

Does that mean we have to become doormats and let people walk all over us? Well no. We also have a choice in deciding who we want to be a part of our life. The paradox here is that sometimes, people we don't get along with, are a major source of growth. The saying "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" has proven to be very true for me, many times thorughout my life so far.

In the end, whatever comes our way is there for a reason. And all we have to do is to stop assuming and to just experience life as it comes, here, and now.

I believe.. nothing

The question has been asked so many times. "Just what do you believe in?" It is a question I have asked myself, often enough. And the answer has changed, many times, along the way. It even changes depending on who is asking, and in what context. But ultimately, I think only one answer is 100% accurate. I believe nothing. Because to every belief I have that I always thought was rock solid, there are circumstances which I know will make me change my point of view. Take "killing is wrong", for instance. I do believe that, at the bottom of my core. I am actually a type that will go through great trouble to put a spider I find inside the house outside, rather than just killing it. And yet, if someone threatened to harm my children, or take my life.. or if killing was the merciful thing to do, to end tremendous suffering.. I know I could, and quite likely would, kill. Religion is another example. Do I believe there is a divine being ruling us all? No. Yet, I speak of the Goddess, the One I am sworn to serve, since many a lifetime, and for many a lifetime to come. Ahh.. so here's something I do believe in.. reincarnation, right? No. I can honestly say that when I die, and it turns out there is nothing beyond death, I will not be disappointed in any way. I will still know I did the best I could, during the time I had. Okay. Think. Do I believe in me? Hmm. Not beyond the point where I try to make the best of each moment, making the best choice I can, during that moment. If afterwards that choice turns out to make me less happy, I'll choose differently under similar circumstances, the next time. The Dalai Lama was right; "if you lose.. don't lose the lesson". Ah, waidaminute.. so I do believe in growth, in evolving into a better person? Truly a worthy cause to live for. But the truth is.. I don't really believe in that, either. I see it happen, but I don't take it as a given, and I'll fully accept it if it doesn't happen, for whatever reason. All I really know for sure is that I am. Not even the here and now are rock solid, because what is time anyhow, and place is a relative thing. if my body is sitting here, and I'm thinking about someone far away.. just where am "I"? Who is this "I" person anyhow? Is she my body? My mind? My soul? Am I a callcenter employee? a mother? A freelance consultant? a writer? an artist? a fantasy maybe, or a nightmare, depending on who you ask? The funny thing with this type of soul searching is that, the more you think, the less you know. Which might seem to be a scary thought, but it's not really. I think that, once you give up the concept that things need to be either this or that, and simply accept that today's vision may be tomorrows failure, or triumph, or both at the same time, you find tremendous freedom, and peace. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". But it is in this absolute uncertainty, this fluidity in thinking and expextations, as well as in truly seeing every choice, every challenge, and every waking breath as a chocolate, something to enjoy and savour.. that true happiness is found.

Man with no legs and arms - Inspiring story

Give Earth a Hand

On this Earth day, let's take a moment to remind ourselves of what really matters...

The mom manual

The Mom Manual


As a mother, I know we are often seen as the nagging, annoying type. Moms do an awful lot of whining and it makes it sometimes very hard to live with us. This is why I am offering you this manual. It's not a complete manual, just a bunch of helpful hints, kind of like a quick reference guide. At the very least, it will help you deal with some of our issues in a way that will produce less nagging, making your life a lot easier. And ours :) Enjoy!

- There are two basic steps to the process of operating a door. The first, opening it and stepping through it, you seem to have mastered to perfection. Excellent. There is however a second step: close the door behind you. Work on it, especially if the door leads to an unheated area like the hallway. Not only does it help save energy because the cold won't get into the heated room next to it. It also prevents cold drag which we hate, with a vengeance. Save the planet, start with mom's cold feet.

- Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT enjoy scavenger hunts to retrieve all the cups, glasses, cutlery and porcelain scattered throughout the house. We growl whenever we open our kitchen cabinets only to find half of the things there are missing, we growl even more if those things aren't even in the kitchen at all. If you use it, take it back to the kitchen so it can get washed and used again.

-Taking a clean glass or mug for every drink may be common practise in bars and restaurants, but it's not around the home. It is perfectly aceptable and in fact encouraged that you use the same glass for both soda's you pour yourself. On the other hand using the same mug or glass for days in a row isn't acceptable either. As a general rule of thumb, make sure it gets washed at least once a day.

- We have this wonderful item known as a hamper. It's where the dirty laundry goes. It is in fact the only place dirty laundry should go. Dropping dirty clothes where you took them off, or placing them in a pile over a chair so you can put them in the hamper at some point in the future, is not acceptable. If you want it washed, put it where it should be. If it's not there, don't be surprised if it doesn't get washed and you run out of clean undies.

- If you want pets, don't try and convince us of the fact it really won't cause us any extra work. We are mom, we know it will. Sure, during the first few weeks you will feed it, groom it and walk it if it needs that. After that, you go back to being your lazy self and it's us ending up taking care of it. Don't insult our intelligence and professional expertise by stating it is otherwise.

- Don't ever tell your friends that we do not work as long as we are within hearing distance. It angers us. We may not get paid for what we do, but fact of the matter is we are fulfilling a life long volunteer job here, with no vacation, no bonuses, no sick leave, and no chance at retiring or quitting. Yet we are required to display sufficient to expert skills in a myriad of areas. Cleaning lady, cook, procurement manager, financial wizard, tutor, walking encyclopedia, psychologist are only a few of the many positions we fill in this household.

Keep these things in mind and you may find we are actually quite easy to get along with.

Music and images

Two things I love are singing and photography. if you are brave enough to want to experience the combination.. here's a link to my uploaded videos on Youtube.

Enjoy.. hopefully

On Love and Fear

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about a concept I encountered in multiple places. The theory, that every single decision or action we take boils down to being motivated by one of two possibilities: Love, and Fear. Where obviously everything done out of Love is right, and everything based on Fear, is the wrong choice. And I have started to apply this principle to my life, my responses, and the decisions I take.

The second concept I am integrating into my life is known as the 90/10 principle. The theory here is that 10% of our life experience consists of things we have no influence on. They just happen to us. The other 90% is how we respond to those circumstances, which actually makes a huge difference in how we perceive our own life and our levels of stress, or preferably lack thereof.

Combine them, and what you get is a fairly simple rule of thumb to live by. Accept the 10% I have no influence on. And let my actions and responses be solely motivated by Love, making the rest of my life as joyful and stress free as possible. Simple, huh?

Well not quite. Apparently the Power I serve likes to toss me one curved ball after the next, taking the driller sargeant approach in training me. With our financial resources fully depleted and thousands of Euro's left to pay in last years taxes, as well as wanting to get the divorce procedure started and finalized so both of us can go our own way, finding a job is my #1 priority at the moment. I have applied to every single job offer that I even remotely fitted the criteria for, but being 45, not having worked for 8 years.. the job market isn't exactly welcoming me with open arms. Add to that that I can't work fulltime because my kids still heavily depend on my being home at least most of the time they are here and it gets even tougher. And so I was happy I was accepted for a job, working at a callcenter and solving technical issues for a satellite TV provider. It's a low level job, doesn't pay very well, and it is way below my capacities but hey, it's a job. But they did require me to study a thick syllabus then follow a 2 weeks fulltime training before I could start there. And so over the past week I studied the syllabus really well, learning all I could about Megahertzes, transponders, uplinks and azimuths.

This training started today. And I'm not in it. Because over the weekend, my daughter became very ill. When I saw her yesterday, with a high fever, white face with black circles around her eyes, and her throat hurting so badly she could barely swallow, I knew I couldn't leave her home alone all day to go to my training. She needed a doctor, and me to stay with her and take care of her. Ron is not here, he is visiting his girlfriend in Portugal and won't be back until this evening.

I really had no choice. I had to let Love and my responsibilities as a parent prevail over Fear of money problems. And all I could do was accept, call off the training and ask the company to please schedule me for next month's training since I really do want to work there, and phone the doctor first thing in the morning. And I did. With grace, and trying to keep smiling and enjoy the positive sides of it.

I really am trying my very best here. But sometimes I really wonder why the Powers that Be feel such a strong need to keep doing these things to me. I can only hope it is because They have other plans with me that will solve the problems at hand in a different way. And yes, that is a Fear based response. I never said I was perfect, just that I am trying..

The Cocoon

A very fundamental piece of writing by Chogyam Trungpa I wanted to share.



"When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us.

When we are constantly recreating our basic patterns of behavior and thought, we never have to leap into fresh air or onto fresh grass. Instead, we wrap ourselves in our own dark environment, where our only companion is the smell of our own sweat. In the cocoon, there is no dance, no walking or breathing. It is comfortable and sleepy, an intense and very familiar home.

In the cocoon, there is no idea of light at all, until we experience some longing for openness, some longing for something other than the smell of our own sweat. When we examine that comfortable darkness - look at it, smell it, feel it - we find it is claustrophobic.

So the first impulse that draws us away from the darkness of the cocoon towards the light is a longing for ventilation. As soon as we begin to sense of the possibility of fresh air, we realize that our arms and legs are being restricted. We want to stretch out and walk, dance, even jump. We realize that there is an alternative to our cocoon: we discover that we could be free from that trap. With that longing for fresh air, for a breeze of delight, we open our eyes. To our surprise, we begin to see the light, even though it may be hazy at first. The tearing of the cocoon takes place at that point.

Then, we realize that the degraded cocoon we have been hiding in is revolting, and we want to turn up the lights as far as we can. In fact, we are not turning up the lights, but we are simply opening our eyes wider. We catch a certain kind of fever.

But again and again, we should reflect back to the darkness of the cocoon. In order to inspire ourselves forward, we must look back to see the contrast with the place we came from. You see, we cannot reject the world of the cocoon - which out which we may create a new cocoon. When we see the suffering that occured in the old cocoon, that inspires us to go forward in our journey of warriorship. It is a journey that is unfolding within us."


Chogyam Trungpa
Source: Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior

My baby

All my life, I have had cats. Although I love other types of animals too, there's something about cats that I just can't describe that makes me prefer them above any other animal. I love their independance combined with cuddliness and warmth and how they have this air of total freedom and a "of course I love you, when and if I want to".

Doerak (Rascal in English) was no different. He was 6 weeks old when I got him. A friend fetched him from the farm where he had been born. She stood on my doorstep and this tiny red and white furry head curiously peeked out of her coat and then she handed him to me going "here, I know your last two cats passed away so I thought you would be the perfect new mom for this little rascal". And she was right.

At the time, my daughter was only a very small baby, and she would cry during all her waking moments, until I bought a carrier for her, much like the ones you often see in documentaries about Africa: a warm, soft, cloth wrapper going from my left shoulder to my right hip, letting the baby sleep against the mother's chest and listen to her heartbeat. It worked miracles for my girl and soon, the little red kitten decided it was his favorite sleeping spot as well and he would either join her there or lay there alone when she was in bed. Cuddled up against me, purring deeply.

2 years later my son was born. Both my children loved the, now fully grown, red and white cat, but small as they were they frequently stuck fingers in his eyes or pulled his tail, and he has always been afraid of little children since, as well as very fast in his responses if he as much as suspected someone was going to hurt him. He has bitten and scratched us numerous times, and for this reason my husband never liked him, always stating the animal was "totally unreliable and as crazy as it gets". I suppose he was, but he was also a very friendly, cuddly cat who, even as an adult, still preferred to be held like a baby, against my chest, tummy up and purring loudly. He had his own way of asking to be held that way: he would meow loudly and as soon as I crouched to pet him, stand on his hind legs, wrapping his front paws around my neck, lile a toddler asking to be lifted and carried. During those moments I would go "aww, are you my baby?" and he would purr insanely loud.

When the dog arrived some 2 years ago, Doerak had a hard time dealing. They have never liked each other, primarily because Doerak loved stealing the dog's food and the dog would get majorly upset over it. Which never really stopped Doerak, he would simply withdraw behind a cabinet or in a small corner, munching happily on a mouthful of stolen dog food while growling at the dog, not impressed at all by the dog jumping up and down and barking his head off.

He got older and older and as the years passed by, he was sick a lot, but always made miraculous recoveries. He survived pneumonia several times, always had a snotty nose which was at times less than pleasant, since his favorite sleeping spot was in my bed, on my pillow, his paws in my hair.

Over the past few weeks he quickly deteriorated. He lost weight rapidly, ending up looking very skinny, and then he stopped eating completely. Too weak to stand on his legs (but doing it anyhow) he kept coming to me for hugs and cuddles last night and this morning, then moving away again to find a quiet corner to lay in. It was, as if his body had died already, but his spirit refused to give in. And so we had to take a decision: wait until he dies, which would quite possibly mean several more days of suffering, slowly starving to death or end it, here and now. We took him to the vet, who examined him and agreed there was no hope and that euthanising him was the merciful thing to do. I held him in my arms, wrapped in a cloth, as the syringe that would put him to sleep was inserted, memories of that tiny furball in the baby carrier flashing through my mind. Petted him until after his heart had stopped after we put him on the table for the final injection. Softly talking to him and telling him it was allright, just sleep. And so he slid off, gently, to where there is no more suffering.

Goodbye Doerak. Thank you for almost 15 years of friendship, craziness, making me laugh and being a loyal, warm, purring companion always. My baby. I am so, so going to miss you.

The Dung Movie

Rich is a long term friend. We have never met in real life, but our conversations online are often so hilarious I end up laughing until it hurts. Here's just one of them, shared with permission. Just read. And to Rich: You're great.

Rich: This guy is engineering synthetic life to eat CO2 and turn it into fuel.
Kitten: hope he knows what he's doing and doesn't end up creating something that eats oxygen and turns it into cow dung
Rich: *laughing*
Kitten: admit it, that would be a great theme for a scifi horror movie
Rich: *laughs*
It has merit!
Kitten: the tension, the suspense.. will they choke first, or drown in shit?
Rich: Oh dear! No doubt in smell-o-vision.
Kitten: "Revenge of the Turds"
Rich: Eew!
Kitten: Hmm *starts writing* Not so long ago.. in a galaxy actually quite close to home.. one man.. on a mission.. the goal.. to save the planet.. the result.. too gross for words
Rich: laughing
As long as I am not in it!
Kitten: oooh, we will all be.. in it.. up to our necks, and worse..
Rich: Hm, not into that!
Kitten: it's all your fault, you triggered my insanely sadistic mind
Rich: I'm innocent.
Kitten: Hmm.. maybe you are.. you could be the hero trying to save us all by flying into space with a huge bomb and blowing something up....no wait, wrong movie
Rich: *laughs* You're not making a movie about dung.
Kitten: why not? it hasn't been dung before and I think humanity is ready for it. I mean, they've been watching shitty movies for decades, it's time we take this to the next level.
Rich: *laughs* That's qualitative dung rather than content!
Kitten: Why yes, of course. But doesn't it prove there is an actual, and huge, need for it?
Rich: No-absence could imply no demand!
Kitten: *sighs* Look. It's much like people watching documentaries about nudism only because they can't afford the porn channel. Watching shitty movies is simply a case of settling for less, because the real thing is not available.
Rich: But other videos are a commodity and are available at low prices?
Kitten: And if that doesn't convince you, just watch the news. Shit, multiple times a day, all over the planet.
It's even in our language.. how often do we say: shit happens?
Rich: I don't really watch the news-I read it on web sites now. The television news is rather stupid.
Kitten: You even admit it yourself, can't count the times I've heard you say: I feel like shit
Rich: *laughs*
Oh hush!
*spanks a bit*
Kitten: You're just jealous I thought of this brilliant plan first
Rich: Not really-I am perverted and like touching your ass.
Kitten: See? Ass. Even subconsciously, you are expressing a preference for the body part that produces.. exactly!
Rich: I don't want to BEEP your ass, just grope it.
Kitten: You're in denial
Rich: Isn't that a river in Africa?
Kitten: No. That's The Nile. Although those bathing in it are indeed in denial. It's very polluted with.. guess what.
Rich: Arabs?
Kitten: Well that too.
*laughing*
*bites your nose* well.. stay in The Nile if you want to. I'm phoning some movie making friends about my idea.
Hmm.. better make movie making friends, first