The benefit of doubt

From an early age on, I was thought that doubt was a bad thing. Yet, I did it a lot. I doubted the rules my parents wanted me to live by, the rules of society in general, the religious beliefs I was told were right, and later on even things like morals and taboos. In a way, I have always refused to accept anything just because other people said it was the right thing. Not that I was a rebel. I can honestly say I was a well behaved child, I had good grades at school, in fact I never stood out in any way. But my thoughts were mine and mine alone, although occasionally I did share them with my parents, which usually lead to violent discussions ending in "go to your room!".

Still I believe that doubting anything and everything is the way to go. The moment we accept anything as the absolute truth, as undoubtedly right.. is where we loose our autonomy as human beings. Take religion as an example. All the extreme believers, wether they believe in Allah, God, Jahweh or even Satan, make the same mistake: they accept their own truth as the truth, and reject everything else. What if they turn out to be wrong? Or even worse, what, if they are failing to see the bigger picture and in fact, all of them are right, but by rejecting all other religions, all of them are wrong, too? Why can't we just all agree on the simple basics, without turning them into any sort of dogma, and leave it at that?

We are being manipulated into accepting lots of truths, all the time. Without doubt. This is good, that is bad, why? because it just is. Well, I guess I am a very bad person, then. I had sex long before I ever got married, I was divorced twice, I left the church and went on a neverending quest to define my own spiritual beliefs. I have put people in hospital, and I will do so again without hesitation to defend myself or anyone I care about. I will kill and steal if I have to, and I define when I have to. I believe there are circumstances under which anything and everything is justified. I love my loved ones and I know they love me, but I don't take this as a given nor do I expect it to last forever. One day at a time. My body is pierced and tattooed and I like it that way. I make my own choices, and they are valid for this moment, but if circumstances change, tomorrow's choice may be quite different and I won't feel guilty or bad because of that.

In remaining fluid in our judgment and perceptions, we use the full potential of our tremendous brain. It also saves us lots of stress. Once you stop taking anything as a given and move to a more day to day type approach, you automatically stop worrying about most things. Not careless, just focussed on making the best of the only moment in time we have any influence on: now. Not rebellious, just out of the box. Doubt is a very useful thinking process. If there is one thing I don't doubt.. it's the benefit of doubt.

Christmas

Some of you may not like what I am about to write here. But it is the truth, and as such, it needs to be told. I hate Christmas. Why? Well.. many reasons. I'm not religious, I think the whole spirit of Christmas is as fake as can be, I'm allergic to prickly trees, and I dislike dumb people in large quantities. But most of all I hate it because this is the time of the year when people gather because it's so.. cozy. What exactly is so cozy about getting together with people you avoid the rest of the year is beyond me, but still, it is what we are supposed to do. The forced happiness, the silly songs, the "awww c'mon, it's Christmas!" being used as a valid reason for anything and everything. The stores, packed to the rafters with stuff we don't need and can't really afford but buy anyhow. People groceries shopping and buying enough to feed an average family for weeks, afraid they may forget to buy that one item that makes Christmas special. And since on Christmas itself the stores will be closed for 2 whole days, one never knows what one might need. Best to be prepared.

And as a parent, you can't get away from it. We don't really celebrate Christmas around this house, but the school makes very sure our kids are brainwashed into believing they need to celebrate it. For weeks they have been learning Christmas songs at school, often to melodies that seem completely random and are impossible to sing. They have made Christmas decorations and brought them home, and I've kind of forgotten to place those in the house and luckily, so have the kids. But, there's more! This is Christmas, and so we need.. festivities! And thus I'm forced to sit in a packed school gym amidst other parents to watch the kids perform a Christmas musical. The good old bible story about Joseph and Mary. A 10 year old girl with a pillow stuffed under her dress playing the virgin Mary. It was actually quite hilarious when she told Joseph; "great news! I am going to have a baby!" and Joseph, clearly not destined to become a great actor, responding "Oh.. great". Mind you, I actually think "oh.. great" is a mild response given the fact the original Joseph had never had sex with his Mary, I bet most men would respond quite differently. But anyhow, I sat through the whole thing, praised my son for lighting his candle (the only role he had in the entire musical) exactly in time, and being glad it was over.
Tonight, we're expected to come to school once more, this time because they are having a "Christmas market". Tons of fun! Hot snacks, prepared on barbeques in the school yard. The smell alone is enough to make you lose your appetite but.. ohyes, lovely, I'll have one of.. well.. that. More Christmas decorations the kids made, only this time we can buy them. (Yeah right, like I would want to pay for.. sigh.. alright, I'll have the purple glittery star please, just what I always wanted).Great gifts like Santa hats with woolen braids attached to them, reindeer antlers with lights, candles hand decorated with.. well.. I honestly have no idea what it's supposed to be. Loud, as in LOUD! Christmas songs played on the school's ancient stereo system and speakers. Ho, ho, ho. And there is no escape, because we're packed together like sheep ready to get slaughtered, all of us parents and our children, pushing through the crowd desperately trying to keep smiling, and trying to motivate ourselves by continuously repeating the "oooh, isn't this wonderful?" mantra to ourselves and anyone we see.

We'll need to stay there for at least an hour else the kids will be very disappointed, because the school has made very sure they're looking forward to this event as if it's as good as Disneyland. (Not that i think Disneyland is that good, but that's an entirely different story). Once back home, I will most likely collapse at my desk and try to deal with the built up stress. So far, I have managed to do so without any additional therapy or professional help, but it is getting tougher each year.

Focus Kitten, focus. Think of the one word that always pulls you through. Say it, over and over again. Ohyes, yess! I take a deep breath and then I say it, out loud:

January

Almost there. All I need to do is hang in there, and January will be. Christmas and everything it stands for survived once more and banished to the dark shelves in the basement where the boxes with the decorations will be. Almost a year to go and recover until the Christmas circus starts all over again.