My turn

A lot is happening in my life right now. My RL husband is home sick again for an indefinite period of time. Burnout, depressed. And so I hardly ever have the house to myself, and my "me" time is diminished to brief moments when he is not sitting here right next to me, but instead went out to take the kids to school, see the doctor, and similar moments. I find myself struggling once more, and inside the despair and the anger build up. At times I want to yell, scream, throw things against the wall. An all consuming feeling of Leave Me The Fuck Alone takes over. I hardly ever DJ, because I need peace of mind, and a reasonable amount of silence around me when I do. Then the moments of despair become more frequent. I start taking meditation classes to find the peace and balance I so desperately need. Talk to friends and one of them tells me I have to stop being such a fucking coward and follow *my* path. EXcuse me?? I am setting everything that is me aside because I have to, I struggle and fight on and always put my own needs last on the list, and he calls me a coward??

I think about it for quite a few days. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. It has to stop. I have to indeed walk my path, do my things, be me the way I am meant to be me. I have to stop trying to control everything around me, plug every leak in everybodys life, realize this family can very well survive an evening or even longer without me if need be, and demand time for myself, my needs, my goals, my dreams. Set limits, and not have them crossed. Pull emotional vampires away from me.Work with who and what I am, and allow that to develop and evolve. But even more important: I have to just be. And stop thinking about the how, why, when, with who etc. in there, plotting my actions or lack thereof accordingly.

And somehow, that knowledge brings a tremendous calm. Today on our way back from picking up the kids, who had spent the weekend at an aunts, the sun which was already setting disappeared behind a cloud and the result was an absolutely magnificent red/golden light, turning the edges of the cloud into pure fire, with rays of sunlight from behind the cloud going in all directions making it look like a giant star shaped pattern painted upon the skies. Breathtaking.. And for a brief moment all the world was perfect balance, perfect peace, and the silence, even though we were in the middle of heavy traffic and the radio was on, was overwhelming.

Just be. The simplest, and yet hardest, thing to do. I am going for it. With those who truly love me right by my side, and those who cannot accept it out of my life. Its all good.