Contemplating

The process of mourning and grief has been well examined by scientists. It goes through several stages, although not necessarily in any particular order. Sometimes we shift from one stage to another and back but we have to complete each stage before we are fully able to integrate the loss of a dear person in our life, and move on.

The initial stage is best described as denial and numbness. Although we rationally know what happened a part of us refuses to accept it. We go numb, going through the motions of everyday life without really experiencing the world around us. It feels, as if our heart has been ripped out and although we do cry a lot when the reality of our loss strikes us, we try to lock ourselves away from it, endlessly searching for things that link us to the deseased one like pictures, music, memories etc.

Then there is the anger. Once the emotions we have locked inside surface, anger (combined with sadness) is likely to be the way we express this. Over and over we ask ourselves why, why this person, why now, why does life have to be so unfair. This anger is likely to also be directed at anyone who is related to the deceased one, like other family members, the doctor that treated the deceased one, and even at ourselves. We create if.. then scenarios to try and find a way we might have kept it from happening or might have made more out of the relationship we had with him/her. We feel guilty towards the ones close to us because we obviously aren't in the best of moods nor participating much in everyday life. We reevaluate our relationship not only with the deceased one, but at the same our own relationship with life and the ones surrounding us, as well as our personal beliefs and motives.

Finally and inevitably, there will be acceptance. Life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and the ones we care for to make the very best of it. Once we realize this, we can start using the energy that up till then was used to mourn, be sad and be angry for restructuring our life. I have often said it: what does not kill us makes us stronger, and this is true, but it takes time to reroute that energy and any attempt to speed things up will only result in it to go slower.

At this moment, Ron is going through much anger and sadness. He pretty much does not want to see or talk to anyone, and the energy he radiates is so utterly present I can almost see it with my eyes. Once more, I have to deal with his pain and meanwhile keep this family going, shield him from well meant but unwanted attention from people he really does not want to see right now, spend time with the kids etc. I have to be there when he needs me and become invisible when he wants to be alone with his own thoughts. Once more, I have to be a warrior in the only way I can be one, live up to my credo that is the essence of who and what I am: to serve, to heal, to protect.

In the past, I thought of physical pain as the thing that would cause me the worst pain to deal with and submit to in this life. I was so utterly wrong.. The hardest thing, and at the same time the biggest challenge is to accept his pain, to accept I cannot make it better, and to submit to the forces of the Universe bringing all this upon us. Am I learning? You bet I am. But I am far from being perfect nor do I believe I ever will be. I do what I do, in the only way I can do it. It is who I am, and I strongly believe it is part of the reason why he and I were bound to be together. And together, we will survive.

We are Ordeal Path workers and we know one of the consequences of choosing this path is that it will never be easy. But as much as we would like to hide, or take a different path at times.. there is no other way. The strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, folded time and time again, forged again and again then tested under the most difficult circumstances with no room for minor faults. It is, what distinguishes a real katana from a gift shop souvenir sword.

To the warrior that was slain in battle: I bide you a safe journey and I know we will meet again. To the warrior that is grieving: I salute you and will remain by Your side till the end of times. We will fight, hurt, laugh, cry and love together. You are not alone. We are not alone.