That time of the month

It's that time of the month again. No, not menstruation, I haven't had that in ages.. My endometriosis made the bleedings far too severe causing me to get anemic, weak and miserable and so the bleedings are being suppressed by medication now. But you can only fool the body up to a certain level and so I do still have a that time of the month. Which in my case means I am very tired, have a piercing headache and am so emotional I can cry over minor stupid things.

It also does something strange to my mind: it enhances the negative side of things. It is as if my focus gets shifted. An example: normally, my point of view about our dog is: I love him to bits even though I never really wanted a dog, and yes he sometimes makes a mess and demolishes things but hey, all part of having a dog and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But just now, when talking about the dog with my girl, I said something like : Yeah he's cute but he damages so much, we can't go anywhere anymore because he can't be alone for long, it's bad enough I need to clean up after you lot all the time but now there's an extra mess maker around the house as well and I should have stuck to my guns when we discussed it because I really, really didn't want a dog.

Both statements are equally true. But normally, I take the balanced, positive approach. Now, I feel myself slide down the slope towards the big black "this whole world sucks and they're all against me" hole and the scary thing is: I know it's happening, I know why, I fight it with everything I have in me.. but I can't stop it. Luckily I never go down the slope for more than a day or two. It never gets to be as bad as a real depression. Usually, around the third day of my that time of the month at some point I go : Pfft, what the hell was I whining about, pick myself up and go on living life as usual, laughing and joking and smiling a lot and being my strong, balanced, I can do anything me.

And in the meantime I hang on to everything I can grab to prevent myself from sliding too far down. Friends and loved ones who know me well enough to realize this is happening help, by making me laugh and letting me know they care. Ron knows and will usually simply tell me to do as little as possible, wrap me up in a bear hug and let me just relax and wait for it to pass. I have a bunch of amazing people around me and I'm eternally grateful for that. Still, I wish I didn't have this. And no I am not going to see a doctor. If I'd talk to one in my present condition I am pretty sure they would stuff me full of pills, diagnose me with depression and send in some well meaning worker, erapist or similar moron to make things a lot worse.

Breathing is a good thing. If I can just manage to keep doing that, keep my negative feelings and thoughts to myself so I don't scare the living daylights out of people around me and wait for this to pass, I will be fine. I hate negative, whiney people. But one or two days of each month, I am one. But at least I know, and I battle it. I'm off to take a long shower and let all the negativity and self pity wash down the drain. Have a wonderful day!

44

Last week, I turned 44. I don't really celebrate my birthday other than getting a big birthday cake and eating that with Ron and the kids. Oh and the fact I will get an iPhone, as soon as they're available here which is in only a few days time now. But birthdays don't mean a lot to me, and I stopped complying with the "general rules of conduct" dictating one should have a house full of people one needs to feed, fetch drinks and keep entertained all day long to the point where one ends up exhausted at the end of the day and realizing one was too busy to really have a decent conversation with any of the guests. Happy Birthday? Yes thanks, I'd like one, please don't come. I much rather see my friends whenever we like to see each other, and one or two at a time.

But my birthday did make me contemplate my life as it is now. I compared me now, with me 20 years ago. When I was 24, I was a hotshot manager, working 60-80 hours a week, traveling a lot for my job, making a lot of money. I was young, free, single and successful, 20 kilo's lighter than I am now and my clothing matched my perfume perfectly: both were by Chanel.

Now, I am a middle aged mom. I don't have a job outside of the house, I get paid for taking care of my mentally handicapped child by the government instead. I write a bit, I design and build a bit in Second Life, and I have several other interests I spend time on, music and spirituality being the biggest two there. I keep a big house with 6 cats, 2 rats, a dog, 2 kids and a husband clean and somewhat tidy and I run the family's finances.

In the eyes of the world, my 24 year old me was a lot bigger and hotter than my present self.

And yet.. given the choice, I wouldn't want to go back to who I was then. I am happier, more complete, more balanced, a little bit wiser and so much more myself now. And in spite of the 20 kilo's, I even think I am more beautiful now. Both my body and my spirit have been scarred by life itself. But both have also matured and are now well rounded in just the right places, the sharp edges gone. In every possible way, I am content with who and what I am. I love being 44.