But I thought...

People who know me, know I am fiercely opposed to any sort of assumptions. Around this house, we often say it to each other.. "don't THINK". Think about it (pun intended here): Almost every lame excuse starts with "but I thought...". Assumptions are the mother of all disasters. Don't believe me? Here are a few examples:

"But I thought there were no icebergs here" - Titanic
"But I never thought it would burn" - Hindenburg
"But I really thought those doors were closed" - Herald of Free Enterprise
"But I thought it was a great invention!" - Icarus

And it's not just major disasters that are caused by assumptions. It's also smaller ones, closer to home, in our life, personal and professional relationships. Why do marriages end in divorce? Because we thought the other person would change, or would not change. Why do we find ourselves looking for another job? Because we assumed it would be different, because we assumed we would get away with things, because we assumed... allsorts of things.

Contrary to popular belief not circumstances, such as work load or difficult personal situations, but ... assumptions are the primary cause of all our stress. We get stressed out because the world is not the way we assumed it to be. And instead of adjusting our image of the world according to what it proves to be in reality, we get angry, or frustrated.

Is it simple to adjust that image? Sometimes yes. In many ways, we can make the best of each moment by fully immersing ourselves in it, and by not paying attention to anything that for the moment is outside of our circle of influence. We all know how to play a videogame. When we do so, we become our character, deal with whatever our character encounters, gaining points or taking damage all based on our decisions and responses in the game, but we **don't think about anything else **. We are fully focused. And it's fun, and relaxing. Unless we make the mistake to assume, even here.. when we die in the game because we assumed we could take on an enemy that proved to be too strong for us, and we can't shrug it off and try again later, we once more create stress for ourselves. But most of us don't do that all that often, after all, it's just a game.

What we don't realize is that, once we start to master the art of seeing real life the exact same way, life becomes one heck of a lot easier. Once we learn how to deal with things when and if they happen, and not to assume they will turn out a certain way, we find the peace and the space to enjoy them fully as they are.

When I first started to learn meditation, I was told it was vital that during meditation, I did not think. "Empty your mind" as my teacher back then put it. And so I found myself sitting there, thinking constantly about that I wasn't allowed to think. Every time I did think (and basically, that was all the time) I hated myself for being such a bad student. Until I finally realized it was never going to work that way. It was Pema Chodron who taught me the real trick. Thoughts will come, even during deep meditation, and all we need to do is acknowledge them for what they are: just thoughts. Like gazing at the sea and watching ships go by.. a simple "hey, a ship" and then on with watching the water without shifting our focus to the ship.

The wonderful thing is that meditation isn't just the practise of sitting. We can be the observer in our own life, all the time. To me, that is what the Buddha mind really is. Observing, but not detached. Feeling all the joy and all the pain of whatever it is, this meat puppet we refer to as "I", walking the face of the earth is going through. Just acknowledging it for what it is without losing focus and balance. And applying the principle of not assuming, for this is the true source of compassion. Once you can stop expecting people to act a certain way towards you and just accept them as they are, a tremendous source of compassion is found. You cannot be hurt by other people's behavior if you choose to accept them as they are and not let it influence you.

Does that mean we have to become doormats and let people walk all over us? Well no. We also have a choice in deciding who we want to be a part of our life. The paradox here is that sometimes, people we don't get along with, are a major source of growth. The saying "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" has proven to be very true for me, many times thorughout my life so far.

In the end, whatever comes our way is there for a reason. And all we have to do is to stop assuming and to just experience life as it comes, here, and now.

I believe.. nothing

The question has been asked so many times. "Just what do you believe in?" It is a question I have asked myself, often enough. And the answer has changed, many times, along the way. It even changes depending on who is asking, and in what context. But ultimately, I think only one answer is 100% accurate. I believe nothing. Because to every belief I have that I always thought was rock solid, there are circumstances which I know will make me change my point of view. Take "killing is wrong", for instance. I do believe that, at the bottom of my core. I am actually a type that will go through great trouble to put a spider I find inside the house outside, rather than just killing it. And yet, if someone threatened to harm my children, or take my life.. or if killing was the merciful thing to do, to end tremendous suffering.. I know I could, and quite likely would, kill. Religion is another example. Do I believe there is a divine being ruling us all? No. Yet, I speak of the Goddess, the One I am sworn to serve, since many a lifetime, and for many a lifetime to come. Ahh.. so here's something I do believe in.. reincarnation, right? No. I can honestly say that when I die, and it turns out there is nothing beyond death, I will not be disappointed in any way. I will still know I did the best I could, during the time I had. Okay. Think. Do I believe in me? Hmm. Not beyond the point where I try to make the best of each moment, making the best choice I can, during that moment. If afterwards that choice turns out to make me less happy, I'll choose differently under similar circumstances, the next time. The Dalai Lama was right; "if you lose.. don't lose the lesson". Ah, waidaminute.. so I do believe in growth, in evolving into a better person? Truly a worthy cause to live for. But the truth is.. I don't really believe in that, either. I see it happen, but I don't take it as a given, and I'll fully accept it if it doesn't happen, for whatever reason. All I really know for sure is that I am. Not even the here and now are rock solid, because what is time anyhow, and place is a relative thing. if my body is sitting here, and I'm thinking about someone far away.. just where am "I"? Who is this "I" person anyhow? Is she my body? My mind? My soul? Am I a callcenter employee? a mother? A freelance consultant? a writer? an artist? a fantasy maybe, or a nightmare, depending on who you ask? The funny thing with this type of soul searching is that, the more you think, the less you know. Which might seem to be a scary thought, but it's not really. I think that, once you give up the concept that things need to be either this or that, and simply accept that today's vision may be tomorrows failure, or triumph, or both at the same time, you find tremendous freedom, and peace. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". But it is in this absolute uncertainty, this fluidity in thinking and expextations, as well as in truly seeing every choice, every challenge, and every waking breath as a chocolate, something to enjoy and savour.. that true happiness is found.

Man with no legs and arms - Inspiring story

Give Earth a Hand

On this Earth day, let's take a moment to remind ourselves of what really matters...

The mom manual

The Mom Manual


As a mother, I know we are often seen as the nagging, annoying type. Moms do an awful lot of whining and it makes it sometimes very hard to live with us. This is why I am offering you this manual. It's not a complete manual, just a bunch of helpful hints, kind of like a quick reference guide. At the very least, it will help you deal with some of our issues in a way that will produce less nagging, making your life a lot easier. And ours :) Enjoy!

- There are two basic steps to the process of operating a door. The first, opening it and stepping through it, you seem to have mastered to perfection. Excellent. There is however a second step: close the door behind you. Work on it, especially if the door leads to an unheated area like the hallway. Not only does it help save energy because the cold won't get into the heated room next to it. It also prevents cold drag which we hate, with a vengeance. Save the planet, start with mom's cold feet.

- Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT enjoy scavenger hunts to retrieve all the cups, glasses, cutlery and porcelain scattered throughout the house. We growl whenever we open our kitchen cabinets only to find half of the things there are missing, we growl even more if those things aren't even in the kitchen at all. If you use it, take it back to the kitchen so it can get washed and used again.

-Taking a clean glass or mug for every drink may be common practise in bars and restaurants, but it's not around the home. It is perfectly aceptable and in fact encouraged that you use the same glass for both soda's you pour yourself. On the other hand using the same mug or glass for days in a row isn't acceptable either. As a general rule of thumb, make sure it gets washed at least once a day.

- We have this wonderful item known as a hamper. It's where the dirty laundry goes. It is in fact the only place dirty laundry should go. Dropping dirty clothes where you took them off, or placing them in a pile over a chair so you can put them in the hamper at some point in the future, is not acceptable. If you want it washed, put it where it should be. If it's not there, don't be surprised if it doesn't get washed and you run out of clean undies.

- If you want pets, don't try and convince us of the fact it really won't cause us any extra work. We are mom, we know it will. Sure, during the first few weeks you will feed it, groom it and walk it if it needs that. After that, you go back to being your lazy self and it's us ending up taking care of it. Don't insult our intelligence and professional expertise by stating it is otherwise.

- Don't ever tell your friends that we do not work as long as we are within hearing distance. It angers us. We may not get paid for what we do, but fact of the matter is we are fulfilling a life long volunteer job here, with no vacation, no bonuses, no sick leave, and no chance at retiring or quitting. Yet we are required to display sufficient to expert skills in a myriad of areas. Cleaning lady, cook, procurement manager, financial wizard, tutor, walking encyclopedia, psychologist are only a few of the many positions we fill in this household.

Keep these things in mind and you may find we are actually quite easy to get along with.

Music and images

Two things I love are singing and photography. if you are brave enough to want to experience the combination.. here's a link to my uploaded videos on Youtube.

Enjoy.. hopefully

On Love and Fear

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about a concept I encountered in multiple places. The theory, that every single decision or action we take boils down to being motivated by one of two possibilities: Love, and Fear. Where obviously everything done out of Love is right, and everything based on Fear, is the wrong choice. And I have started to apply this principle to my life, my responses, and the decisions I take.

The second concept I am integrating into my life is known as the 90/10 principle. The theory here is that 10% of our life experience consists of things we have no influence on. They just happen to us. The other 90% is how we respond to those circumstances, which actually makes a huge difference in how we perceive our own life and our levels of stress, or preferably lack thereof.

Combine them, and what you get is a fairly simple rule of thumb to live by. Accept the 10% I have no influence on. And let my actions and responses be solely motivated by Love, making the rest of my life as joyful and stress free as possible. Simple, huh?

Well not quite. Apparently the Power I serve likes to toss me one curved ball after the next, taking the driller sargeant approach in training me. With our financial resources fully depleted and thousands of Euro's left to pay in last years taxes, as well as wanting to get the divorce procedure started and finalized so both of us can go our own way, finding a job is my #1 priority at the moment. I have applied to every single job offer that I even remotely fitted the criteria for, but being 45, not having worked for 8 years.. the job market isn't exactly welcoming me with open arms. Add to that that I can't work fulltime because my kids still heavily depend on my being home at least most of the time they are here and it gets even tougher. And so I was happy I was accepted for a job, working at a callcenter and solving technical issues for a satellite TV provider. It's a low level job, doesn't pay very well, and it is way below my capacities but hey, it's a job. But they did require me to study a thick syllabus then follow a 2 weeks fulltime training before I could start there. And so over the past week I studied the syllabus really well, learning all I could about Megahertzes, transponders, uplinks and azimuths.

This training started today. And I'm not in it. Because over the weekend, my daughter became very ill. When I saw her yesterday, with a high fever, white face with black circles around her eyes, and her throat hurting so badly she could barely swallow, I knew I couldn't leave her home alone all day to go to my training. She needed a doctor, and me to stay with her and take care of her. Ron is not here, he is visiting his girlfriend in Portugal and won't be back until this evening.

I really had no choice. I had to let Love and my responsibilities as a parent prevail over Fear of money problems. And all I could do was accept, call off the training and ask the company to please schedule me for next month's training since I really do want to work there, and phone the doctor first thing in the morning. And I did. With grace, and trying to keep smiling and enjoy the positive sides of it.

I really am trying my very best here. But sometimes I really wonder why the Powers that Be feel such a strong need to keep doing these things to me. I can only hope it is because They have other plans with me that will solve the problems at hand in a different way. And yes, that is a Fear based response. I never said I was perfect, just that I am trying..

The Cocoon

A very fundamental piece of writing by Chogyam Trungpa I wanted to share.



"When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us.

When we are constantly recreating our basic patterns of behavior and thought, we never have to leap into fresh air or onto fresh grass. Instead, we wrap ourselves in our own dark environment, where our only companion is the smell of our own sweat. In the cocoon, there is no dance, no walking or breathing. It is comfortable and sleepy, an intense and very familiar home.

In the cocoon, there is no idea of light at all, until we experience some longing for openness, some longing for something other than the smell of our own sweat. When we examine that comfortable darkness - look at it, smell it, feel it - we find it is claustrophobic.

So the first impulse that draws us away from the darkness of the cocoon towards the light is a longing for ventilation. As soon as we begin to sense of the possibility of fresh air, we realize that our arms and legs are being restricted. We want to stretch out and walk, dance, even jump. We realize that there is an alternative to our cocoon: we discover that we could be free from that trap. With that longing for fresh air, for a breeze of delight, we open our eyes. To our surprise, we begin to see the light, even though it may be hazy at first. The tearing of the cocoon takes place at that point.

Then, we realize that the degraded cocoon we have been hiding in is revolting, and we want to turn up the lights as far as we can. In fact, we are not turning up the lights, but we are simply opening our eyes wider. We catch a certain kind of fever.

But again and again, we should reflect back to the darkness of the cocoon. In order to inspire ourselves forward, we must look back to see the contrast with the place we came from. You see, we cannot reject the world of the cocoon - which out which we may create a new cocoon. When we see the suffering that occured in the old cocoon, that inspires us to go forward in our journey of warriorship. It is a journey that is unfolding within us."


Chogyam Trungpa
Source: Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior

My baby

All my life, I have had cats. Although I love other types of animals too, there's something about cats that I just can't describe that makes me prefer them above any other animal. I love their independance combined with cuddliness and warmth and how they have this air of total freedom and a "of course I love you, when and if I want to".

Doerak (Rascal in English) was no different. He was 6 weeks old when I got him. A friend fetched him from the farm where he had been born. She stood on my doorstep and this tiny red and white furry head curiously peeked out of her coat and then she handed him to me going "here, I know your last two cats passed away so I thought you would be the perfect new mom for this little rascal". And she was right.

At the time, my daughter was only a very small baby, and she would cry during all her waking moments, until I bought a carrier for her, much like the ones you often see in documentaries about Africa: a warm, soft, cloth wrapper going from my left shoulder to my right hip, letting the baby sleep against the mother's chest and listen to her heartbeat. It worked miracles for my girl and soon, the little red kitten decided it was his favorite sleeping spot as well and he would either join her there or lay there alone when she was in bed. Cuddled up against me, purring deeply.

2 years later my son was born. Both my children loved the, now fully grown, red and white cat, but small as they were they frequently stuck fingers in his eyes or pulled his tail, and he has always been afraid of little children since, as well as very fast in his responses if he as much as suspected someone was going to hurt him. He has bitten and scratched us numerous times, and for this reason my husband never liked him, always stating the animal was "totally unreliable and as crazy as it gets". I suppose he was, but he was also a very friendly, cuddly cat who, even as an adult, still preferred to be held like a baby, against my chest, tummy up and purring loudly. He had his own way of asking to be held that way: he would meow loudly and as soon as I crouched to pet him, stand on his hind legs, wrapping his front paws around my neck, lile a toddler asking to be lifted and carried. During those moments I would go "aww, are you my baby?" and he would purr insanely loud.

When the dog arrived some 2 years ago, Doerak had a hard time dealing. They have never liked each other, primarily because Doerak loved stealing the dog's food and the dog would get majorly upset over it. Which never really stopped Doerak, he would simply withdraw behind a cabinet or in a small corner, munching happily on a mouthful of stolen dog food while growling at the dog, not impressed at all by the dog jumping up and down and barking his head off.

He got older and older and as the years passed by, he was sick a lot, but always made miraculous recoveries. He survived pneumonia several times, always had a snotty nose which was at times less than pleasant, since his favorite sleeping spot was in my bed, on my pillow, his paws in my hair.

Over the past few weeks he quickly deteriorated. He lost weight rapidly, ending up looking very skinny, and then he stopped eating completely. Too weak to stand on his legs (but doing it anyhow) he kept coming to me for hugs and cuddles last night and this morning, then moving away again to find a quiet corner to lay in. It was, as if his body had died already, but his spirit refused to give in. And so we had to take a decision: wait until he dies, which would quite possibly mean several more days of suffering, slowly starving to death or end it, here and now. We took him to the vet, who examined him and agreed there was no hope and that euthanising him was the merciful thing to do. I held him in my arms, wrapped in a cloth, as the syringe that would put him to sleep was inserted, memories of that tiny furball in the baby carrier flashing through my mind. Petted him until after his heart had stopped after we put him on the table for the final injection. Softly talking to him and telling him it was allright, just sleep. And so he slid off, gently, to where there is no more suffering.

Goodbye Doerak. Thank you for almost 15 years of friendship, craziness, making me laugh and being a loyal, warm, purring companion always. My baby. I am so, so going to miss you.

The Dung Movie

Rich is a long term friend. We have never met in real life, but our conversations online are often so hilarious I end up laughing until it hurts. Here's just one of them, shared with permission. Just read. And to Rich: You're great.

Rich: This guy is engineering synthetic life to eat CO2 and turn it into fuel.
Kitten: hope he knows what he's doing and doesn't end up creating something that eats oxygen and turns it into cow dung
Rich: *laughing*
Kitten: admit it, that would be a great theme for a scifi horror movie
Rich: *laughs*
It has merit!
Kitten: the tension, the suspense.. will they choke first, or drown in shit?
Rich: Oh dear! No doubt in smell-o-vision.
Kitten: "Revenge of the Turds"
Rich: Eew!
Kitten: Hmm *starts writing* Not so long ago.. in a galaxy actually quite close to home.. one man.. on a mission.. the goal.. to save the planet.. the result.. too gross for words
Rich: laughing
As long as I am not in it!
Kitten: oooh, we will all be.. in it.. up to our necks, and worse..
Rich: Hm, not into that!
Kitten: it's all your fault, you triggered my insanely sadistic mind
Rich: I'm innocent.
Kitten: Hmm.. maybe you are.. you could be the hero trying to save us all by flying into space with a huge bomb and blowing something up....no wait, wrong movie
Rich: *laughs* You're not making a movie about dung.
Kitten: why not? it hasn't been dung before and I think humanity is ready for it. I mean, they've been watching shitty movies for decades, it's time we take this to the next level.
Rich: *laughs* That's qualitative dung rather than content!
Kitten: Why yes, of course. But doesn't it prove there is an actual, and huge, need for it?
Rich: No-absence could imply no demand!
Kitten: *sighs* Look. It's much like people watching documentaries about nudism only because they can't afford the porn channel. Watching shitty movies is simply a case of settling for less, because the real thing is not available.
Rich: But other videos are a commodity and are available at low prices?
Kitten: And if that doesn't convince you, just watch the news. Shit, multiple times a day, all over the planet.
It's even in our language.. how often do we say: shit happens?
Rich: I don't really watch the news-I read it on web sites now. The television news is rather stupid.
Kitten: You even admit it yourself, can't count the times I've heard you say: I feel like shit
Rich: *laughs*
Oh hush!
*spanks a bit*
Kitten: You're just jealous I thought of this brilliant plan first
Rich: Not really-I am perverted and like touching your ass.
Kitten: See? Ass. Even subconsciously, you are expressing a preference for the body part that produces.. exactly!
Rich: I don't want to BEEP your ass, just grope it.
Kitten: You're in denial
Rich: Isn't that a river in Africa?
Kitten: No. That's The Nile. Although those bathing in it are indeed in denial. It's very polluted with.. guess what.
Rich: Arabs?
Kitten: Well that too.
*laughing*
*bites your nose* well.. stay in The Nile if you want to. I'm phoning some movie making friends about my idea.
Hmm.. better make movie making friends, first

Gall bladder surgery

Two days ago, my gall bladder was removed. It had been causing me almost constant belly aches for some 2 months, and occasional terrible cramp attacks due to being full of gall stones, and so surgery was the only option.

I had to come to the hospital at 7:30 am. Ron dropped me off, I went to the department, reported in and was rounded up with several other people in a room. There was a bit of confusion, apparently several people named "Smits", "Smit" or "Smid" were scheduled for surgery that day and the nurses were having a hard time keeping track of who was who. By 7:40 am I suddenly got told I was scheduled to be at the OR at 7:45 and so I had to change into a lovely blue hospital shirt very quickly, then was rushed there. When we arrived there was people holding clipboards and looking on computer screens all over the place, a whole row of beds with people in it ready to have surgery, and no space for me. The new computer system for the OR planning wasn't working too well, and so it wasn't really my turn yet, and I was brought back to the room I was previously in.

After waiting for another hour it finally was my turn, and so they took me to the OR for the second time that day. This time by volunteer workers from the "patient transportation" department. I told the man pushing my bed this was my second time to the OR today because something went wrong with the planning the first time. He jokingly responded "ah well, that's because the nurses brought you. Just leave it to us from patient transportation, we always make sure no one returns". I'm sure he meant well but at the time, I didn't think it was funny.

This time, I was accepted, the IV needle put in place and within a few minutes, I was under full anaesthesia. The first thing I remember after that is being in the recovery room at noon. I didn't have a lot of pain and apart from a bit dizzy and disoriented I felt quite good, so soon after I was back at the "short stay" department. I called home to let them know I was allright, logged into Yahoo for a moment to let a few other people know I was fine, and dozed off again, spending most of the afternoon dozing off and waking up again. The pain worsened, and I felt dizzier and by the end of the afternoon I got really sick. The nurse gave me two tablets of paracetamol and 5 minutes after taking them, I had to vomit and they came straight out again. Ron and the kids came to visit while I was still feeling terribly, so sick and in so much pain.. they left fairly soon and after they left I kept being sick multiple times, the vomitting worsening the pain from the wounds in my belly, driving it up to level "unbearable". The surgeon came to check on me and said she'd prescribe something against the sickness. For some reason, it took 2 hours for this medication to finally be administered, and so I spent another 2 hours hurting like hell and vomiting myself inside out.

Finally the vomitting stopped but by then the biggest one of my wounds had started to bleed again and using the button to call a nurse remained without a response for 5 minutes. And so I stumbled into the nurse's post, both hands pressed to my chest, blood dripping from my fingers, mumbling "ehm.. something's going wrong here". Later on I laughed about it, I probably looked like someone from a gangster movie at that point. "It was Tony's men.. they got me" or something similar. The nurse bandaged it up and the bleeding stopped, and so I went back to bed.

I asked the nurse to please give me something against the pain but she remained unmovable: I wasn't scheduled for more pain medication until 11 pm. Trying to explain the previous tablets had come straight out as I was being sick had no effect. By 11 I finally got 2 more tablets of paracetamol (effectively my first pain medication after the surgery) but by then I was in so much pain they didn't do much. I tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up sitting up against the pillows, half dozing off occasionally.

By 3 am the night nurse found me half crying and decided to give me a morphine shot. And as painful as the shot itself was.. I swear I was grinning like a total junkie when the godsent liquid entered my bloodstream and the pain lessened, finally.

The next day I was feeling a lot better. Still in a lot of pain but at least it was bearable. Not sick anymore, I even ate some bread for breakfast. The surgeon came to see me again and decided I was to go home.

That was yesterday and I spent it alternating between sleeping and sitting up for a bit. I went to bed early and slept fairly well and today, I am without pain as long as I sit still and breathe slowly. Still a bit drowsy and very weak, but all in all feeling a lot better.

Most of all, I'm just glad it's over. Now, it's just a matter of resting a lot and nursing myself back to full health.

The King is dead

The first thing to pop on my screen this morning when I switched my computer on was an offline Yahoo message from a friend, written at 1 AM last night. "Michael Jackson just died. Cardiac Arrest." I grinned, still half asleep, wondering about the punchline to the joke, and then it hit me.

Michael Jackson has really died. The King of Pop is gone. And I cannot help but feel tremendously sad. Throughout my life, I have been a big fan of his music. As an early teenager, I loved songs like "Ben" or "Can you feel it". I had just left home and gone into the big world on my own when his megasalling albums "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" came out. It was his music blasting from the speakers, that drew me and the friend I used to go out with at the time, to what would become our favorite little discotheque in Amsterdam. I'll even admit to having practised then mastered the moonwalk, as well as various other dance moves he made famous. "HiStory" was not as big a hit as his previous albums, yet I loved the depth and the emotion in the songs on it. Moving from easy, danceable, plastic pop Michael Jackson showed he had a heart and soul, and that at times they were bleeding because of all the injustice and pain, both in his personal life and in the world as a whole. His "Earth Song" can make me cry still today. And yes I know it's overcommercialised, but take that away and it's still an incredible song. As is most of his material.

And yet, in spite of all the fame and the millions he made, his life as a whole was one big tragedy. I think we all know the story so I'm not going to repeat it here. Comparisons with Peter Pan come to mind, as well as Heinlein's "Stranger in a strange land". When I think of him, I see an extremely gifted artist, completely lost in a world he didn't understand, and that never really understood him, in return. Wacko Jacko.

And so, the song ringing in my head at the moment, is not by him. It's an old Don McLean song named "Vincent", and it's about Vincent van Gogh, the famous Dutch painter who just like Michael Jackson was a complete misfit.

Part of the lyrics go like this:

"For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you."

Rest in peace, Michael. You have finally found Neverland, beyond the second star on the right. To me, you will always be beautiful. Thank you, for everything.

Who's that girl?

More songwriting.. spilling a bit of my soul here.


**

Who's that girl?

Well I wonder who that girl is
she is sitting in my chair
and she wears my clothes, she has my face
she has even got my hair

But her eyes are close to crying
and her mouth has lost its grin
and as far as I can tell from here
she is close to caving in

And she's asking all her closest friends
what she may be doing wrong
'cause she used to always laugh and sing
she was always tough and strong
and she used to dodge or take the blows
and she could take on the world
so I really wonder who she is
tell me please.. who is that girl?

Yeah I wonder who that girl is
she is speaking in my voice
but it's far too soft, and trembling
like she doesn't have a choice

And I wish that I could help her
but I don't know who she is
She's a stranger yet familiar
she's the part of me I miss

And I'm asking all my closest friends
what I may be doing wrong
'cause I used to always laugh and sing
I was always tough and strong
Now the bleeding heart has surfaced
and it doesn't have a name
But if she is me, then I am her
and a fighter all the same

Special girls

Last Saturday, my daughter celebrated her 14th birthday with a slumberparty, inviting 3 of her closests friends to spend the evening and the night at our house. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to it. All three of them are 'special" kids with psychological and behavioral issues, and I wasn't really sure I could even do this. Especially since in the week prior to the party I had collapsed pretty badly myself, a lot of my undealt with hurt from the past surfacing, leaving me in tears and wondering how on earth I was supposed to go on. When that happened, I pondered my options. Seeing a therapist wasn't my number one choice, given it is pretty hard to find a good one. And so I decided to work through this all by myself. In Pema Chodrun's "Noble Heart" training, which I have here as an audio course, I found exactly what I was looking for. How to turn our mind from anger and hurt towards a completely open mind/heart, filled with love and compassion. All this wasn't new to me, as I have been studying Buddhism in general and Pema Chodrun in particular for quite some time now. But it is funny how, even when we know what to do and how to do it, we forget so easily, caught up as we are in the problems of everyday life and our ego driven sense of self that feels this strong need to defend itself against what we perceive as suffering, the unfairness and harshness of life itself. And so, still barely back on my feet emotionally myself, the day came and the girls arrived.

My husband and son left for dinner and a movie in Amsterdam, partly so they didn't have to be a part of all the girlie stuff going on, and partly because for the girls it would be much nicer to make this an "all females event", as well. And the last thing I had expected happened: I had a blast. All of the girls were absolutely wonderful and a delight to have around. Sure, they have their issues, all sorts of them, but they are also, maybe even because they are "special", very real, very open and from the heart. Without any effort they dragged me into their world, which evolves around the boys at school, puberty and the insecurities that come with it, and silly giggling about absolutely nothing. We sang karaoke with the Playstation and one of the girls turned out to be a true little songbird with a very pure voice. The rest was actually horrible to listen to, but they sang with so much joy it didn't even really matter. We went out to have dinner at a local cafetaria and I sat there listening to their stories, grinning big and not caring at all about the fact they were actually being really loud, at times screaming their heads off laughing or teasign one of the girls who had gotten a smile and a wink from a hunk who was sat at the next table and couldn't stop blushing about it. Walking back home we hooked our arms into each others and so all five of us formed a row, and I was amazed at how easily they accepted me in. Later on back home there was storytelling, Twister and watching a movie on DVD. Then finally it was bedtime, more giggling and laughing and talking until it was really late and I had to take on my adult role for the first time, telling them they really had to go to sleep now.

The next day, I made them all a big breakfast, and soon after they all got picked up by their parents. I was truly sorry to see them leave and found myself telling them that, if ever they wanted to come over again, they would always be more than welcome.

I'm still amazed by what a big difference a change in thinking can make. I could have easily chosen to get totally frustrated and stressed out by their loudness, their sometimes strange behavior and all sorts of things. But simply shifting my focus towards seeing the good things, sharing in their life, joy and sadnesses made this a great and very energizing experience. These kids really are special. But not in the way society uses special as a synonym for handicapped. There is a purity, a joy and a heart in them, and often all sorts of talents that are easily overlooked because of the stigma they carry with them. I can't count the times people have told me "ohmy, so you have an autistic daughter. That must be so hard." No one ever goes "that must be a fantastic challenge, I envy you". And yet, this is true as much as that it is sometimes hard to deal with. And I wish I knew of a way to make people see that, and to embrace these kids instead of writing them off as "special", secretly meaning: losers. They are anything but.

Another fun test

I love some of the tests on the Internet. This one was fun to take, and I do recognize myself in the results.

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

You are perhaps the most popular result on OKCupid, but don’t worry, you are anything but common. I’m guessing you are quite flirtatious, but you are hardly reliant on men. You like to do things the mainstream would consider strange, (like dress in costume, perhaps?), but this gives you an irresistible allure. Eat, drink, and be merry, but make sure whoever you date respects you and does not take advantage of your laid-back attitude. (BTW, you are likely the only type who can see That Creepy Guy (NLBM) for who he is, helping him to bring out the Manga Geek (QLBM) inside. This does not mean you have to date one, however. You are quite flexible and can enjoy the company of many of the types.)

You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL.

You are more LIBERAL than TRADITIONAL.

You are more DOMINANT than PASSIVE.

When picking a date, consider: The Lord of the Misfits (QLAM), The Fratt Boy (NLAM), The Snowball's Chance in Hell (QTBM), The Manga Geek (QLBM), or That Creepy Guy (NLBM).

(Image from http://www.buycostumes.com/Lock-Lace-Bodice-Navy-Renaissance-Collection-Adult/27296/ProductDetail.aspx)

Take The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?) at HelloQuizzy

More Playing for Change

Because I believe in the power of this project.. because if there's anything this planet needs, it's peace.. because there are quite a few awesome musicians in it.. I want to share this.

Greenpeace needs your help

When you've finished watching the video I am also hoping that you'll be inspired and help us to share its message of action on behalf of our environment by taking some online action yourself ... and helping us recruit 3 million people to become climate activists. Yes, you read it correctly. 3 million. It's a big number because the Earth needs big action this year.

Here's what you can do:

First: Enjoy the video. Click on the YouTube logo at the end to rate it and leave a comment!

Second: Share it with your friends and family

Third: Take action for the climate this Earth Day by signing our online petition: ask our world leaders to take personal responsibility for the future of the climate and attend the UN Climate summit at the end of the year. But not just attend, they need to ensure a good deal for the climate.

Here's to a future that's green and peaceful. Together we can make it happen.

Vanilla

He smiles at me. Bright white teeth, bronze tanned face and those incredibly beautiful deep brown eyes. He is a looker, and he knows it. And I know exactly what he wants me to do. I smile, a bit shy, wondering if I should accept the invitation that is written all over his face. I was raised to believe it is a bad thing. It serves no purpose other than to indulge in its pure pleasure. I know this is true and yet, I find myself wanting to, needing to, a craving that is incredibly hard to resist. Half closing my eyes my mind floats away, daydreaming.

In my imagination I gently close my hand around it, holding it up, the perfect angle. Slowly bringing my face closer, tongue snaking from between my lips and just the tip licking, tasting just a tiny drop that was trickling down, the heat of this very moment. I know he wants me to go further, so much further and so I slowly open my mouth, tongue further out, a long stroke down the bottom all the way to the tip, savouring. It makes me shiver, hungry for more. Closing my lips around the tip I suck slowly. I love the feel, the taste, the knowledge all of this is for me. That I can take my time, enjoying it to the max. And so I do. Alternating between sucking slowly and licking hungrily, nibbling and gently biting here and there, my head dizzy, eyes half closed. Wanting it to last, and last. But the end is near, inevitably approaching. A few final licks and then I swallow fast and hard, not wanting to spill a drop but feeling it dribble down my chin. I wipe my chin and remove a few drops from the corners of my mouth, licking my fingers clean, then sigh happily.

Roughly pulled back to reality by a car braking nearby I look up. He is still watching me, smiling widely, his face radiating a "come on.. you know you want to" and I do, Ohgod, I do want to. And so I cave in, upbringing and knowing better shoved aside, giving in to an urge stronger than anything. I nod at him and he winks, getting ready to do the very thing he and I both knew would happen all along. One last sigh, knowing I have lost the battle, then I look at my kids standing next to me in front of the cart.. "ice cream, anyone?"

Cheshire cats and buddhahood

I was reading the ads on the supermarket's message board when I saw it: "Wanted due to sudden allergy: good home for grey cat, male, neutered." and a phone number. I spoke about it to my partner at the time who wasn't really too keen on the cat we already had and so of course he didn't like the idea of a second one very much. We agreed I'd just go have a look at the cat that evening. The lady who let me in was nice and warned me Siem wasn't really a lap cat or friendly towards strangers. She then led me to a room where he was sitting in a corner in the back, straight up, watching me as I was watching him. And I swear he was grinning. I didn't approach him, but instead crouched, just sitting there, holding out my hand and softly calling him. He sat motionless for several minutes, then slowly got up, strutted towards me, climbed into my lap and curled up, purring loudly. The lady was astonished, but I knew there and then. And so I came home with Siem at the back of my bike, in his pet carrier which the lady had given me since she had no further use for it. My partner gave me an angry "ah, so you decided to take it home after all huh" and all I could say was: "I didn't take that decision. He did." Which of course didn't help, but sometimes you have to risk a fight over something you know is right.


That was thirteen years ago. Siem is still with me. Now part of a pack of 6 cats, a dog and 2 rats around the house. He has never stopped grinning. Wether he is sound asleep somewhere near a heater, or sitting at his favorite spot halfway the stairs, overseeing the world from his elevated position, or watching the rest of the cats battle over the food bowls while he quietly awaits his time, when they've all gobbled down as much as they can eat and there's still plenty left for him to eat slowly and undisturbed, enjoying every bite. He is the largest of them all but he will only fight if he feels it's necessary, and then he can take on the biggest, meanest tomcats in the neighborhood and make them run for it, bleeding and humiliated. But right afterwards he'll go back to his quiet, grinning self as if nothing has happened. He still doesn't like strangers and will usually simply disappear if there's someone visiting. But once they've left, he's back again, sitting there with that big grin, as if he was saying "yeah, I'm here, missed me?". He is also still not much of a lap cat. Generally, humans make too much noise and move too much, they simply don't make suitable surfaces to lay down on and ponder the meaning of life undisturbed. But when one of us is feeling bad, sick or crying, he will make one of his magical appearances, curl up in our lap, and stay there until we feel better. I can't count the tears I have shed on his furs when I went through my, pretty rough, divorce with the kids' dad. But no matter how much I soaked him, he stayed there, purring, and grinning at me. And as crazy as it may sound.. that helped, a lot.
If I didn't know any better, I would say Lewis Carroll based the Cheshire cat from "Alice in Wonderland" on Siem.



In many ways, I envy him. For his balance, his omnipresent grin, his ability to pick his battles and not worry about the rest. Of course he has an easy life and really nothing to worry about. He doesn't have to work or clean, has never heard of financial problems or the stress that comes with raising kids, there's always food and water and a warm spot to sleep in, as well as ample cuddles from all of us whenever he feels the need to get them. Still, I wonder if it's true that it takes intelligence to reach enlightenment. His IQ probably is only a fraction of mine and yet, there he is, facing life, joy and defeat with the same laid back and accepting attitude, warm and compassionate towards those who deserve it, ruthless against those who don't but never cruel beyond what is needed to show them their place. He doesn't have an attitude nor insecurities, he doesn't whine or worry, nor is he ever grumpy, sad or insecure. He takes life one step at a time, dealing only with the present situation as best as he can. His intentions are always clear, there is no hidden agenda. And above all, no matter what.. he keeps grinning. Honestly, I wish I could be like him. With all the studying and soul searching I have done.. I am still far from that level. If he wouldn't have had a name already when I got him, I'm sure I would have called him Buddha. Buddha, the Cheshire cat. And I'm still so glad he picked me.

Stop whining, start fighting for it

Let's face it.. we are suffering from a global depression. And no, I don't just mean the financial crisis that is hitting hard everywhere. All around me, I can hear people complaining about virtually anything. Global warming, the arctic ice melting, terrible weather lately, religious differences, political issues.. and the list goes on and on and on. Usually, the response to someone mentioning these things is something along the line of "I know.. it's terrible". And that's it. We acknowledge the facts, and go back to sleep.

But what are we going to do about it? Ask this question and you'll get a "Who me? well nothing, what can I do?" For starters, you can stop complaining. It doesn't help, and it only enhances the facts. By mentioning these things over and over again, we only strengthen the negative energy that has us caged, making us feel helpless and on the verge of disaster. Once you have freed up the energy you have so far used to complain and feel miserable, you can start doing something useful with it. Try opening up your mind for a change. Realize there's an awful lot you can do. And it all starts with a positive attitude. Once you manage to do that, you will radiate positive energy and become an inspiration to others around you. Look at the word: inspiration. Put the spirit back in people.. awaken their soul, their core being.

And no, I don't mean religion. Although religion can be a great source of inspiration for people it has also brought us lots of misery. Because most religious people tend to both derive inspiration from their own religion but also: condemn those who believe otherwise, which is a big source of negative energy. Having a truly open mind means: Sure I believe in God/Allah/Jahweh/Oogabullah... not because I am a part of your religion, but because I see them as very useful sources of positive energy for those who believe in them. And whatever works for people, gives them hope, inspires them.. exists because of that very fact alone. How could I possibly tell anyone something they derive so much positive energy from, does not exist?

It is time for us to stop focusing on our problems and differences and start fighting for what is truly important. Bring back inspiration, bring back hope, stop being a part of the problem, be a part of the solution! Each and every one of us can bring a little bit of light to this world. By ourselves, we may be nothing but a tiny candle. But pictures millions of candles being lit all over the planet.. and behold, we have a glow that can be seen from the moon.

Next time you're about to whine, respond to someone in a negative way, put someone down because they don't meet your expectations.. think twice and say something positive or nice, instead. Whenever you feel the planet is going to bits: look at all the beautiful things that are out there, like in the video I linked here. I can go on, but I think you get the general idea. I just wanted to share this, because I think it's important but also to remind myself. Have a wonderful weekend!