Nils Illigitimus Carborandum

This must be one of the most difficult periods in my life. Our house is for sale and we have no idea where to go once it's sold. Our financial troubles are major, and for some reason we can't seem to find jobs that solve the situation. Although I have started working again, part-time as a telemarketeer we still are in it up to our necks.

I have never been very good at facing insecurities. I neeeed to know what's next, and when, and how. Not knowing is killing for a control freak like myself, and the fact that we have kids we feel extremely responsible for doesn't make it any easier.

But somehow, we manage to not only keep on fighting, but smile during the bigger part of the battle. For some reason, we are still going strong, still laughing a lot, still having many great moments as a family. Friends and acquaintances who know about our situation ask us: how can you go on and be so happy? I would be worried sick and not sleep a wink if I were you.

The answer is simple. A mixture of the old saying "count your blessings" and determination. Plus the three most important things in martial arts: focus, focus, focus. All this boils down to doing what we can when we can, and not worrying about a thing the rest of the time. Enjoy the good things we do have, our relationship, the kids, the warmth of this household and our friends. Simple things like reading good books or watching thought provoking programs and films. And no, it doesn't work all the time, we have our moments of sadness and despair. But never for long.

For some reason, life itself has decided to throw us a curved ball. There is very little we can do about that fact, but we do have a choice in how we respond to it. We chose to fight. To keep our heads up. To not let it get to us. The "Latin with a wink" saying I chose as the title for this entry says it all. Nils Illigitimus Carborandum. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Contemplating

The process of mourning and grief has been well examined by scientists. It goes through several stages, although not necessarily in any particular order. Sometimes we shift from one stage to another and back but we have to complete each stage before we are fully able to integrate the loss of a dear person in our life, and move on.

The initial stage is best described as denial and numbness. Although we rationally know what happened a part of us refuses to accept it. We go numb, going through the motions of everyday life without really experiencing the world around us. It feels, as if our heart has been ripped out and although we do cry a lot when the reality of our loss strikes us, we try to lock ourselves away from it, endlessly searching for things that link us to the deseased one like pictures, music, memories etc.

Then there is the anger. Once the emotions we have locked inside surface, anger (combined with sadness) is likely to be the way we express this. Over and over we ask ourselves why, why this person, why now, why does life have to be so unfair. This anger is likely to also be directed at anyone who is related to the deceased one, like other family members, the doctor that treated the deceased one, and even at ourselves. We create if.. then scenarios to try and find a way we might have kept it from happening or might have made more out of the relationship we had with him/her. We feel guilty towards the ones close to us because we obviously aren't in the best of moods nor participating much in everyday life. We reevaluate our relationship not only with the deceased one, but at the same our own relationship with life and the ones surrounding us, as well as our personal beliefs and motives.

Finally and inevitably, there will be acceptance. Life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and the ones we care for to make the very best of it. Once we realize this, we can start using the energy that up till then was used to mourn, be sad and be angry for restructuring our life. I have often said it: what does not kill us makes us stronger, and this is true, but it takes time to reroute that energy and any attempt to speed things up will only result in it to go slower.

At this moment, Ron is going through much anger and sadness. He pretty much does not want to see or talk to anyone, and the energy he radiates is so utterly present I can almost see it with my eyes. Once more, I have to deal with his pain and meanwhile keep this family going, shield him from well meant but unwanted attention from people he really does not want to see right now, spend time with the kids etc. I have to be there when he needs me and become invisible when he wants to be alone with his own thoughts. Once more, I have to be a warrior in the only way I can be one, live up to my credo that is the essence of who and what I am: to serve, to heal, to protect.

In the past, I thought of physical pain as the thing that would cause me the worst pain to deal with and submit to in this life. I was so utterly wrong.. The hardest thing, and at the same time the biggest challenge is to accept his pain, to accept I cannot make it better, and to submit to the forces of the Universe bringing all this upon us. Am I learning? You bet I am. But I am far from being perfect nor do I believe I ever will be. I do what I do, in the only way I can do it. It is who I am, and I strongly believe it is part of the reason why he and I were bound to be together. And together, we will survive.

We are Ordeal Path workers and we know one of the consequences of choosing this path is that it will never be easy. But as much as we would like to hide, or take a different path at times.. there is no other way. The strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, folded time and time again, forged again and again then tested under the most difficult circumstances with no room for minor faults. It is, what distinguishes a real katana from a gift shop souvenir sword.

To the warrior that was slain in battle: I bide you a safe journey and I know we will meet again. To the warrior that is grieving: I salute you and will remain by Your side till the end of times. We will fight, hurt, laugh, cry and love together. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Death of a Warrior

Death of a warrior

Your boat is sailing now
The glow of the candles brings light to your journey
as you slowly glide towards new horizons
Slain in battle, brave warrior
Too soon, too cruel

We stand on the shore and cry in pain and anger
We curse at the Gods, he was one of us!
No armour can shield us from this
No weapons to fight it
Apart from one... love

Know now, brave warrior that you are not forgotten
Every tree knows your name and whispers in the wind
He was one of us cries the rain
and reflects your face a million times
As do our hearts

On the other side the warriors that went before await
Come now brother, take your place amongst us
Rest and eat and join in the festivities
You earned your place with honor
and dignity

And while still grieving we too must face another fight
The battle continues each time the sun rises
We know that in our darkest hours you will stand right beside us
Love conquers all and you will always be
one of us

Real

" 'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you...' 'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.' "
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

I found this quote in a book I had forgotten I loved so much. It made me realize just what it is, I admire in Ron. Ron is utterly Real.

We have been through a lot together. Life has given us blow after blow after blow to handle, and many times it was him who was the one to take the major part of the blow. He has been very ill several times and I have watched him fight his pain without ever loosing his patience once. He was laid off by an IT company he loved working for and has been struggling to get back where he belongs workwise since. And now, he has lost his son.

If it is true that we don't get more than we can handle, then someone up there must have an incredible lot of faith in him. Does that sound cynical and angry? Well it should, because that is exactly how I feel, apart of course from tremendously sad to see him hurt so badly. And if everything happens for a reason, then please, somebody, tell me what it is, because you have completely lost me here.

Yet... I see him fighting yet another terrible battle and doing so with dignity, integrity, honor and acceptance. I stood in awe when one of the first decisions he took after it became clear that there was no hope left for his son, was that the boy's organs were to be donated to help and save other people with. If a man, under those horrible circumstances, can think of a thing like that... that's when you know he is Real. Over the past days I have seen him cry or go silent many times, but I have also seen his determination to not go completely to pieces and go on. Or as he puts it himself: we will live on until we survive.

And we will. I know we will. The time will come when this too will have found its place to rest in our hearts, not forgotten, but integrated into all that we are made of. Into all, that makes us Real.

In loving memory of Gerard

In loving memory of Gerard


On August 17, 2004 Ron's oldest son Gerard has died unexpectedly. Gerard was only 17.

There are no words to even begin describing the sadness this incredible loss is causing everyone who knew him. And apart from the deep sadness there is anger, pain, and non understanding. Life at times can be so cruel and so unfair.

Gerard.. a young dog as one of his friends called him. Reckless at times, but with his heart in the right place and living life to the max. Always positive, straight forward, and with a solid belief in right and wrong. A leader, an initiator, enthusiastic and full of dreams and ideas. A guy all were happy to know and most of all: a guy to be incredibly proud of.

We were so happy that the contact between him and Ron had been reestablished. They chatted for hours and hours via MSN, and only a few weeks ago we went to visit Gerard in his house. We are grateful that at least we have this to look back on. Grateful for the memories. Grateful, for everything Gerard stood for and for the fact that in spite of the circumstances we were able to be a part of that.

One day the pain will fade and find its place in our hearts. But for now, we have no words to express how it feels and so we use W.H. Auden's poem Funeral Blues instead...


Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: Put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.