*Grin*

After tidying up and doing some chores around the house I finally flop down at my desk. Morning coffee time. One of the moments during the day when I still miss my cigarettes, sometimes. I read my Email, pop on SecondLife for a moment to check my sales and log off again before people notice I'm there and start IMing me. I still have tons of work left to do around the house.

As always when alone in the house, I play music. My music, undisturbed by anyone or anything. No loud cartoons, TV shows, battle sounds from various computer games, screaming kids or hubby telling me "you really must hear this" ( but I really don't wanna) stories. Just me, my surround system, kickass sound card, and lots and lots of wonderful songs. What I play depends largely on my mood. Lately, it's primarily the quieter music. Rock ballads, lots of native American music (check out Robbie Robertson, people), Enigma, Deep Forest, ambient and lounge music.

Shakira's "Underneath your clothes" brings a wide grin to my face. Its lyrics somehow remind me of him. As do countless other songs. If I were still DJing, I'd dedicate them to him. Her latest album is something special though and so I play more songs from it. "Ready for the good times" is another track that makes me smile big. Great lyrics:

"Cause every day there's a war to fight
and if I win or lose nevermind
as long as you're my shelter every night"

I've been dreaming a lot, lately. I vaguely remember being in the forest last night, its colors, the way it smells, the sounds.. No details really, or even what the dream was about, just an overall feeling of *grin*. Oh well, *grin* is good.

Onto more cleaning house. Life isn't so bad, at all.

New perspectives

Yes, my last blog post was a bit negative. Thank you to the people who responded to it, telling me I am not alone and that they too at times feel like that. It helps. And I dont always feel that way. In fact, over the past few days multiple things have happened that made me realize that, even though I have my FU all moments.. I kind of like life, still.

And right now, I actually cant wait to get on SL and catch up with several friends I've been neglecting because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Today has taught me to see things from a whole new perspective. Today I have seen the light, and all the beauty that can be found if only you re willing to see. Why? Because today, I did the one thing that will purify the soul, no matter how bitter about life it may be. I went to an amusement park. By car, with 2 kids. Oh, but that is fun! you may say? Well.. let me elaborate.

We got up at 8. Which, since its summer vacation here, is plain torture in itself. By then, the kids had been up for at least an hour, and they had decided to make their own bread and drinks to take with them in the car. And so I didnt have to worry about doing that anymore. I just had to clean up the complete mess in the kitchen but oh.. well. We had coffee, trying to wake up, while the kids were running around gathering stuff they absolutely needed. And so, by 9, there was a pile of bags next to the front door, containing food, drinks, sweets, swimsuits, towels, books, toys, and several other non identified items that absolutely needed to be on the car.

Loaded all that into the car, managed to squeeze the kids and ourselves in, as well, and left. It was an 1.5 hours drive, and of course after about 30 minutes the kids discovered some critical items in the no further specified category that were absolutely needed for the trip had been left behind. But we managed to ignore the crying, screaming and begging and boldly drove on, to our destination. Once we reached that, the fun was really going to begin. Parking went reasonably well, the long walk from the parking to the entrance was okay, and then looooooong lines of people queueing up to get in were.. well.. long. I honestly dont know how we manage to do it every time again, but whenever we go to an amusement park, we always seem to pick the same day multiple families consisting of Mr Moron, Ms Heavily Overweight and their little inbreds have chosen too. Its like they have this reunion thing going on with all the people that were ever on the Jerry Springer Show, and we end up in the middle of that. Trying to keep our calm. Which is friggin hard, with an autistic girl who all by herself is quite capable of ruining the day in a split second. Really, we dont need any outside help for that.

Anyhow, we got in, drove through the safari park by car, seeing lots of wild animals, had our car licked by a giraffe and our tires examined by an ostrich, had lunch in one of the park restaurants, and spent the rest of the day in the "Fun City" part of the park which basically is a huuge playground, beach, trampolines, kid carts etc. The kids had fun, Ron did too although a day like this is hard on his sore leg and ditto back, and I tried to make the best of it. Yes, I am somewhat of an antisocial, I don't like being around people, and large doses of them make me grumpy. Especially if they ram my ankles with their buggies, shove me aside when standing in line for an attraction using their humongous butts as a wedge, and force me to pull my girl out of a moving giant stride because some asshats kept pulling the ropes that kept the whole thing moving, even though my daughter was screaming "stop! I can't hold on much longer". (That was a spectacular action though. The thing was on the beach, and so I did a jump/grab the girl/roll over in the sand to avoid the rest of the seats zooming over our heads. By the time we were safely away from the machine she looked at me and said: wow mommy.. you looked like an FBI agent pulling somebody away from a bullet.. lol)

We had dinner in a restaurant on the way back, and finally got home exhausted, dirty, and some 200 Dollars poorer. And so now, after coffee and tucking the kids in, I am gonna get on SL, and enjoy life and friendship.

All in all.. Life isn't so bad. And any of you doubting this statement: try amusement park therapy. It works miracles.

My turn

A lot is happening in my life right now. My RL husband is home sick again for an indefinite period of time. Burnout, depressed. And so I hardly ever have the house to myself, and my "me" time is diminished to brief moments when he is not sitting here right next to me, but instead went out to take the kids to school, see the doctor, and similar moments. I find myself struggling once more, and inside the despair and the anger build up. At times I want to yell, scream, throw things against the wall. An all consuming feeling of Leave Me The Fuck Alone takes over. I hardly ever DJ, because I need peace of mind, and a reasonable amount of silence around me when I do. Then the moments of despair become more frequent. I start taking meditation classes to find the peace and balance I so desperately need. Talk to friends and one of them tells me I have to stop being such a fucking coward and follow *my* path. EXcuse me?? I am setting everything that is me aside because I have to, I struggle and fight on and always put my own needs last on the list, and he calls me a coward??

I think about it for quite a few days. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. It has to stop. I have to indeed walk my path, do my things, be me the way I am meant to be me. I have to stop trying to control everything around me, plug every leak in everybodys life, realize this family can very well survive an evening or even longer without me if need be, and demand time for myself, my needs, my goals, my dreams. Set limits, and not have them crossed. Pull emotional vampires away from me.Work with who and what I am, and allow that to develop and evolve. But even more important: I have to just be. And stop thinking about the how, why, when, with who etc. in there, plotting my actions or lack thereof accordingly.

And somehow, that knowledge brings a tremendous calm. Today on our way back from picking up the kids, who had spent the weekend at an aunts, the sun which was already setting disappeared behind a cloud and the result was an absolutely magnificent red/golden light, turning the edges of the cloud into pure fire, with rays of sunlight from behind the cloud going in all directions making it look like a giant star shaped pattern painted upon the skies. Breathtaking.. And for a brief moment all the world was perfect balance, perfect peace, and the silence, even though we were in the middle of heavy traffic and the radio was on, was overwhelming.

Just be. The simplest, and yet hardest, thing to do. I am going for it. With those who truly love me right by my side, and those who cannot accept it out of my life. Its all good.

Back to nature?

This morning, cycling home after taking the kids to school, I was thinking about how they "paved paradise and put up a parking lot" as the song goes. In other words, how far we have drifted away from nature. I have often said I would be perfectly happy in a cabin in the woods, with just the basic needs for survival, the people I love around me, and a fast Internet connection :). And I wasn't joking. Most of what "modern society" has to offer, I can easily live without.

I have been called a savage by various family members for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memories are from the time dad and me lived with my grandparents in Zandvoort, one of the Netherlands busiest seaside resorts. I was around 4 years old, then. In between our garden and the sea was nothing but dunes and for some reason the trees, the sand, the wild life (well not all that wild, just rabbits and birds and hedgehogs and the like) and of course the sea attracted me like a magnet. No matter how often they told me I wasn't allowed outside the garden, punished me, told me it was dangerous etc... I always managed to sneak away unnoticed and spend hours and hours in the dunes or at the beach, playing, or just sitting and watching nature around me.

Later on in life I was quite active in Scouting for 10 years in a row, all the way from brownie to girl scout leader. I learned how to use a compass, tie knots (boy did I learn how to tie knots, and yes, it comes in handy during.. other activities now ;)), navigate using the stars, first aid, build stuff from logs and rope, cook on fire, and many more things. And I have never lost this love for the outdoors, and grabbed every chance I got to sleep outside, in a tent, a teepee even.. provided it is the real outdoors, not this weird way of spending their vacation lots of people seem to enjoy. What's the fun in being on a huge camping, tents and caravans side by side for as far as you can see, with water and electricity and cable TV and all right next to your camping spot? I have never understood that. You pay a fortune to spend your holiday in a linen/aluminum version of a suburb. It's just like home, only everything is less comfortable, smaller, and looks like the cheap plastic it is actually made of. Oh and the neighbors can hear everything you say or do without using a glass to press against the walls. Bleh.

I guess the worst thing about it all is we don't even miss this feeling of being in touch with nature any longer. Well, most of the time anyhow. I'm off to spend time with my garden. I hope it still recognizes me.

Story of the little finger

I had a pretty rough nite last nite. Mike woke me up at 4, he had diarrhea so I spent the next hour and a half changing his bed, going back to sleep, being woken again coz he was crying and feeling miserable etc. Finally around 5:30 I went back to sleep and had an utterly weird dream. Maybe it makes sense to you, if not: have a good laugh. So this is the story of the little finger, Stephen King eat your heart out.

I was sitting in my chair at my desk when I felt a stinging sensation in the little finger on my left hand. A sharp superficial pain, like a paper cut. I examined it and found that indeed there was a cut there. First thought was: hmmz, must have cut myself without realizing it, prolly while doing my paperwork. When I examined the finger more closely I found that the cut was all around the finger, I careflly pulled a little to see how deep it was and the whole top half of the finger came off. I sat there for an instant,
staring at my detached body part. It did not hurt at all, just this slight paper cut type sensation. It was a very clean cut, as if it had been done with a laser or so. No blood, and apparently the nerve endings had been killed so it did not hurt. The two halves of the pinkie were somewhat wet and sticky so I could put them back together and the top half of the finger would stay on, but slide off again as soon as I moved my hand.

Then I panicked. I ran to Ron and showed him. He looked and was not shocked at all. " Oh, just the little finger, you don't need that". I was startled. " But is has been completely cut off! I need to go to the hospital now!". He gave me a "stop nagging" look but I insisted and finally he said "Oh well, if you think you should.. go to the hospital then". I wanted to call a taxi but he said the hospital was only 15 mins by bike so I did not need a taxi. And so I set off on my bike, holding the steer with the injured hand and
holding my finger with the other hand so it would not fall off.

I reached the hospital and entered the ER. It was packed with people. I proceeded towards the lady that was doing the intakes and yelled "please help me! My finger has been cut off!". She looked, shook her head and said "Oh just the little finger? You can easily do without that". She pointed at an empty seat in between the crowd and told me to sit and wait there.

I sat there for many hours. People came and went, but no one came to get me. Several times I walked over to the lady at the counter and was sent back to my seat every time, in a very irritated tone of voice. " We handle the emergencies first". I felt devastated, knowing that the detached part of my finger by now probably had deteriorated so much there was no way they could still sew it on again and make it functional.

Finally I was directed to a separate room and was told to sit on a table behind a white curtain. After a while a lady came in, wearing a white doctor's coat that you could easily see through, nothing underneath. She had a medium brown mulatte skin, very short black hair, twinkling blue eyes and her body was shaped to perfection. She just stood there, looking at me. I stared back and asked "Who are you?". She grinned, then said " I am you, only better". She examined my finger and said " Oh well, just the little
finger, you can easily live without it." I stressed that I really, really wanted it back on and she shook her head. " That's aestetics only surgery, insurance does not cover that and we already checked your financial background.. there is no way you can afford it". I now knew for sure I had somehow ended up in a totally mad dimension and asked her: " so... what do I do?". She was already leaving the room but stopped and turned around. She then gave me a fantastic smile and said: " Just remember who I am." Then she was gone.

Then I woke up sweating and found that the little finger of my left hand was trapped under my body and hurt a little bit because of the lack of blood flow.

I think the feeling of me being the only one worrying about my lost finger is a direct result of me feeling like I am the only one worrying about this one way path I am on and the closed doors behind me.I guess this feeling and the finger getting stuck under my body caused that part of the dream. I just don't get
where the female doctor (but was she?) fits in, who she is.

What I gathered from what she told me is that I am to accept my present condition and be happy with it, because the cost of going back to who I was before is too high and unacceptable. And apparently, I was the only one seeing my present condition as a problem. Maybe no longer being able to be a workaholic hotshot manager type isn't a bad thing. Maybe the other qualities I have since developed can be put to use somehow.

This afternoon a job agency called me about a temp job, doing acquisition by phone and I said no, that's not what I am good at, I hate being a "jehovah's witness by phone" trying to sell people stuff they really don't want. She said okay, then later on phoned me back and said she thought I really was the right person for the job. It's parttime, 3 days a week, the company is not selling a product but sells its creativity to help companies create the best possible advertisement campaign on radio or TV (they did the last Amnesty Internationl campaign amongst others), in magazines, the best possible stand and presentation on congresses etc. and my job would be to phone companies, explain what the company does and make appointments for the
sales people to sell those concepts. A creativity thinktank sort of thing. Its for 3 months and if all goes well there is a possibility to become an account manager after that. They were looking for a creative, out-of-the-box kind of person and so the lady at the job agency remembered me (I had been there once 2 months ago and we had not spoken since, apparently I left quite an impression as she could still describe what I looked like). Soooo my CV is at the employer's desk now and hopefully I will hear soon wether they
want to talk to me. And the funny thing is I really hope they want to talk to me, I so want this job, which is weird coz only yesterday I came to the conclusion that going back in the ratrace will never work for me. And then opportunity knocks and the cards are reshuffled.

Sigh. Life. Every time I think I understand the game, they change the rules.


This was today's madness report, now back to the studio.

Angel down

I' ve been called an angel numerous times. I guess this is because it is in my nature to help people, comfort them, pull them out of the pit if they fell in. Don't get me wrong, I don't see this as an achievement of sorts, its just who I am.

But sometimes, it gets too much and I desperately need time to myself without anyone needing me, wanting me. The past weekend was rough. Having hubby and the kids home is always hard because they all need alot of my attention and this weekend was worse than average due to my girl being sick and her being autistic, that means she requires my attention almost constantly.

I did a long DJ session for a sim opening in SL on Saturday night and I kept getting disconnected from the server, so by the time the 5 hours I was scheduled for were almost over I was stressed out to the max. I know it wasn't my fault and that the Internet at times is fallible, but I so would have loved to give those people a good time and good music, instead of spending most of my time trying to reconnect while explaining to them I was really trying to get back on and that I was sorry about all this. *sigh*

After that, I of course did not sleep. Had to get up early again on Sunday to do my regular Dj shift at Succubus, and divided my time during the rest of the Sunday between talking to friends (most of which were again "counselling" type of talks) and taking care of my family.

Went to bed on time, was woken by the alarm at 7 still feeling miserable and overtly tired, dragged myself to school to take my son there, and now back home, taking care of my sick girl, tidying up some of the mess the family created over the weekend (toys everywhere, hubby's desk looking like an ash tray on feet, etc.) and preparing for my next DJ session at the club.

An online lover approaches me, we talk and virtually cuddle some, he wants sex and I turn him down. And feel bad for doing so but.. I dont have the time now, nor the energy, nor even the sex drive.

And I realize I miss a mate. Somebody to stand by me, to tell me to stop running around like crazy. Somebody who doesn't need anything from me.While selecting music I listen to Frankie goes to Hollywoods "the power of love" and the words echo in my ears.. "I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door". And I sigh. Then do what I usually do when this mood strikes me.

I grab Spencers "The art of the warrior" from my desk and read. Take a deep breath, get up to bring my girl tea and some fresh fruit, cuddle her and watch her cling to me and beam at me. Ahhyes. I ground myself by just standing, pushing my feet almost into the floor, raising hands and soaking up the energy around me. Pour myself a large mug of coffee and as I am standing next to the espresso machine waiting for coffee to be ready, I feel my wings unfold again.

To the Batmobile, Robin ;)