New perspectives

Yes, my last blog post was a bit negative. Thank you to the people who responded to it, telling me I am not alone and that they too at times feel like that. It helps. And I dont always feel that way. In fact, over the past few days multiple things have happened that made me realize that, even though I have my FU all moments.. I kind of like life, still.

And right now, I actually cant wait to get on SL and catch up with several friends I've been neglecting because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Today has taught me to see things from a whole new perspective. Today I have seen the light, and all the beauty that can be found if only you re willing to see. Why? Because today, I did the one thing that will purify the soul, no matter how bitter about life it may be. I went to an amusement park. By car, with 2 kids. Oh, but that is fun! you may say? Well.. let me elaborate.

We got up at 8. Which, since its summer vacation here, is plain torture in itself. By then, the kids had been up for at least an hour, and they had decided to make their own bread and drinks to take with them in the car. And so I didnt have to worry about doing that anymore. I just had to clean up the complete mess in the kitchen but oh.. well. We had coffee, trying to wake up, while the kids were running around gathering stuff they absolutely needed. And so, by 9, there was a pile of bags next to the front door, containing food, drinks, sweets, swimsuits, towels, books, toys, and several other non identified items that absolutely needed to be on the car.

Loaded all that into the car, managed to squeeze the kids and ourselves in, as well, and left. It was an 1.5 hours drive, and of course after about 30 minutes the kids discovered some critical items in the no further specified category that were absolutely needed for the trip had been left behind. But we managed to ignore the crying, screaming and begging and boldly drove on, to our destination. Once we reached that, the fun was really going to begin. Parking went reasonably well, the long walk from the parking to the entrance was okay, and then looooooong lines of people queueing up to get in were.. well.. long. I honestly dont know how we manage to do it every time again, but whenever we go to an amusement park, we always seem to pick the same day multiple families consisting of Mr Moron, Ms Heavily Overweight and their little inbreds have chosen too. Its like they have this reunion thing going on with all the people that were ever on the Jerry Springer Show, and we end up in the middle of that. Trying to keep our calm. Which is friggin hard, with an autistic girl who all by herself is quite capable of ruining the day in a split second. Really, we dont need any outside help for that.

Anyhow, we got in, drove through the safari park by car, seeing lots of wild animals, had our car licked by a giraffe and our tires examined by an ostrich, had lunch in one of the park restaurants, and spent the rest of the day in the "Fun City" part of the park which basically is a huuge playground, beach, trampolines, kid carts etc. The kids had fun, Ron did too although a day like this is hard on his sore leg and ditto back, and I tried to make the best of it. Yes, I am somewhat of an antisocial, I don't like being around people, and large doses of them make me grumpy. Especially if they ram my ankles with their buggies, shove me aside when standing in line for an attraction using their humongous butts as a wedge, and force me to pull my girl out of a moving giant stride because some asshats kept pulling the ropes that kept the whole thing moving, even though my daughter was screaming "stop! I can't hold on much longer". (That was a spectacular action though. The thing was on the beach, and so I did a jump/grab the girl/roll over in the sand to avoid the rest of the seats zooming over our heads. By the time we were safely away from the machine she looked at me and said: wow mommy.. you looked like an FBI agent pulling somebody away from a bullet.. lol)

We had dinner in a restaurant on the way back, and finally got home exhausted, dirty, and some 200 Dollars poorer. And so now, after coffee and tucking the kids in, I am gonna get on SL, and enjoy life and friendship.

All in all.. Life isn't so bad. And any of you doubting this statement: try amusement park therapy. It works miracles.

My turn

A lot is happening in my life right now. My RL husband is home sick again for an indefinite period of time. Burnout, depressed. And so I hardly ever have the house to myself, and my "me" time is diminished to brief moments when he is not sitting here right next to me, but instead went out to take the kids to school, see the doctor, and similar moments. I find myself struggling once more, and inside the despair and the anger build up. At times I want to yell, scream, throw things against the wall. An all consuming feeling of Leave Me The Fuck Alone takes over. I hardly ever DJ, because I need peace of mind, and a reasonable amount of silence around me when I do. Then the moments of despair become more frequent. I start taking meditation classes to find the peace and balance I so desperately need. Talk to friends and one of them tells me I have to stop being such a fucking coward and follow *my* path. EXcuse me?? I am setting everything that is me aside because I have to, I struggle and fight on and always put my own needs last on the list, and he calls me a coward??

I think about it for quite a few days. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. It has to stop. I have to indeed walk my path, do my things, be me the way I am meant to be me. I have to stop trying to control everything around me, plug every leak in everybodys life, realize this family can very well survive an evening or even longer without me if need be, and demand time for myself, my needs, my goals, my dreams. Set limits, and not have them crossed. Pull emotional vampires away from me.Work with who and what I am, and allow that to develop and evolve. But even more important: I have to just be. And stop thinking about the how, why, when, with who etc. in there, plotting my actions or lack thereof accordingly.

And somehow, that knowledge brings a tremendous calm. Today on our way back from picking up the kids, who had spent the weekend at an aunts, the sun which was already setting disappeared behind a cloud and the result was an absolutely magnificent red/golden light, turning the edges of the cloud into pure fire, with rays of sunlight from behind the cloud going in all directions making it look like a giant star shaped pattern painted upon the skies. Breathtaking.. And for a brief moment all the world was perfect balance, perfect peace, and the silence, even though we were in the middle of heavy traffic and the radio was on, was overwhelming.

Just be. The simplest, and yet hardest, thing to do. I am going for it. With those who truly love me right by my side, and those who cannot accept it out of my life. Its all good.