Kitten's Ramblings

But I thought...

2010-08-03T13:06:00.002+02:00

People who know me, know I am fiercely opposed to any sort of assumptions. Around this house, we often say it to each other.. "don't THINK". Think about it (pun intended here): Almost every lame excuse starts with "but I thought...". Assumptions are the mother of all disasters. Don't believe me? Here are a few examples:

"But I thought there were no icebergs here" - Titanic
"But I never thought it would burn" - Hindenburg
"But I really thought those doors were closed" - Herald of Free Enterprise
"But I thought it was a great invention!" - Icarus

And it's not just major disasters that are caused by assumptions. It's also smaller ones, closer to home, in our life, personal and professional relationships. Why do marriages end in divorce? Because we thought the other person would change, or would not change. Why do we find ourselves looking for another job? Because we assumed it would be different, because we assumed we would get away with things, because we assumed... allsorts of things.

Contrary to popular belief not circumstances, such as work load or difficult personal situations, but ... assumptions are the primary cause of all our stress. We get stressed out because the world is not the way we assumed it to be. And instead of adjusting our image of the world according to what it proves to be in reality, we get angry, or frustrated.

Is it simple to adjust that image? Sometimes yes. In many ways, we can make the best of each moment by fully immersing ourselves in it, and by not paying attention to anything that for the moment is outside of our circle of influence. We all know how to play a videogame. When we do so, we become our character, deal with whatever our character encounters, gaining points or taking damage all based on our decisions and responses in the game, but we **don't think about anything else **. We are fully focused. And it's fun, and relaxing. Unless we make the mistake to assume, even here.. when we die in the game because we assumed we could take on an enemy that proved to be too strong for us, and we can't shrug it off and try again later, we once more create stress for ourselves. But most of us don't do that all that often, after all, it's just a game.

What we don't realize is that, once we start to master the art of seeing real life the exact same way, life becomes one heck of a lot easier. Once we learn how to deal with things when and if they happen, and not to assume they will turn out a certain way, we find the peace and the space to enjoy them fully as they are.

When I first started to learn meditation, I was told it was vital that during meditation, I did not think. "Empty your mind" as my teacher back then put it. And so I found myself sitting there, thinking constantly about that I wasn't allowed to think. Every time I did think (and basically, that was all the time) I hated myself for being such a bad student. Until I finally realized it was never going to work that way. It was Pema Chodron who taught me the real trick. Thoughts will come, even during deep meditation, and all we need to do is acknowledge them for what they are: just thoughts. Like gazing at the sea and watching ships go by.. a simple "hey, a ship" and then on with watching the water without shifting our focus to the ship.

The wonderful thing is that meditation isn't just the practise of sitting. We can be the observer in our own life, all the time. To me, that is what the Buddha mind really is. Observing, but not detached. Feeling all the joy and all the pain of whatever it is, this meat puppet we refer to as "I", walking the face of the earth is going through. Just acknowledging it for what it is without losing focus and balance. And applying the principle of not assuming, for this is the true source of compassion. Once you can stop expecting people to act a certain way towards you and just accept them as they are, a tremendous source of compassion is found. You cannot be hurt by other people's behavior if you choose to accept them as they are and not let it influence you.

Does that mean we have to become doormats and let people walk all over us? Well no. We also have a choice in deciding who we want to be a part of our life. The paradox here is that sometimes, people we don't get along with, are a major source of growth. The saying "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" has proven to be very true for me, many times thorughout my life so far.

In the end, whatever comes our way is there for a reason. And all we have to do is to stop assuming and to just experience life as it comes, here, and now.

I believe.. nothing

2010-06-08T00:14:00.001+02:00

The question has been asked so many times. "Just what do you believe in?" It is a question I have asked myself, often enough. And the answer has changed, many times, along the way. It even changes depending on who is asking, and in what context. But ultimately, I think only one answer is 100% accurate. I believe nothing. Because to every belief I have that I always thought was rock solid, there are circumstances which I know will make me change my point of view. Take "killing is wrong", for instance. I do believe that, at the bottom of my core. I am actually a type that will go through great trouble to put a spider I find inside the house outside, rather than just killing it. And yet, if someone threatened to harm my children, or take my life.. or if killing was the merciful thing to do, to end tremendous suffering.. I know I could, and quite likely would, kill. Religion is another example. Do I believe there is a divine being ruling us all? No. Yet, I speak of the Goddess, the One I am sworn to serve, since many a lifetime, and for many a lifetime to come. Ahh.. so here's something I do believe in.. reincarnation, right? No. I can honestly say that when I die, and it turns out there is nothing beyond death, I will not be disappointed in any way. I will still know I did the best I could, during the time I had. Okay. Think. Do I believe in me? Hmm. Not beyond the point where I try to make the best of each moment, making the best choice I can, during that moment. If afterwards that choice turns out to make me less happy, I'll choose differently under similar circumstances, the next time. The Dalai Lama was right; "if you lose.. don't lose the lesson". Ah, waidaminute.. so I do believe in growth, in evolving into a better person? Truly a worthy cause to live for. But the truth is.. I don't really believe in that, either. I see it happen, but I don't take it as a given, and I'll fully accept it if it doesn't happen, for whatever reason. All I really know for sure is that I am. Not even the here and now are rock solid, because what is time anyhow, and place is a relative thing. if my body is sitting here, and I'm thinking about someone far away.. just where am "I"? Who is this "I" person anyhow? Is she my body? My mind? My soul? Am I a callcenter employee? a mother? A freelance consultant? a writer? an artist? a fantasy maybe, or a nightmare, depending on who you ask? The funny thing with this type of soul searching is that, the more you think, the less you know. Which might seem to be a scary thought, but it's not really. I think that, once you give up the concept that things need to be either this or that, and simply accept that today's vision may be tomorrows failure, or triumph, or both at the same time, you find tremendous freedom, and peace. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". But it is in this absolute uncertainty, this fluidity in thinking and expextations, as well as in truly seeing every choice, every challenge, and every waking breath as a chocolate, something to enjoy and savour.. that true happiness is found.

Man with no legs and arms - Inspiring story

2010-06-05T22:22:00.000+02:00

Give Earth a Hand

2010-04-22T08:05:00.003+02:00

On this Earth day, let's take a moment to remind ourselves of what really matters...

The mom manual

2010-03-17T13:24:00.000+01:00

The Mom Manual

As a mother, I know we are often seen as the nagging, annoying type. Moms do an awful lot of whining and it makes it sometimes very hard to live with us. This is why I am offering you this manual. It's not a complete manual, just a bunch of helpful hints, kind of like a quick reference guide. At the very least, it will help you deal with some of our issues in a way that will produce less nagging, making your life a lot easier. And ours :) Enjoy!

- There are two basic steps to the process of operating a door. The first, opening it and stepping through it, you seem to have mastered to perfection. Excellent. There is however a second step: close the door behind you. Work on it, especially if the door leads to an unheated area like the hallway. Not only does it help save energy because the cold won't get into the heated room next to it. It also prevents cold drag which we hate, with a vengeance. Save the planet, start with mom's cold feet.

- Contrary to popular belief, we do NOT enjoy scavenger hunts to retrieve all the cups, glasses, cutlery and porcelain scattered throughout the house. We growl whenever we open our kitchen cabinets only to find half of the things there are missing, we growl even more if those things aren't even in the kitchen at all. If you use it, take it back to the kitchen so it can get washed and used again.

-Taking a clean glass or mug for every drink may be common practise in bars and restaurants, but it's not around the home. It is perfectly aceptable and in fact encouraged that you use the same glass for both soda's you pour yourself. On the other hand using the same mug or glass for days in a row isn't acceptable either. As a general rule of thumb, make sure it gets washed at least once a day.

- We have this wonderful item known as a hamper. It's where the dirty laundry goes. It is in fact the only place dirty laundry should go. Dropping dirty clothes where you took them off, or placing them in a pile over a chair so you can put them in the hamper at some point in the future, is not acceptable. If you want it washed, put it where it should be. If it's not there, don't be surprised if it doesn't get washed and you run out of clean undies.

- If you want pets, don't try and convince us of the fact it really won't cause us any extra work. We are mom, we know it will. Sure, during the first few weeks you will feed it, groom it and walk it if it needs that. After that, you go back to being your lazy self and it's us ending up taking care of it. Don't insult our intelligence and professional expertise by stating it is otherwise.

- Don't ever tell your friends that we do not work as long as we are within hearing distance. It angers us. We may not get paid for what we do, but fact of the matter is we are fulfilling a life long volunteer job here, with no vacation, no bonuses, no sick leave, and no chance at retiring or quitting. Yet we are required to display sufficient to expert skills in a myriad of areas. Cleaning lady, cook, procurement manager, financial wizard, tutor, walking encyclopedia, psychologist are only a few of the many positions we fill in this household.

Keep these things in mind and you may find we are actually quite easy to get along with.

Music and images

2010-03-17T13:20:00.002+01:00

Two things I love are singing and photography. if you are brave enough to want to experience the combination.. here's a link to my uploaded videos on Youtube.

Enjoy.. hopefully

On Love and Fear

2010-03-01T11:36:00.003+01:00

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about a concept I encountered in multiple places. The theory, that every single decision or action we take boils down to being motivated by one of two possibilities: Love, and Fear. Where obviously everything done out of Love is right, and everything based on Fear, is the wrong choice. And I have started to apply this principle to my life, my responses, and the decisions I take.

The second concept I am integrating into my life is known as the 90/10 principle. The theory here is that 10% of our life experience consists of things we have no influence on. They just happen to us. The other 90% is how we respond to those circumstances, which actually makes a huge difference in how we perceive our own life and our levels of stress, or preferably lack thereof.

Combine them, and what you get is a fairly simple rule of thumb to live by. Accept the 10% I have no influence on. And let my actions and responses be solely motivated by Love, making the rest of my life as joyful and stress free as possible. Simple, huh?

Well not quite. Apparently the Power I serve likes to toss me one curved ball after the next, taking the driller sargeant approach in training me. With our financial resources fully depleted and thousands of Euro's left to pay in last years taxes, as well as wanting to get the divorce procedure started and finalized so both of us can go our own way, finding a job is my #1 priority at the moment. I have applied to every single job offer that I even remotely fitted the criteria for, but being 45, not having worked for 8 years.. the job market isn't exactly welcoming me with open arms. Add to that that I can't work fulltime because my kids still heavily depend on my being home at least most of the time they are here and it gets even tougher. And so I was happy I was accepted for a job, working at a callcenter and solving technical issues for a satellite TV provider. It's a low level job, doesn't pay very well, and it is way below my capacities but hey, it's a job. But they did require me to study a thick syllabus then follow a 2 weeks fulltime training before I could start there. And so over the past week I studied the syllabus really well, learning all I could about Megahertzes, transponders, uplinks and azimuths.

This training started today. And I'm not in it. Because over the weekend, my daughter became very ill. When I saw her yesterday, with a high fever, white face with black circles around her eyes, and her throat hurting so badly she could barely swallow, I knew I couldn't leave her home alone all day to go to my training. She needed a doctor, and me to stay with her and take care of her. Ron is not here, he is visiting his girlfriend in Portugal and won't be back until this evening.

I really had no choice. I had to let Love and my responsibilities as a parent prevail over Fear of money problems. And all I could do was accept, call off the training and ask the company to please schedule me for next month's training since I really do want to work there, and phone the doctor first thing in the morning. And I did. With grace, and trying to keep smiling and enjoy the positive sides of it.

I really am trying my very best here. But sometimes I really wonder why the Powers that Be feel such a strong need to keep doing these things to me. I can only hope it is because They have other plans with me that will solve the problems at hand in a different way. And yes, that is a Fear based response. I never said I was perfect, just that I am trying..

The Cocoon

2010-02-18T08:42:00.002+01:00

A very fundamental piece of writing by Chogyam Trungpa I wanted to share.

"When we hide from the world in this way, we feel secure. We may think we have quieted our fear, but we are actually making ourselves numb with fear. We surround ourselves with our own familiar thoughts, so that nothing sharp or painful can touch us.

When we are constantly recreating our basic patterns of behavior and thought, we never have to leap into fresh air or onto fresh grass. Instead, we wrap ourselves in our own dark environment, where our only companion is the smell of our own sweat. In the cocoon, there is no dance, no walking or breathing. It is comfortable and sleepy, an intense and very familiar home.

In the cocoon, there is no idea of light at all, until we experience some longing for openness, some longing for something other than the smell of our own sweat. When we examine that comfortable darkness - look at it, smell it, feel it - we find it is claustrophobic.

So the first impulse that draws us away from the darkness of the cocoon towards the light is a longing for ventilation. As soon as we begin to sense of the possibility of fresh air, we realize that our arms and legs are being restricted. We want to stretch out and walk, dance, even jump. We realize that there is an alternative to our cocoon: we discover that we could be free from that trap. With that longing for fresh air, for a breeze of delight, we open our eyes. To our surprise, we begin to see the light, even though it may be hazy at first. The tearing of the cocoon takes place at that point.

Then, we realize that the degraded cocoon we have been hiding in is revolting, and we want to turn up the lights as far as we can. In fact, we are not turning up the lights, but we are simply opening our eyes wider. We catch a certain kind of fever.

But again and again, we should reflect back to the darkness of the cocoon. In order to inspire ourselves forward, we must look back to see the contrast with the place we came from. You see, we cannot reject the world of the cocoon - which out which we may create a new cocoon. When we see the suffering that occured in the old cocoon, that inspires us to go forward in our journey of warriorship. It is a journey that is unfolding within us."

Chogyam Trungpa
Source: Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior

My baby

2010-01-22T13:23:00.003+01:00

All my life, I have had cats. Although I love other types of animals too, there's something about cats that I just can't describe that makes me prefer them above any other animal. I love their independance combined with cuddliness and warmth and how they have this air of total freedom and a "of course I love you, when and if I want to".

Doerak (Rascal in English) was no different. He was 6 weeks old when I got him. A friend fetched him from the farm where he had been born. She stood on my doorstep and this tiny red and white furry head curiously peeked out of her coat and then she handed him to me going "here, I know your last two cats passed away so I thought you would be the perfect new mom for this little rascal". And she was right.

At the time, my daughter was only a very small baby, and she would cry during all her waking moments, until I bought a carrier for her, much like the ones you often see in documentaries about Africa: a warm, soft, cloth wrapper going from my left shoulder to my right hip, letting the baby sleep against the mother's chest and listen to her heartbeat. It worked miracles for my girl and soon, the little red kitten decided it was his favorite sleeping spot as well and he would either join her there or lay there alone when she was in bed. Cuddled up against me, purring deeply.

2 years later my son was born. Both my children loved the, now fully grown, red and white cat, but small as they were they frequently stuck fingers in his eyes or pulled his tail, and he has always been afraid of little children since, as well as very fast in his responses if he as much as suspected someone was going to hurt him. He has bitten and scratched us numerous times, and for this reason my husband never liked him, always stating the animal was "totally unreliable and as crazy as it gets". I suppose he was, but he was also a very friendly, cuddly cat who, even as an adult, still preferred to be held like a baby, against my chest, tummy up and purring loudly. He had his own way of asking to be held that way: he would meow loudly and as soon as I crouched to pet him, stand on his hind legs, wrapping his front paws around my neck, lile a toddler asking to be lifted and carried. During those moments I would go "aww, are you my baby?" and he would purr insanely loud.

When the dog arrived some 2 years ago, Doerak had a hard time dealing. They have never liked each other, primarily because Doerak loved stealing the dog's food and the dog would get majorly upset over it. Which never really stopped Doerak, he would simply withdraw behind a cabinet or in a small corner, munching happily on a mouthful of stolen dog food while growling at the dog, not impressed at all by the dog jumping up and down and barking his head off.

He got older and older and as the years passed by, he was sick a lot, but always made miraculous recoveries. He survived pneumonia several times, always had a snotty nose which was at times less than pleasant, since his favorite sleeping spot was in my bed, on my pillow, his paws in my hair.

Over the past few weeks he quickly deteriorated. He lost weight rapidly, ending up looking very skinny, and then he stopped eating completely. Too weak to stand on his legs (but doing it anyhow) he kept coming to me for hugs and cuddles last night and this morning, then moving away again to find a quiet corner to lay in. It was, as if his body had died already, but his spirit refused to give in. And so we had to take a decision: wait until he dies, which would quite possibly mean several more days of suffering, slowly starving to death or end it, here and now. We took him to the vet, who examined him and agreed there was no hope and that euthanising him was the merciful thing to do. I held him in my arms, wrapped in a cloth, as the syringe that would put him to sleep was inserted, memories of that tiny furball in the baby carrier flashing through my mind. Petted him until after his heart had stopped after we put him on the table for the final injection. Softly talking to him and telling him it was allright, just sleep. And so he slid off, gently, to where there is no more suffering.

Goodbye Doerak. Thank you for almost 15 years of friendship, craziness, making me laugh and being a loyal, warm, purring companion always. My baby. I am so, so going to miss you.

The Dung Movie

2010-01-02T16:47:00.004+01:00

Rich is a long term friend. We have never met in real life, but our conversations online are often so hilarious I end up laughing until it hurts. Here's just one of them, shared with permission. Just read. And to Rich: You're great.

Rich: This guy is engineering synthetic life to eat CO2 and turn it into fuel.
Kitten: hope he knows what he's doing and doesn't end up creating something that eats oxygen and turns it into cow dung
Rich: *laughing*
Kitten: admit it, that would be a great theme for a scifi horror movie
Rich: *laughs*
It has merit!
Kitten: the tension, the suspense.. will they choke first, or drown in shit?
Rich: Oh dear! No doubt in smell-o-vision.
Kitten: "Revenge of the Turds"
Rich: Eew!
Kitten: Hmm *starts writing* Not so long ago.. in a galaxy actually quite close to home.. one man.. on a mission.. the goal.. to save the planet.. the result.. too gross for words
Rich: laughing
As long as I am not in it!
Kitten: oooh, we will all be.. in it.. up to our necks, and worse..
Rich: Hm, not into that!
Kitten: it's all your fault, you triggered my insanely sadistic mind
Rich: I'm innocent.
Kitten: Hmm.. maybe you are.. you could be the hero trying to save us all by flying into space with a huge bomb and blowing something up....no wait, wrong movie
Rich: *laughs* You're not making a movie about dung.
Kitten: why not? it hasn't been dung before and I think humanity is ready for it. I mean, they've been watching shitty movies for decades, it's time we take this to the next level.
Rich: *laughs* That's qualitative dung rather than content!
Kitten: Why yes, of course. But doesn't it prove there is an actual, and huge, need for it?
Rich: No-absence could imply no demand!
Kitten: *sighs* Look. It's much like people watching documentaries about nudism only because they can't afford the porn channel. Watching shitty movies is simply a case of settling for less, because the real thing is not available.
Rich: But other videos are a commodity and are available at low prices?
Kitten: And if that doesn't convince you, just watch the news. Shit, multiple times a day, all over the planet.
It's even in our language.. how often do we say: shit happens?
Rich: I don't really watch the news-I read it on web sites now. The television news is rather stupid.
Kitten: You even admit it yourself, can't count the times I've heard you say: I feel like shit
Rich: *laughs*
Oh hush!
*spanks a bit*
Kitten: You're just jealous I thought of this brilliant plan first
Rich: Not really-I am perverted and like touching your ass.
Kitten: See? Ass. Even subconsciously, you are expressing a preference for the body part that produces.. exactly!
Rich: I don't want to BEEP your ass, just grope it.
Kitten: You're in denial
Rich: Isn't that a river in Africa?
Kitten: No. That's The Nile. Although those bathing in it are indeed in denial. It's very polluted with.. guess what.
Rich: Arabs?
Kitten: Well that too.
*laughing*
*bites your nose* well.. stay in The Nile if you want to. I'm phoning some movie making friends about my idea.
Hmm.. better make movie making friends, first

Gall bladder surgery

2009-10-09T09:54:00.002+02:00

Two days ago, my gall bladder was removed. It had been causing me almost constant belly aches for some 2 months, and occasional terrible cramp attacks due to being full of gall stones, and so surgery was the only option.

I had to come to the hospital at 7:30 am. Ron dropped me off, I went to the department, reported in and was rounded up with several other people in a room. There was a bit of confusion, apparently several people named "Smits", "Smit" or "Smid" were scheduled for surgery that day and the nurses were having a hard time keeping track of who was who. By 7:40 am I suddenly got told I was scheduled to be at the OR at 7:45 and so I had to change into a lovely blue hospital shirt very quickly, then was rushed there. When we arrived there was people holding clipboards and looking on computer screens all over the place, a whole row of beds with people in it ready to have surgery, and no space for me. The new computer system for the OR planning wasn't working too well, and so it wasn't really my turn yet, and I was brought back to the room I was previously in.

After waiting for another hour it finally was my turn, and so they took me to the OR for the second time that day. This time by volunteer workers from the "patient transportation" department. I told the man pushing my bed this was my second time to the OR today because something went wrong with the planning the first time. He jokingly responded "ah well, that's because the nurses brought you. Just leave it to us from patient transportation, we always make sure no one returns". I'm sure he meant well but at the time, I didn't think it was funny.

This time, I was accepted, the IV needle put in place and within a few minutes, I was under full anaesthesia. The first thing I remember after that is being in the recovery room at noon. I didn't have a lot of pain and apart from a bit dizzy and disoriented I felt quite good, so soon after I was back at the "short stay" department. I called home to let them know I was allright, logged into Yahoo for a moment to let a few other people know I was fine, and dozed off again, spending most of the afternoon dozing off and waking up again. The pain worsened, and I felt dizzier and by the end of the afternoon I got really sick. The nurse gave me two tablets of paracetamol and 5 minutes after taking them, I had to vomit and they came straight out again. Ron and the kids came to visit while I was still feeling terribly, so sick and in so much pain.. they left fairly soon and after they left I kept being sick multiple times, the vomitting worsening the pain from the wounds in my belly, driving it up to level "unbearable". The surgeon came to check on me and said she'd prescribe something against the sickness. For some reason, it took 2 hours for this medication to finally be administered, and so I spent another 2 hours hurting like hell and vomiting myself inside out.

Finally the vomitting stopped but by then the biggest one of my wounds had started to bleed again and using the button to call a nurse remained without a response for 5 minutes. And so I stumbled into the nurse's post, both hands pressed to my chest, blood dripping from my fingers, mumbling "ehm.. something's going wrong here". Later on I laughed about it, I probably looked like someone from a gangster movie at that point. "It was Tony's men.. they got me" or something similar. The nurse bandaged it up and the bleeding stopped, and so I went back to bed.

I asked the nurse to please give me something against the pain but she remained unmovable: I wasn't scheduled for more pain medication until 11 pm. Trying to explain the previous tablets had come straight out as I was being sick had no effect. By 11 I finally got 2 more tablets of paracetamol (effectively my first pain medication after the surgery) but by then I was in so much pain they didn't do much. I tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up sitting up against the pillows, half dozing off occasionally.

By 3 am the night nurse found me half crying and decided to give me a morphine shot. And as painful as the shot itself was.. I swear I was grinning like a total junkie when the godsent liquid entered my bloodstream and the pain lessened, finally.

The next day I was feeling a lot better. Still in a lot of pain but at least it was bearable. Not sick anymore, I even ate some bread for breakfast. The surgeon came to see me again and decided I was to go home.

That was yesterday and I spent it alternating between sleeping and sitting up for a bit. I went to bed early and slept fairly well and today, I am without pain as long as I sit still and breathe slowly. Still a bit drowsy and very weak, but all in all feeling a lot better.

Most of all, I'm just glad it's over. Now, it's just a matter of resting a lot and nursing myself back to full health.

The King is dead

2009-06-26T09:12:00.003+02:00

The first thing to pop on my screen this morning when I switched my computer on was an offline Yahoo message from a friend, written at 1 AM last night. "Michael Jackson just died. Cardiac Arrest." I grinned, still half asleep, wondering about the punchline to the joke, and then it hit me.

Michael Jackson has really died. The King of Pop is gone. And I cannot help but feel tremendously sad. Throughout my life, I have been a big fan of his music. As an early teenager, I loved songs like "Ben" or "Can you feel it". I had just left home and gone into the big world on my own when his megasalling albums "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" came out. It was his music blasting from the speakers, that drew me and the friend I used to go out with at the time, to what would become our favorite little discotheque in Amsterdam. I'll even admit to having practised then mastered the moonwalk, as well as various other dance moves he made famous. "HiStory" was not as big a hit as his previous albums, yet I loved the depth and the emotion in the songs on it. Moving from easy, danceable, plastic pop Michael Jackson showed he had a heart and soul, and that at times they were bleeding because of all the injustice and pain, both in his personal life and in the world as a whole. His "Earth Song" can make me cry still today. And yes I know it's overcommercialised, but take that away and it's still an incredible song. As is most of his material.

And yet, in spite of all the fame and the millions he made, his life as a whole was one big tragedy. I think we all know the story so I'm not going to repeat it here. Comparisons with Peter Pan come to mind, as well as Heinlein's "Stranger in a strange land". When I think of him, I see an extremely gifted artist, completely lost in a world he didn't understand, and that never really understood him, in return. Wacko Jacko.

And so, the song ringing in my head at the moment, is not by him. It's an old Don McLean song named "Vincent", and it's about Vincent van Gogh, the famous Dutch painter who just like Michael Jackson was a complete misfit.

Part of the lyrics go like this:

"For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you."

Rest in peace, Michael. You have finally found Neverland, beyond the second star on the right. To me, you will always be beautiful. Thank you, for everything.

Who's that girl?

2009-06-14T00:53:00.001+02:00

More songwriting.. spilling a bit of my soul here.

**

Who's that girl?

Well I wonder who that girl is
she is sitting in my chair
and she wears my clothes, she has my face
she has even got my hair

But her eyes are close to crying
and her mouth has lost its grin
and as far as I can tell from here
she is close to caving in

And she's asking all her closest friends
what she may be doing wrong
'cause she used to always laugh and sing
she was always tough and strong
and she used to dodge or take the blows
and she could take on the world
so I really wonder who she is
tell me please.. who is that girl?

Yeah I wonder who that girl is
she is speaking in my voice
but it's far too soft, and trembling
like she doesn't have a choice

And I wish that I could help her
but I don't know who she is
She's a stranger yet familiar
she's the part of me I miss

And I'm asking all my closest friends
what I may be doing wrong
'cause I used to always laugh and sing
I was always tough and strong
Now the bleeding heart has surfaced
and it doesn't have a name
But if she is me, then I am her
and a fighter all the same

Special girls

2009-06-01T12:24:00.001+02:00

Last Saturday, my daughter celebrated her 14th birthday with a slumberparty, inviting 3 of her closests friends to spend the evening and the night at our house. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to it. All three of them are 'special" kids with psychological and behavioral issues, and I wasn't really sure I could even do this. Especially since in the week prior to the party I had collapsed pretty badly myself, a lot of my undealt with hurt from the past surfacing, leaving me in tears and wondering how on earth I was supposed to go on. When that happened, I pondered my options. Seeing a therapist wasn't my number one choice, given it is pretty hard to find a good one. And so I decided to work through this all by myself. In Pema Chodrun's "Noble Heart" training, which I have here as an audio course, I found exactly what I was looking for. How to turn our mind from anger and hurt towards a completely open mind/heart, filled with love and compassion. All this wasn't new to me, as I have been studying Buddhism in general and Pema Chodrun in particular for quite some time now. But it is funny how, even when we know what to do and how to do it, we forget so easily, caught up as we are in the problems of everyday life and our ego driven sense of self that feels this strong need to defend itself against what we perceive as suffering, the unfairness and harshness of life itself. And so, still barely back on my feet emotionally myself, the day came and the girls arrived.

My husband and son left for dinner and a movie in Amsterdam, partly so they didn't have to be a part of all the girlie stuff going on, and partly because for the girls it would be much nicer to make this an "all females event", as well. And the last thing I had expected happened: I had a blast. All of the girls were absolutely wonderful and a delight to have around. Sure, they have their issues, all sorts of them, but they are also, maybe even because they are "special", very real, very open and from the heart. Without any effort they dragged me into their world, which evolves around the boys at school, puberty and the insecurities that come with it, and silly giggling about absolutely nothing. We sang karaoke with the Playstation and one of the girls turned out to be a true little songbird with a very pure voice. The rest was actually horrible to listen to, but they sang with so much joy it didn't even really matter. We went out to have dinner at a local cafetaria and I sat there listening to their stories, grinning big and not caring at all about the fact they were actually being really loud, at times screaming their heads off laughing or teasign one of the girls who had gotten a smile and a wink from a hunk who was sat at the next table and couldn't stop blushing about it. Walking back home we hooked our arms into each others and so all five of us formed a row, and I was amazed at how easily they accepted me in. Later on back home there was storytelling, Twister and watching a movie on DVD. Then finally it was bedtime, more giggling and laughing and talking until it was really late and I had to take on my adult role for the first time, telling them they really had to go to sleep now.

The next day, I made them all a big breakfast, and soon after they all got picked up by their parents. I was truly sorry to see them leave and found myself telling them that, if ever they wanted to come over again, they would always be more than welcome.

I'm still amazed by what a big difference a change in thinking can make. I could have easily chosen to get totally frustrated and stressed out by their loudness, their sometimes strange behavior and all sorts of things. But simply shifting my focus towards seeing the good things, sharing in their life, joy and sadnesses made this a great and very energizing experience. These kids really are special. But not in the way society uses special as a synonym for handicapped. There is a purity, a joy and a heart in them, and often all sorts of talents that are easily overlooked because of the stigma they carry with them. I can't count the times people have told me "ohmy, so you have an autistic daughter. That must be so hard." No one ever goes "that must be a fantastic challenge, I envy you". And yet, this is true as much as that it is sometimes hard to deal with. And I wish I knew of a way to make people see that, and to embrace these kids instead of writing them off as "special", secretly meaning: losers. They are anything but.

Another fun test

2009-05-27T21:15:00.003+02:00

I love some of the tests on the Internet. This one was fun to take, and I do recognize myself in the results.

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

You are perhaps the most popular result on OKCupid, but don’t worry, you are anything but common. I’m guessing you are quite flirtatious, but you are hardly reliant on men. You like to do things the mainstream would consider strange, (like dress in costume, perhaps?), but this gives you an irresistible allure. Eat, drink, and be merry, but make sure whoever you date respects you and does not take advantage of your laid-back attitude. (BTW, you are likely the only type who can see That Creepy Guy (NLBM) for who he is, helping him to bring out the Manga Geek (QLBM) inside. This does not mean you have to date one, however. You are quite flexible and can enjoy the company of many of the types.)

You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL.

You are more LIBERAL than TRADITIONAL.

You are more DOMINANT than PASSIVE.

When picking a date, consider: The Lord of the Misfits (QLAM), The Fratt Boy (NLAM), The Snowball's Chance in Hell (QTBM), The Manga Geek (QLBM), or That Creepy Guy (NLBM).

(Image from http://www.buycostumes.com/Lock-Lace-Bodice-Navy-Renaissance-Collection-Adult/27296/ProductDetail.aspx )

Take The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?) at HelloQuizzy

More Playing for Change

2009-05-18T23:40:00.002+02:00

Because I believe in the power of this project.. because if there's anything this planet needs, it's peace.. because there are quite a few awesome musicians in it.. I want to share this.

Greenpeace needs your help

2009-04-21T17:58:00.002+02:00

When you've finished watching the video I am also hoping that you'll be inspired and help us to share its message of action on behalf of our environment by taking some online action yourself ... and helping us recruit 3 million people to become climate activists. Yes, you read it correctly. 3 million. It's a big number because the Earth needs big action this year.

Here's what you can do:

First: Enjoy the video. Click on the YouTube logo at the end to rate it and leave a comment!

Second: Share it with your friends and family

Third: Take action for the climate this Earth Day by signing our online petition: ask our world leaders to take personal responsibility for the future of the climate and attend the UN Climate summit at the end of the year. But not just attend, they need to ensure a good deal for the climate.

Here's to a future that's green and peaceful. Together we can make it happen.

Vanilla

2009-04-15T10:35:00.000+02:00

He smiles at me. Bright white teeth, bronze tanned face and those incredibly beautiful deep brown eyes. He is a looker, and he knows it. And I know exactly what he wants me to do. I smile, a bit shy, wondering if I should accept the invitation that is written all over his face. I was raised to believe it is a bad thing. It serves no purpose other than to indulge in its pure pleasure. I know this is true and yet, I find myself wanting to, needing to, a craving that is incredibly hard to resist. Half closing my eyes my mind floats away, daydreaming.

In my imagination I gently close my hand around it, holding it up, the perfect angle. Slowly bringing my face closer, tongue snaking from between my lips and just the tip licking, tasting just a tiny drop that was trickling down, the heat of this very moment. I know he wants me to go further, so much further and so I slowly open my mouth, tongue further out, a long stroke down the bottom all the way to the tip, savouring. It makes me shiver, hungry for more. Closing my lips around the tip I suck slowly. I love the feel, the taste, the knowledge all of this is for me. That I can take my time, enjoying it to the max. And so I do. Alternating between sucking slowly and licking hungrily, nibbling and gently biting here and there, my head dizzy, eyes half closed. Wanting it to last, and last. But the end is near, inevitably approaching. A few final licks and then I swallow fast and hard, not wanting to spill a drop but feeling it dribble down my chin. I wipe my chin and remove a few drops from the corners of my mouth, licking my fingers clean, then sigh happily.

Roughly pulled back to reality by a car braking nearby I look up. He is still watching me, smiling widely, his face radiating a "come on.. you know you want to" and I do, Ohgod, I do want to. And so I cave in, upbringing and knowing better shoved aside, giving in to an urge stronger than anything. I nod at him and he winks, getting ready to do the very thing he and I both knew would happen all along. One last sigh, knowing I have lost the battle, then I look at my kids standing next to me in front of the cart.. "ice cream, anyone?"

Cheshire cats and buddhahood

2009-03-24T12:27:00.001+01:00

I was reading the ads on the supermarket's message board when I saw it: "Wanted due to sudden allergy: good home for grey cat, male, neutered." and a phone number. I spoke about it to my partner at the time who wasn't really too keen on the cat we already had and so of course he didn't like the idea of a second one very much. We agreed I'd just go have a look at the cat that evening. The lady who let me in was nice and warned me Siem wasn't really a lap cat or friendly towards strangers. She then led me to a room where he was sitting in a corner in the back, straight up, watching me as I was watching him. And I swear he was grinning. I didn't approach him, but instead crouched, just sitting there, holding out my hand and softly calling him. He sat motionless for several minutes, then slowly got up, strutted towards me, climbed into my lap and curled up, purring loudly. The lady was astonished, but I knew there and then. And so I came home with Siem at the back of my bike, in his pet carrier which the lady had given me since she had no further use for it. My partner gave me an angry "ah, so you decided to take it home after all huh" and all I could say was: "I didn't take that decision. He did." Which of course didn't help, but sometimes you have to risk a fight over something you know is right.

That was thirteen years ago. Siem is still with me. Now part of a pack of 6 cats, a dog and 2 rats around the house. He has never stopped grinning. Wether he is sound asleep somewhere near a heater, or sitting at his favorite spot halfway the stairs, overseeing the world from his elevated position, or watching the rest of the cats battle over the food bowls while he quietly awaits his time, when they've all gobbled down as much as they can eat and there's still plenty left for him to eat slowly and undisturbed, enjoying every bite. He is the largest of them all but he will only fight if he feels it's necessary, and then he can take on the biggest, meanest tomcats in the neighborhood and make them run for it, bleeding and humiliated. But right afterwards he'll go back to his quiet, grinning self as if nothing has happened. He still doesn't like strangers and will usually simply disappear if there's someone visiting. But once they've left, he's back again, sitting there with that big grin, as if he was saying "yeah, I'm here, missed me?". He is also still not much of a lap cat. Generally, humans make too much noise and move too much, they simply don't make suitable surfaces to lay down on and ponder the meaning of life undisturbed. But when one of us is feeling bad, sick or crying, he will make one of his magical appearances, curl up in our lap, and stay there until we feel better. I can't count the tears I have shed on his furs when I went through my, pretty rough, divorce with the kids' dad. But no matter how much I soaked him, he stayed there, purring, and grinning at me. And as crazy as it may sound.. that helped, a lot.
If I didn't know any better, I would say Lewis Carroll based the Cheshire cat from "Alice in Wonderland" on Siem.

In many ways, I envy him. For his balance, his omnipresent grin, his ability to pick his battles and not worry about the rest. Of course he has an easy life and really nothing to worry about. He doesn't have to work or clean, has never heard of financial problems or the stress that comes with raising kids, there's always food and water and a warm spot to sleep in, as well as ample cuddles from all of us whenever he feels the need to get them. Still, I wonder if it's true that it takes intelligence to reach enlightenment. His IQ probably is only a fraction of mine and yet, there he is, facing life, joy and defeat with the same laid back and accepting attitude, warm and compassionate towards those who deserve it, ruthless against those who don't but never cruel beyond what is needed to show them their place. He doesn't have an attitude nor insecurities, he doesn't whine or worry, nor is he ever grumpy, sad or insecure. He takes life one step at a time, dealing only with the present situation as best as he can. His intentions are always clear, there is no hidden agenda. And above all, no matter what.. he keeps grinning. Honestly, I wish I could be like him. With all the studying and soul searching I have done.. I am still far from that level. If he wouldn't have had a name already when I got him, I'm sure I would have called him Buddha. Buddha, the Cheshire cat. And I'm still so glad he picked me.

Stop whining, start fighting for it

2009-02-27T12:34:00.002+01:00

Let's face it.. we are suffering from a global depression. And no, I don't just mean the financial crisis that is hitting hard everywhere. All around me, I can hear people complaining about virtually anything. Global warming, the arctic ice melting, terrible weather lately, religious differences, political issues.. and the list goes on and on and on. Usually, the response to someone mentioning these things is something along the line of "I know.. it's terrible". And that's it. We acknowledge the facts, and go back to sleep.

But what are we going to do about it? Ask this question and you'll get a "Who me? well nothing, what can I do?" For starters, you can stop complaining. It doesn't help, and it only enhances the facts. By mentioning these things over and over again, we only strengthen the negative energy that has us caged, making us feel helpless and on the verge of disaster. Once you have freed up the energy you have so far used to complain and feel miserable, you can start doing something useful with it. Try opening up your mind for a change. Realize there's an awful lot you can do. And it all starts with a positive attitude. Once you manage to do that, you will radiate positive energy and become an inspiration to others around you. Look at the word: inspiration. Put the spirit back in people.. awaken their soul, their core being.

And no, I don't mean religion. Although religion can be a great source of inspiration for people it has also brought us lots of misery. Because most religious people tend to both derive inspiration from their own religion but also: condemn those who believe otherwise, which is a big source of negative energy. Having a truly open mind means: Sure I believe in God/Allah/Jahweh/Oogabullah... not because I am a part of your religion, but because I see them as very useful sources of positive energy for those who believe in them. And whatever works for people, gives them hope, inspires them.. exists because of that very fact alone. How could I possibly tell anyone something they derive so much positive energy from, does not exist?

It is time for us to stop focusing on our problems and differences and start fighting for what is truly important. Bring back inspiration, bring back hope, stop being a part of the problem, be a part of the solution! Each and every one of us can bring a little bit of light to this world. By ourselves, we may be nothing but a tiny candle. But pictures millions of candles being lit all over the planet.. and behold, we have a glow that can be seen from the moon.

Next time you're about to whine, respond to someone in a negative way, put someone down because they don't meet your expectations.. think twice and say something positive or nice, instead. Whenever you feel the planet is going to bits: look at all the beautiful things that are out there, like in the video I linked here. I can go on, but I think you get the general idea. I just wanted to share this, because I think it's important but also to remind myself. Have a wonderful weekend!

A farewell

2009-02-07T21:01:00.002+01:00

Today, we received the news Hans Meijer died, quite unexpectedly. Sure, we knew he had a bad liver and other physical nuisances as he would put it, but nothing very serious, and he was only in his early fifties.

Hans was a friend, although we hadn't seen each other in years. We stayed in touch via Yahoo, and we kept telling each other: We so need to meet up again sometime soon, but busy, busy, busy. I guess it wasn't meant to happen.

I am sitting here thinking about Hans, and who he was. Fairly well known in the BDSM scene for his shibari (Japanese rope bondage) workshops, books and videos. Webmaster of the Powerotics.com website. Author of numerous articles on all kinds of subjects, most but not all BDSM related. Safety, techniques, the sense and especially the nonsense of many things that are BDSM.

Hans had very outspoken, black and white opinions on those things. And he would defend them to the bitter end in newsgroups, mailing lists and forums. Or face to face. For this reason, there were large numbers of people who did not like him, at all. And I will honestly admit there have been times when I myself felt like kicking him in the butt. Hans, in many ways, was an asshole. And he was the first to admit it.

But he was a very lovable asshole. Sure, we have had heated discussions, and then there were his stories some of which we have heard a dozen times because he so loved telling them and even though we often doubted the level of truth in them, we listened.. because it was simply a part of who he was.But he was also a very warm person, and when it really came down to it, a true friend. When Ron lost his son Gerard at age 17 and was going to bits with sadness and grief, it was Hans he phoned. And it was Hans who showed up with a bottle of good, old whiskey the next day, letting Ron talk and rant and cry, being the shoulder Ron so desperately needed without trying to soothe the pain or saying meaningless things like "time will heal the wound". I also remember the long summer evenings in the Ardennes, sitting outside on the terrace, talking about the craziest subjects and Hans would have an opinion on, and experience with, virtually everything.

So yes, fond memories of a remarkable man who passed away entirely too soon. Then again, in some strange way, I am at peace with that. Hans simply wasn't the type to grow old and needy. He was a fighter in many ways, passionate about everything he did and believed in. He loved life and all it had to offer. He was a living example of how it is better to burn up than to fade away.

But he will be missed dearly by everyone who saw him as a friend, in one way or another.

Goodbye Hans. It was absolutely wonderful knowing you. Thank you for all the good times we got to share.

Rest in peace, asshole.

Cold Turkey

2009-02-01T15:08:00.002+01:00

Two days ago, both Ron and I quit smoking. Without any pills or patches or whatever, just the good old fashioned cold turkey method. So far, I'm doing fairly well, although I will admit I have my difficult moments countless times a day. Much to my own surprise it's not even the wanting to smoke I am having a hard time with. It's the side effects that annoy me to no end, and primarily the concentration problems.

I'm usually the type whose mind can easily perform multiple complicated tasks at once, I'm very organised and verbally strong. Now, the simplest things like making lunch or folding laundry take me forever, because halfway through I'll forget who wanted what or I'll stand with the one blue sock in my hand, just not seeing the other one that goes with it, then forgetting I need the second blue sock alltogether. I'll walk into a room to fetch that ehm.. yes.. what am I doing here? Or, and this one particularly bugs me: I'll forget I was talking to someone online in mid conversation, go do something else and then when they go "hello?" because I'm not responding I'll reply with a happy "Hi!" before realizing I was already talking to them before.

Apart from a bit demented I am also constantly restless, and even though I am in a great mood I just know that should anyone rub me the wrong way I am quite likely to snap.

And so I just hope I manage to make it through the first difficult weeks without caving in and without damaging my relationships with people I care about too much. I'm really not being a bitch or unattentive on purpose.. just a junkie going cold turkey to get rid of her addiction. Please, cut me some slack, okay?

Fifty Ways

2008-12-23T21:51:00.000+01:00

Just for the heck of it.. another one of my infamous alternative lyrics.. enjoy ;)

Fifty Ways to dump your lover

The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
‘Cause dumping is easy in SL’s reality
No need for drama if you just want to be free
There must be fifty ways to dump your lover

She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
But you deserve much better and besides, I think you’re cute
So I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to dump your lover
Fifty ways to dump your lover

Just put her on mute, dude
Give her a ban, Stan
Spread the word that you’re dead, Fred
Just get yourself free
Just don’t make a fuzz, Gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just make a new alt, Walt
And get yourself free

Just put her on mute, dude
Give her a ban, Stan
Spread the word that you’re dead, Fred
Just listen to me
Just don’t make a fuzz, Gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just make a new alt, Walt
And get yourself free

She said it hurts me so to see you with that girl
She’s really worthless, and to me you mean the world
I said I like you too and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don’t you go invisible tonight
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to dump your lover
Fifty ways to dump your lover

Just put her on mute, dude
Give her a ban, Stan
Spread the word that you’re dead, Fred
Just get yourself free
Just don’t make a fuzz, Gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just make a new alt, Walt
And get yourself free

Just put her on mute, dude
Give her a ban, Stan
Spread the word that you’re dead, Fred
Just listen to me
Just don’t make a fuzz, Gus
You dont need to discuss much
Just make a new alt, Walt
And get yourself free

The Mom Song

2008-12-23T17:45:00.002+01:00

Just because it made me laugh so hard I had tears running down my cheeks.. and because sometimes people forget just how much work it is to raise kids.. here it is, for all you moms and dads out there: the mom song.

True meanings

2008-12-20T11:11:00.001+01:00

In this fast paced world called SecondLife, words often don't have the same meaning they have in Real Life. Especially concepts like time and feelings seem to be quite different on SecondLife and those new to this virtual world are quite likely to fall into those pitfalls and get hurt, because they made the funny mistake to interpret words the way they would in real Life. Bad plan! So, having been around SL for some 4 years now, maybe it is time I share some of what I learned along the way with you. Here it is.

Hi, how r u?
Meaning: Hello, I am either a teenager or I think this way of talking is cool. I think your avatar looks hot and I would like to do unspeakable things to you, but I lack the imagination to come up with a more original opener than this one.

I have to go, but can we be friends?
Meaning: I would like to hump your avatar sometime soon but right now I'm kind of busy chatting up someone else who got here before you.

I bought some new couples poses, could you come over and help me adjust them properly?
Meaning: I need a lame excuse to hump you, let's see if you are stupid enough to fall for this one.

I want to get to know you better
Meaning: I would like to hump you.

It's your mind I'm after
Meaning: I couldn't care less about your mental capacities but hey, if it means I get to hump you, I can pretend.

I want you to be mine completely
Meaning: I want you to be available to me at all times.

This person is my best friend in SecondLife and that's all there is between us.
Meaning: Of course we have sex. We just don't see each other enough to warrant a relationship.

I'm a romantic at heart
Meaning: I'll go through the whole wine, dine, dance and rose petals thing if it means I get to hump you.

I'm poly
Meaning: I have difficulties committing since there's so many hot people on SecondLife. I will however be the only one who gets to play around since I am too jealous to let you do the same.

I'm a lesbian
Meaning: I'm quite likely to be a man in real life

I'm bisexual
Meaning: I'm either a man in real life trying to be less obvious than the "lesbian" mentioned before, or I am indeed female but quite likely to only play with women on SecondLife, since in the real world my husband would kill me if he found out I like women, too.

I love you
Meaning: Sex with you is fun and you look hot.

A loooong time
Meaning: several days

Forever
Meaning: 2 weeks

Stand by me - Playing for Change

2008-12-10T11:11:00.002+01:00

Not just an incredibly well made music video and a whole bunch of extremely talented musicians from all over the world.. But also a song I love, and this version went straight to my core. Just listen, watch, but first and foremost: feel.

Going dowwwwn

2008-12-01T19:25:00.003+01:00

Today was one of those days I sat here shaking my head and wondering what the fuck is wrong with humanity. I know, I should probably stay away from reading the news and I usually do, but once in a while I do read up on it, and the results are usually not very positive.

George Double Yuck Bush proclaimed in an interview he wants to be remembered as the man who liberated 50 million people and brought the world so much closer to peace. Ehm.. excuse me? Am I the only one feeling an almost unstoppable urge to grab the waste bin from under my desk and just puke here? Just how thick is the concrete plate in front of this guy's head? I guess the most scary part is he probably actually believes this to be true.

And then there was this guy, just an ordinary guy like you and me, making a living by working at Walmart. And on Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving when all the big sales start in the US, he was at work. A crowd had gathered outside, people eager to be the first to benefit, and so when the doors opened they all rushed in, pushing and screaming and pulling, like a stampede, unstoppable. Once they had made their way into the store, our friendly Walmart employee and several other people were on the floor, trampled, bleeding. The other people were injured.. but our friendly Walmart dude.. was dead. Later on a Walmart spokesperson speaking to the press called the whole thing "an unfortunate event".

I can go on, and on, and on. Someone got shot because of a dispute over a parking spot. A 49 year old woman drove a 16 year old girl to suicide by pestering and humiliating her over the Internet, pretending to be a 16 year old boyfriend. Someone raped a horse with a stick, causing so much damage the animal, very slowly and very painfully, bled to death.

Where do all these animals pretending to be human come from? No, let me rephrase that. Not even the cruelest of predators amongst the animals would ever act like this. They kill because they need to survive, not out of greed, hunger for power, an inflated ego or just because they can.

It makes me sick to my stomach. Angry, but primarily tremendously sad. Just the fact these things happen everywhere and on a daily basis, but even moreso the fact we have gotten used to it and most of us don't even think twice about it.

I know I'm supposed to keep fighting, keep inspiring and awakening and believing. It's what I do. But on days like this, I would love to simply hand back my orders to whatever deity is in charge of resignations, tell the planet to go fuck itself and be done with it.

Oh well. To paraphrase Terry Pratchett; The fact we are outnumbered only means it's gonna take a bit longer to conquer the city. I guess it's true. But right now.. if anyone wonders where I am.. you can find me with my head in my waste basket.

Global Villagers

2008-10-06T10:23:00.001+02:00

I have spent many years on the Internet. In fact, I was online long before the Internet even existed. Back then, we had what was known as BBS's: Bulletin Board Systems. They basically were private computers open to the public, you could call them using a phone and a modem, download files, send messages, play simple games or chat with the Operator: the one running the system. I had my own BBS and I still have vivid memories, like chatting with a friend from Israel who called in from his basement in Jerusalem while the Exorcet rockets were doing their gruesome job to the city above him. It was an amazing experience, being able to talk with someone so far away as if they were right around the corner.

These days, the Internet is such an integrated part of our lives we have come to find it normal to speak to people from all over the globe. The global village has become a reality. Yet, at the same time, it is a virtual reality. Virtual not only because that is it's very nature, but also virtual as in: it appears to be. The anonimity of the Internet leaves plenty of room for people to lie, pretend, and hurt each other without risking repercussions. It is also, for the most part, a very superficial way of interacting. Most of us have tons of online "friends". It's funny really, how the word "friend" is used so lightly when it comes to online interactions. I mean.. would you call someone you occasionally run into at a bar in real life, a friend? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't, such a person would be "someone I know from the bar", or "an acquaintance". Ask yourself: How many of my "friends" would I still be able to reach if for some reason my Internet connection went down for months in a row? How many of them would be there for me, if I was in a crisis and desperately needed a shoulder to cry on? How many of them do I really know, and how many really know me, the real me, all flaws, strengths, fears and dreams included? And, and this is a scary one, how many of them would even notice if I disappeared? For me, the list of people I really consider friends is pretty short.

And then of course there is that other danger the Internet has brought us. Online life, not as an addition to, but as a substitute for, real life. I know people who actually live their life on the Internet. They don't have a job, they hardly ever leave the house, in fact their life is miserable and empty.. if it wasn't for the Internet. Because online, they are big. Running guilds and empires in virtual worlds, inventing and implementing brilliant strategies to conquer cities and kill incredibly strong monsters, king or queen of their self invented castle, all kneel to my true royalty. No no, I keep my true identity private, I don't mix both worlds. Please respect that. And I can't help but wonder: respect? But ehm.. you're an overweight 30 year old highschool dropout living in your mom's attic, sleeping till noon then spending your day and most of your night gaming and eating cold pizza. Just what am I supposed to respect?

Don't get me wrong. I spend quite some time on the Internet, myself. Surfing, gaming, chatting, writing, studying, couselling, teaching. But I try to keep a healthy balance between online and offline. I also try to be 100% myself in both worlds. it doesn't work all the time, but I try.

Phew

2008-09-26T10:03:00.002+02:00

Last Tuesday, our son Mike stayed home sick. He wasn't feeling well, and over the day the belly pains and diarrhea he was complaining about got worse. At first, we thought it was just a belly flu, but during the evening he kept having severe pains and started vomitting as well and it got so bad we took him to the doctor on duty at midnight. He was examined, and told it was just a belly flu, and that it would pass. Wednesday, he felt even worse. The pain got so bad he was dizzy and half dazed, and so we took him to our family doctor who agreed with us: this wasn't just a belly flu. The family doctor sent us to the hospital where he was examined by the pediatrist first, and then the surgeon.. soon, the verdict was clear: acute appendicitis, emergency surgery.

Wednesday evening at 7:30 they operated on him, and by 8:30 he was conscious again. The surgeon came to talk to us and told us it was just in time. The appendix was badly infected over its full length (did you know these things are about a finger long?) but it hadn't ruptured yet, so no gunk had gotten out. If that had happened, complications would have been severe. A ruptured appendix can cause infections all through the belly and in extreme cases the patient can even die from it. So phew, just in time, had we come a day later it would have been ruptured.

He spent two nights at the hospital. I stayed with him the first night, sleeping on a matrass next to his bed. Yesterday we visitied during the afternoon, with Joy, and in the evening Ron went to see him again. This morning Ron picked him up and now he's here again, still in some minor afterpain from the surgery, but looking and feeling an incredible lot better.

I'm so glad we didn't just go by the first doctor's opinion and went to our family doctor the next day. I can't even begin to express the feelings of relief and thankfulness about being on time, and being able to take our son back home, healthy and smiling. This has been tough emotionally, especially for Ron who lost his son Gerard only a few years ago. There were flashbacks of course, and he had to struggle with those while staying with Mike and being the rock in crisis situations he always is.

And so, both my men went through an incredibly hard time here, suffered what had to be suffered, and came out victorious. Mike's wound will heal, and I can only hope this experience and the way it ended will also help Ron heal a little bit more. All here, all healthy.. all is well.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-09-25T18:10:00.001+02:00

MyHeritage: Stamboom - Genealogie - Beroemdheid - Collage - Morph

No Angel

2008-08-30T13:09:00.003+02:00

Those of you who know me a little, know I occasionally like to write poetry and/or songs, which really is the same thing if you ask me, only with songs it's poetry put to music. This particular one is a rock song I finished not too long ago and thought I would share. Hope you enjoy :)

No Angel

You tell me that you love me and that you will set me free
but I know the girl you're seeing is not really all of me
(just let me be)
You caught me and you held me when I took a damned deep fall
but the beast is back and roaring and I can't resist it's call
and sometimes it makes me wonder if you're knowing me at all

Chorus:

I don't want your type of heaven
I just don't look good in white
Give me leather and black velvet
I'm an angel of the night

You tell me I'm no angel
and I stare in big surprise
cause I hold the key to Heaven
and it's right between my thighs

You thought that you could change me, giving everything you've got
but baby I'm not happy being something I am not
The fire burns inside me and it's tearing us apart
and as much as I despise it I am bound to break your heart
but if you had really known me you had known this from the start

Faith

2008-08-25T21:00:00.002+02:00

I don't really have a lot to write about right now. As far as things are happening here, they are happening inside of me, and I can not really put them to words yet. I'm doing fine, don't worry. Just an awful lot of thinking, reading, studying, and more thinking going on. I found this video on Youtube and it helped me see things I was thinking about in perspective. It is a bit sweet to my liking, but it is inspirational so i decided to share. Hope you like.

That time of the month

2008-07-14T12:40:00.003+02:00

It's that time of the month again. No, not menstruation, I haven't had that in ages.. My endometriosis made the bleedings far too severe causing me to get anemic, weak and miserable and so the bleedings are being suppressed by medication now. But you can only fool the body up to a certain level and so I do still have a that time of the month. Which in my case means I am very tired, have a piercing headache and am so emotional I can cry over minor stupid things.

It also does something strange to my mind: it enhances the negative side of things. It is as if my focus gets shifted. An example: normally, my point of view about our dog is: I love him to bits even though I never really wanted a dog, and yes he sometimes makes a mess and demolishes things but hey, all part of having a dog and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But just now, when talking about the dog with my girl, I said something like : Yeah he's cute but he damages so much, we can't go anywhere anymore because he can't be alone for long, it's bad enough I need to clean up after you lot all the time but now there's an extra mess maker around the house as well and I should have stuck to my guns when we discussed it because I really, really didn't want a dog.

Both statements are equally true. But normally, I take the balanced, positive approach. Now, I feel myself slide down the slope towards the big black "this whole world sucks and they're all against me" hole and the scary thing is: I know it's happening, I know why, I fight it with everything I have in me.. but I can't stop it. Luckily I never go down the slope for more than a day or two. It never gets to be as bad as a real depression. Usually, around the third day of my that time of the month at some point I go : Pfft, what the hell was I whining about, pick myself up and go on living life as usual, laughing and joking and smiling a lot and being my strong, balanced, I can do anything me.

And in the meantime I hang on to everything I can grab to prevent myself from sliding too far down. Friends and loved ones who know me well enough to realize this is happening help, by making me laugh and letting me know they care. Ron knows and will usually simply tell me to do as little as possible, wrap me up in a bear hug and let me just relax and wait for it to pass. I have a bunch of amazing people around me and I'm eternally grateful for that. Still, I wish I didn't have this. And no I am not going to see a doctor. If I'd talk to one in my present condition I am pretty sure they would stuff me full of pills, diagnose me with depression and send in some well meaning worker, erapist or similar moron to make things a lot worse.

Breathing is a good thing. If I can just manage to keep doing that, keep my negative feelings and thoughts to myself so I don't scare the living daylights out of people around me and wait for this to pass, I will be fine. I hate negative, whiney people. But one or two days of each month, I am one. But at least I know, and I battle it. I'm off to take a long shower and let all the negativity and self pity wash down the drain. Have a wonderful day!

44

2008-07-07T21:04:00.002+02:00

Last week, I turned 44. I don't really celebrate my birthday other than getting a big birthday cake and eating that with Ron and the kids. Oh and the fact I will get an iPhone, as soon as they're available here which is in only a few days time now. But birthdays don't mean a lot to me, and I stopped complying with the "general rules of conduct" dictating one should have a house full of people one needs to feed, fetch drinks and keep entertained all day long to the point where one ends up exhausted at the end of the day and realizing one was too busy to really have a decent conversation with any of the guests. Happy Birthday? Yes thanks, I'd like one, please don't come. I much rather see my friends whenever we like to see each other, and one or two at a time.

But my birthday did make me contemplate my life as it is now. I compared me now, with me 20 years ago. When I was 24, I was a hotshot manager, working 60-80 hours a week, traveling a lot for my job, making a lot of money. I was young, free, single and successful, 20 kilo's lighter than I am now and my clothing matched my perfume perfectly: both were by Chanel.

Now, I am a middle aged mom. I don't have a job outside of the house, I get paid for taking care of my mentally handicapped child by the government instead. I write a bit, I design and build a bit in Second Life, and I have several other interests I spend time on, music and spirituality being the biggest two there. I keep a big house with 6 cats, 2 rats, a dog, 2 kids and a husband clean and somewhat tidy and I run the family's finances.

In the eyes of the world, my 24 year old me was a lot bigger and hotter than my present self.

And yet.. given the choice, I wouldn't want to go back to who I was then. I am happier, more complete, more balanced, a little bit wiser and so much more myself now. And in spite of the 20 kilo's, I even think I am more beautiful now. Both my body and my spirit have been scarred by life itself. But both have also matured and are now well rounded in just the right places, the sharp edges gone. In every possible way, I am content with who and what I am. I love being 44.

If..

2008-06-05T12:40:00.002+02:00

I had forgotten just how much I like the writings by Rudyard Kipling. Not just his novels, but maybe even moreso his poetry. This particular one I stumbled upon today while looking for something entirely different, but it was what I needed to read, without even realizing it. I have been having a hard time explaining myself and this Warrior path I am on to someone quite close to me recently, and although that wasn't exactly fun, it also forced me to rethink what it is that we do and why we made that choice, to begin with. So here goes, just something I want to share.

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Shadow's 3.5 month evaluation

2008-05-26T14:10:00.000+02:00

The newest member of our family (or is it: zoo?) is now 3.5 months old. Our black labrador Shadow has grown immensely during this time, and went from a tiny puppy to an already pretty big dog. I spoke to him earlier today and let him evaluate the time he has spent with us so far. Hey, all the big companies are doing it, so why not us.This is the feedback I got from him.

Let me start by saying that overall, I like my new job a lot. The humans here are friendly and for the most part seem adequate at what they do. They just seem a bit touchy at times. I felt particularly welcomed by the felines that seem to be everywhere in this house. Whenever I approached one they immediately took me jogging around the living room, the workout usually ending in them jumping on top of something. They probably don't realize I can't jump that high and follow them there, but it was a nice gesture nevertheless. I did have to get used to their way of greeting me. They outstretch their front paw and lash out at my nose. it hurts a bit, but I suppose it is their way of saying hello. I try to avoid it when I can but since they're so helpful when it comes to helping me exercise, it is something I have learnt to live with.

The humans have provided me with lots of useful things, such as food bowls and tons of toys that are scattered around the house. For some reason they don't like me gnawing on the toys they sometimes put on their feet and they get particularly nasty when I take things with buttons on them or when I gnaw on stuff from the desks they are often sitting on. The small humans also get upset a lot when I take things from the big toybox in the living room and play with them, my way. I can't help the fact my teeth need lots of things to gnaw on, and they can't expect me to know the difference between what they want me to gnaw on and what they don't want me to gnaw on. If it's within reach, I'll rip it to shreds. I'm a dog, it's what I do.

Another thing that is not going all that well yet is my disposing of bodily waste. I mean, if I gotta go, I gotta go, you know. Sometimes it happens before even I realize it. At other times, I try to attract their attention but somehow they fail to see it, and then they get angry when it ends up on the floor. I think they prefer me to do it outside, when they take me there. Why is beyond me, I know for sure they themselves never do it outside. My nose works just fine, I know what they do behind that closed door in the tiny room with the huge bowl in it. I guess it is because I am the newcomer. Maybe in due time I will graduate to the level where I get to do it in the tiny room, too.

I have learned lots of useful things here. Let me end this evaluation by sharing a few of them with you:
- Examining the vacuumcleaner by sticking your nose into the end of the hose while the thing is on, is a bad plan.
- Grabbing your stone water bowl and dragging it over the wooden floor is a guaranteed way to draw attention to the fact you'd like to have it refilled.
- It is a scientific fact that growing means things you used to be able to run under/hide in/walk through when you were a tiny puppy get smaller over time, to the point where you get totally stuck in them.
-Cats are great fun to chase. They are a lot less fun to chase when there is more than one cat in the room. They tend to team up on you.While you are busy chasing the first one, the second one will appear out of nowhere and go directly for your nose.

And last, but certainly not least:
- Big puppy eyes and a soft whimper have no effect on big male humans busy cleaning your poo off their feet at 6:30 in the morning.

The L word

2008-04-24T12:30:00.003+02:00

I would like to talk to you about the L word. No, not the TV series, nor lesbians. I mean Love, and more specifically: love related to online connections. Is it even possible to love somebody you only know from online? Can you connect to someone at that level without ever having looked them into the eye, without ever having held them in your arms? And for those of us into D/s: Is it possible to truly submit, or dominate, online?

My personal experience is that yes, I can, deeply and profoundly. But after giving my heart and having it handed back to me on a platter multiple times, I have also learned to guard my heart like a fortress. To me, the whole online world, and specifically SecondLife as that is where I can usually be found when online, is an integrated part of my life. It is a way to get in touch with people I would otherwise never meet. I am very much the same me, here and there, because I do not separate them. I realize that is rare. Most people I meet on SL see the "two lifes" as completely separate. Many profiles state that "RL is RL and SL is SL and let's keep it that way" or similar things. For me, that doesn't work. My feelings are real, I am incapable of "playing" emotions. Which I guess makes me vulnerable, because lots of people are quite capable of doing so.

Another thing I have noticed is that people do an awful lot of projecting, when on SL. They meet a beautiful avatar, fall in love, and in their mind this person becomes everything they have always dreamed of. They forget the person behind the avatar is very much human, probably not as stunningly beautiful as their avatar, and imperfect like all humans are. I have had that happen to me, repeatedly. And I have had to deal with the disappointment, even anger, from people when they finally realized I wasn't this dream woman they had turned me into in their mind.

And so, here's the deal. If you want to be a part of my life, you are more than welcome. If you want to conquer my heart, feel free to try. But know this. I am not here to play someone I am not. I will not let myself be turned into your fantasy, nor will I allow you to make me the center of your universe.. you will not be the center of mine, either. I already have a complete and quite fulfilling life, and my family is and always will be first on my priority list. I am polyarmorous by nature, and so the fact I love you does not mean I don't love anyone else, and it certainly doesn't mean I don't love my husband and am looking for an online substitute. If all this is a level of reality you cannot handle, then you and I won't get along well.

Still reading? Excellent, let's play. Or.. not play, rather. Let's be.

Universal Chess

2008-04-15T21:13:00.000+02:00

What is my role, my lady? said the bishop to the queen
I cannot fight this battle along strategies unseen
The lady smiled and told him this: You.. you are here for me
And you need doing nothing else than this one thing: just be
You are right where you need to be so worry not, my friend
This war is really just a game and like all games it ends
Stand by my side, I need you here, with all your special traits
When in the end the game turns war, the evil horde invades
and wants my blood against all cost.. but then there will be you
and trust me darling, by that time you'll know just what to do

Ouch.. redefined

2008-03-27T16:26:00.002+01:00

I always thought of myself as a die hard when it comes to pain. I've been through so many things throughout my life that caused tremendous amounts of pain,and I keep amazing doctors and other people because I can take so much and heal so fast. I guess I became a bit arrogant about it, believing there was no pain in the world that could incapacitate me. And then, the Universe decided to teach me a lesson.

Two days ago, I woke up.. and couldn't move. The slightest attempt would cause me unbearable pain in my lower back and thighs, and even without moving it felt as if someone had stuck a knife in between two discs at the bottom of my spine. Struggling and crawling I managed to get out of bed anyhow, and I even managed to get myself up and down the stairs to wake the kids and get them dressed and ready for school. But no way I was ever gonna walk the 30 minutes to school to take them there. Luckily, my Love saw this was serious, and so he drove the kids to school and arranged to be home early enough to pick them up, as well. God I love that man, he so is my rock every time I need one.

While they were all gone I tried to phone our family doctor to make an appointment. The phone was busy constantly and when I finally did get through it was past the time for making an appointment and I got the answering machine. I dragged myself through the morning and, even though I thought that was not possible, the pain got worse. I could not stand, nor sit, nor lie down, nor walk. I took the heaviest painkillers I could find in the house, doubled the dose, and it didn't help a bit. Whatever I did or did not do.. it was pure and utter torture. It brought tears to my eyes and finally I decided to call the physiotherapist who helped me a few years ago when a disc in my neck had slipped causing part of my right hand to go numb. She listened, and she must have heard in my voice that I was in a bad shape, because she scheduled me for an appointment the very next day even though according to her assistant who initially answered the phone she was very busy, and it would probably take a while before she had a spot.

The day passed in a blur of pain and trying to cope, and the night was sleepless apart from a few short naps here and there. Yet, the next morning the pain was less. It was far from gone, but at least it was bearable. Ron took the kids to school again, and at noon when it was time to pick them up, I was brave enough to go there by bike, and I made it. In the afternoon I saw the physiotherapist, who massaged my cramped up muscles and then started pushing my bones back to where they should have been all along. That hurt, a lot, but it was nothing compared to what I had felt the day before.

That was yesterday, and today I am almost without pain as long as I don't make any weird moves, lift heavy things etc. Just a bit stiff. I'll need to go and see the physiotherapist a few more times to work on the last bits of irregularity in my lower back, but for the most part I am fine.

But mannn.. was I wrong in believing I knew it all and was too strong to be brought down by something as silly as pain. I'd rather have both my caesarians and if need be, a root canal treatment on the same day than go through this again. Hell.. lumbago be thy name. I salute you.

Mothers I'd Like to...

2008-02-20T09:19:00.003+01:00

Recently I came across the term MILF. I looked it up because I didn't know what it stands for, then grinned.. Mothers I'd Like to Fuck, or in other words: sexually attractive, older women. Usually aged between 35 and 50. Okay.. so I guess that makes me a MILF. Later that same day I got am IM in SL from a total stranger. It turned out he had done a search on women over 40 and my profile had popped up. He himself was a lot younger but he had this fascination with older women because as he put it: they are much better conversationalists and usually better at flirting, too.

It made me laugh. It also made me think. I can see why older women (and men) can be better conversationalists. They simply have more life experience, have seen and done more than younger people, and the chance they have learned a thing or two about themselves along the way, making them more balanced and self secured, is bigger. Then again I realize that is a broad generalization. I know childish, insecure, stupid people in their fifties, and absolutely wonderful people who know exactly who and what they are in their early twenties. The same thing goes for the sexual aspects of a person. More experience isn't always a guarantee for better. I've come across wonderful, tender and passionate virgin lovers in my lifetime, and alas also a few much older and very experienced ones who had apparently decided on the rabbit approach: hop on, do it like crazy for a minute or two, done, roll off, turn over. Absolutely boring and unsatisfactory to say the least.

I chat a bit with the stranger and then TP him to my place, where I am working on a few new designs. A minute later another friend walks in. We sit and chat for what turns out to be several hours. The young man has studied Zen, the friend is a psychologist. Soon the conversation takes flight and all kinds of subjects get discussed, from social behavior of people in large groups to personal development and what it means to make your own choices in life, from the relativity of things to BDSM in a spiritual context to politics. My mind is spinning, I absolutely love talking to people with well thought out opinions and insights and I love sharing mine.

It makes me realize that is what I miss most, sometimes. Food for thought other than from books and studying. Actual interaction with people. Apart from with my husband and a handful of online friends I don't have deep conversations a lot, simply because my life as a mother of two children, one mentally handicapped and needing almost constant care, leaves me bound to home. I crave the input and the mental sparring I was so used to when I was a career woman, traveling a lot and talking to people from all over the globe.

It is past midnight and I really have to log off, tomorrow being another day of getting up early to take the kids to school. My newly made friend tells me it is now early morning where he is.. he has spent all night talking with us. "And to think I really IMd you just to flirt.. but I'm so glad you actually have something to say!" is his comment. I guess that is what I like to be valued for. Don't get me wrong, I love flirting and cyber sex can be a great pastime. But in the end, connecting with people on the mental level is what I'm really after. And so I would like to introduce a new term.. I'd like to be a MILTT: a "Mother I'd Like to Talk To".

Zeitgeist- The Movie

2008-01-29T14:28:00.000+01:00

I'm not saying it is THE truth. But it is a movie worth watching, worth thinking about, and in many ways what it has to say is as viable as the common beliefs it is targeting. If it at least makes you think, then that is a good thing. Some may find it shocking, especially the claims that not only 9/11, but also Pearl Harbor, both World Wars and Vietnam were deliberately provoked/inside jobs, meant to better those who really rule this planet... Those holding on to their religious beliefs and refusing to even look at other possibilities, will probably state the first part of it is offending. But, as the slogan to the X-files series used to put it: The truth is out there. And I think we need to at least not close our eyes to various versions of it. Watch, and learn.

Zeitgeist - The Movie

Just be

2008-01-09T16:21:00.000+01:00

Just a song I stumbled across while browsing music videos. The lyrics really say it all... Just listen

The benefit of doubt

2007-12-28T15:29:00.000+01:00

From an early age on, I was thought that doubt was a bad thing. Yet, I did it a lot. I doubted the rules my parents wanted me to live by, the rules of society in general, the religious beliefs I was told were right, and later on even things like morals and taboos. In a way, I have always refused to accept anything just because other people said it was the right thing. Not that I was a rebel. I can honestly say I was a well behaved child, I had good grades at school, in fact I never stood out in any way. But my thoughts were mine and mine alone, although occasionally I did share them with my parents, which usually lead to violent discussions ending in "go to your room!".

Still I believe that doubting anything and everything is the way to go. The moment we accept anything as the absolute truth, as undoubtedly right.. is where we loose our autonomy as human beings. Take religion as an example. All the extreme believers, wether they believe in Allah, God, Jahweh or even Satan, make the same mistake: they accept their own truth as the truth, and reject everything else. What if they turn out to be wrong? Or even worse, what, if they are failing to see the bigger picture and in fact, all of them are right, but by rejecting all other religions, all of them are wrong, too? Why can't we just all agree on the simple basics, without turning them into any sort of dogma, and leave it at that?

We are being manipulated into accepting lots of truths, all the time. Without doubt. This is good, that is bad, why? because it just is. Well, I guess I am a very bad person, then. I had sex long before I ever got married, I was divorced twice, I left the church and went on a neverending quest to define my own spiritual beliefs. I have put people in hospital, and I will do so again without hesitation to defend myself or anyone I care about. I will kill and steal if I have to, and I define when I have to. I believe there are circumstances under which anything and everything is justified. I love my loved ones and I know they love me, but I don't take this as a given nor do I expect it to last forever. One day at a time. My body is pierced and tattooed and I like it that way. I make my own choices, and they are valid for this moment, but if circumstances change, tomorrow's choice may be quite different and I won't feel guilty or bad because of that.

In remaining fluid in our judgment and perceptions, we use the full potential of our tremendous brain. It also saves us lots of stress. Once you stop taking anything as a given and move to a more day to day type approach, you automatically stop worrying about most things. Not careless, just focussed on making the best of the only moment in time we have any influence on: now. Not rebellious, just out of the box. Doubt is a very useful thinking process. If there is one thing I don't doubt.. it's the benefit of doubt.

Christmas

2007-12-20T16:16:00.001+01:00

Some of you may not like what I am about to write here. But it is the truth, and as such, it needs to be told. I hate Christmas. Why? Well.. many reasons. I'm not religious, I think the whole spirit of Christmas is as fake as can be, I'm allergic to prickly trees, and I dislike dumb people in large quantities. But most of all I hate it because this is the time of the year when people gather because it's so.. cozy. What exactly is so cozy about getting together with people you avoid the rest of the year is beyond me, but still, it is what we are supposed to do. The forced happiness, the silly songs, the "awww c'mon, it's Christmas!" being used as a valid reason for anything and everything. The stores, packed to the rafters with stuff we don't need and can't really afford but buy anyhow. People groceries shopping and buying enough to feed an average family for weeks, afraid they may forget to buy that one item that makes Christmas special. And since on Christmas itself the stores will be closed for 2 whole days, one never knows what one might need. Best to be prepared.

And as a parent, you can't get away from it. We don't really celebrate Christmas around this house, but the school makes very sure our kids are brainwashed into believing they need to celebrate it. For weeks they have been learning Christmas songs at school, often to melodies that seem completely random and are impossible to sing. They have made Christmas decorations and brought them home, and I've kind of forgotten to place those in the house and luckily, so have the kids. But, there's more! This is Christmas, and so we need.. festivities! And thus I'm forced to sit in a packed school gym amidst other parents to watch the kids perform a Christmas musical. The good old bible story about Joseph and Mary. A 10 year old girl with a pillow stuffed under her dress playing the virgin Mary. It was actually quite hilarious when she told Joseph; "great news! I am going to have a baby!" and Joseph, clearly not destined to become a great actor, responding "Oh.. great". Mind you, I actually think "oh.. great" is a mild response given the fact the original Joseph had never had sex with his Mary, I bet most men would respond quite differently. But anyhow, I sat through the whole thing, praised my son for lighting his candle (the only role he had in the entire musical) exactly in time, and being glad it was over.
Tonight, we're expected to come to school once more, this time because they are having a "Christmas market". Tons of fun! Hot snacks, prepared on barbeques in the school yard. The smell alone is enough to make you lose your appetite but.. ohyes, lovely, I'll have one of.. well.. that. More Christmas decorations the kids made, only this time we can buy them. (Yeah right, like I would want to pay for.. sigh.. alright, I'll have the purple glittery star please, just what I always wanted).Great gifts like Santa hats with woolen braids attached to them, reindeer antlers with lights, candles hand decorated with.. well.. I honestly have no idea what it's supposed to be. Loud, as in LOUD! Christmas songs played on the school's ancient stereo system and speakers. Ho, ho, ho. And there is no escape, because we're packed together like sheep ready to get slaughtered, all of us parents and our children, pushing through the crowd desperately trying to keep smiling, and trying to motivate ourselves by continuously repeating the "oooh, isn't this wonderful?" mantra to ourselves and anyone we see.

We'll need to stay there for at least an hour else the kids will be very disappointed, because the school has made very sure they're looking forward to this event as if it's as good as Disneyland. (Not that i think Disneyland is that good, but that's an entirely different story). Once back home, I will most likely collapse at my desk and try to deal with the built up stress. So far, I have managed to do so without any additional therapy or professional help, but it is getting tougher each year.

Focus Kitten, focus. Think of the one word that always pulls you through. Say it, over and over again. Ohyes, yess! I take a deep breath and then I say it, out loud:

January

Almost there. All I need to do is hang in there, and January will be. Christmas and everything it stands for survived once more and banished to the dark shelves in the basement where the boxes with the decorations will be. Almost a year to go and recover until the Christmas circus starts all over again.

Practical Magick

2007-11-30T09:19:00.000+01:00

On our way home from school. Two shopping bags and the kids' schoolbags dangling from the steer of my bike as I walk, the kids on either side of me. We all hate this time of the year. It's cold, and gray, and on top of that it's raining. Not very hard, but enough to get soaked during the half hour it takes us to get home. We get to the traffic lights at the big crossroads. The pedestrian light is red, and so we wait. Standing still only makes us feel the cold and the rain even more.

My son mutters. "Dang, I wish it would stop raining." I grin. "True, it's been doing that all day now, the plants have more than enough water. I'll work on it." Then my girl lets out a deep sigh. "This light takes forever to get green. Can't you make it go green?" Her trust in my capacities knows almost no boundaries, but I hear her thinking I won't be able to do it. "Of course I can make it go green." She laughs. "Yeah right, mom". I smile. "Watch." I take a deep breath, narrowing my eyes for a moment, focusing. Then I count, slowly, steadily, out loud and in a voice that displays an absolute belief in my power to do this. "Three.. two.. one.. GREEN!". The very second I say "green" the light turns green.

She gasps. "ohmyGod.. mom! You can really do it! How.. how on earth.." I just smile and lead them across the crossroads but she won't drop the subject. "Tell me!". "Are you sure you want to know? It's really very simple. We pass this point every day. I have watched and learned. So, I knew there are exactly four seconds between the lights on the other side turning red, and our light turning green. All I did was wait until I saw the light over there turn red and count down. Everything else you saw was a distraction."

She giggles. "Oww.. and I really believed you used magick there. You trickster!" We both laugh. Then my son, who has remained silent through it all, speaks. "But it has stopped raining." A wide grin as I cuddle him. "Oh! Yes it has, hasn't it!".

Stray

2007-11-15T10:02:00.002+01:00

I know he is there when I hear him, screaming in our front yard late at night. The sound is not that of a cat at all, somewhere in between the howling of a wolf and the crying of a child. But he is a cat, just a very big, very scared, and very hungry one. I suspect what's driving him out of his hideaway, probably somewhere in the woods surrounding this place, is pure desperation. Hunger, making him overcome his fear. His looks indicate he has been out there for a long time. He has the size of a small dog, thick, rough striped fur and his head is as wide as the rest of his body, making him look like a smaller version of a lynx. We have named him Stray.

It is midnight and freezing cold as I step outside, holding a bowl of catfood. The instant he sees me he dashes to the other side of the front yard, watching me from there, big yellow eyes flickering in the dark. My own cats are outside as well, clearly not happy with the presence of the intruder, hissing at him. He moves even further away, hiding under a car in the street. I shake the bowl and he perks up as the familiar sound of food reaches his ears, and very slowly, belly pressed against the ground, he comes closer again. I crouch, making myself as small as possible. The arm with the bowl stretched out towards him, softly calling him, using my other arm to keep my own cats at a distance. "No" in a firm voice if they come too close, and finally they give up trying and stay several metres behind me, leering.

Suddenly, he's there. Taking a mouthful of food from the bowl and immediately backing off again, swallowing hungrily, hardly taking time to chew. I put the bowl down and he approaches, and for a minute or two I find myself sitting right next to this magnificent creature, crouching with my arms around my knees, not making a move. I watch him eat, while he divides his attention between eating and keeping an eye on me and my cats, hissing at them occasionally. I wonder what he's thinking. Most likely, all he really cares about is the food. Still, behind all the agression I see a nice animal, just very scared, and hardened by the life he is forced to live.

I wonder if he can be tamed. Very slowly, I outstretch an arm towards him, hand open, palm up, showing him clearly there's nothing there to harm him. His eyes narrow but he continues gobbling down the catfood and I leave my hand there, ony a few inches away from him, inviting him to come closer and be petted. He strikes faster than lightning. His front paw lashing out at my hand, long sharp claws bare, breaking my skin. Too late to withdraw, all I can do is move with him and so I move my hand down so his claw doesn't dig as deeply into my flesh as it could have.

I don't make a sound. He is at the other end of the garden again, watching me. Looking straight at him, our eyes meet. With his stomach full and at a safe distance, every bit of fear has vanished from him. Almost majestic he is sitting straight up, yellow eyes flashing. I grin. Foolish girl, whatever made you think he could be tamed and turned into a domestic cat. He may not have chosen the life he is living, but it is where he belongs. And you may feed him, from time to time. Don't expect anything in return, apart from being allowed to revel in his beauty and wildness. When I finally get up to go back inside he takes two big leaps and vanishes from sight. Back to the woods. The house is warm and comfy and my bed awaits. But first.. a bandaid.

Rules for living

2007-11-08T10:20:00.000+01:00

Although I don't identify as belonging to any sort of religion (I take what I like from multiple spiritual directions and disregard the rest) a major part of me is buddhist. Buddhism as a spiritual path primarily means the exploration and development of ourselves. Its spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, is a man of incredible wisdom, yet he always has remained humble, friendly and down to earth. Whenever my life gets rough and I loose my focus, I always find guidance in the 19 simple rules he once wrote down as a guideline to live by. So here they are. For now I'm just posting them, but I will probably comment on them in further posts. Comments from others of course highly appreciated as well.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--- Rules for living - The Dalai Lama

A new blog

2007-11-02T13:20:00.000+01:00

No, I'm not changing blogspots again, I am way too happy simply being me without the hassle of hiding behind a fake identity. But I will be writing for another blog as well. As those of you who know me a little bit may already have gathered, I like the works of Robert Heinlein. And primarily his ideas and thoughts on society, politics, love, jealousy, polyarmory and many other things. So when a friend mentioned he wanted to start a group blog dedicated to discussing Heinlein's ideas I of course wanted to be a part of that. It's just the two of us for now, but maybe over time more people will join in. Anyhow.. here's the link: The Heinlein Blog.

Conversation with my Guardian Angel

2007-10-08T10:51:00.000+02:00

I go downstairs to smoke in the room we use for this purpose and I'm not even all that surprised to find her sitting in the best chair in the room, leaning back, and grinning. I can't help but stare at her legs, shaped to perfection, dangling over the edge of the chair. "Don't ever cross them" she told me a hundred times. "It's bad for your chi and besides, there is nothing there to be ashamed of." I sit down in the other chair.

She grins. "So, how's life?". I mumble a "fine" and she gives me that "cut the crap" look. "Okay well it's not fine. I'm about to terminate another online relationship because it's just not working, I have had the kids home sick for a whole week and the house is a mess and I'm so not looking forward to having to clean that up, it makes me feel like Tantalus carrying water up the hill in a leaking basket and never ever getting to the top because way before he reaches it, the water has all leaked out."
She laughs out loud, this perfect laugh of hers, enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was built for music by the previous owner, a professional violin player.

"Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we". I pout and state I have every reason to. In a split second her face goes from laughter to anger. "No, you don't." I know better than to argue with her, so instead I try to relax in my chair and take the beating that I know is coming. She just looks at me and lights a cigarette, slowly blowing out the smoke in perfect circles. Clearly enjoying it she grins at me. "You should stop smoking, you know that. It's bad for your health and you're a long way from reaching the level where it can't harm you. Too bad really.. these are good." I tell her she's a mean sadist bitch and she smiles. "I know. It's why you love me so much."

She inhales deeply, then looks me straight into the eye. "You are here, because you chose to be here. If this isn't where you want to be, then I suggest you pack your bags, catch a train and go to wherever it is you do want to be. But you won't, because this is who you are, and it's all good. You may think you have a right to feel sorry for yourself but really, that is a totally useless emotion. Learn the lessons, and move on." I sigh and nod. "That is a very easy thing to say, from your point of view. But tell me this. Why is it that more often than not, I end up being neglected by people I care about. Taken for granted, kept waiting, put at the bottom of the priority list? Am I so unsignificant, so not interesting to spend time with?" She laughs. I hate it when she laughs at moments like this. "You are the common denominator in all your failed relationships, dear. And to answer your question as to why? Simply, because you let them."

I shake my head. "No, no, no, NO! You're oversimplifying things again. That isn't how it works. All I need, is a little commitment. Communications. I can take "I won't be here for the next couple of days, because I'm busy elsewhere." I can't take being kept waiting for days in a row without having a clue about why the other person is not around. At least, not when the same person tells me over and over again how much they love me and how important I am to them. I also deal badly with false promises. Doing a no show after telling me they would surely spend time with me that day. Just how friggin' hard is it to at least leave me a "sorry can't make it" message?" I'm fuming. Pure anger, combined with sadness, and it brings tears to my eyes.

For once she doesn't laugh. "Remember the first rule of magic? People are stupid. And what was the first thing you learned when you set out on your path as a warrior? Plug energy leaks. Why do you wait? I'm sure there's tons of useful things you could be doing instead of waiting around for people who, for whatever reason, aren't there when they said they would. Life is a solo challenge. Live it. Enjoy it to the max, and if people want to walk with you that's great, but if not, that should not slow you down. The big mistake you're making over and over again is you depend on other people for your personal happiness. Partly because you feel the need to make them happy too, and partly because even though you have this mighty pair of wings.. you're still afraid to fly. You only do it when you're at the edge of the rock and have no other option left, and by then you have already wasted tons of time and energy on the wrong things."

I growl at her and she blows me a kiss. "More people than you realize care about you a great deal. They will stay with you in one way or another, no matter what you do and where you go. Those are the people that matter. Just be you, and do your things, and everything else will fall into place. Now go clean that house, and your life."

I turn to her. She is gone. I shake my head and laugh, my laughter enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was once built for music. I hear her in there, or do I hear me? There is no difference.

The end?

2007-08-29T22:16:00.000+02:00

Linden Labs has been talking about in in their blog for a while now, but today they officially announced that identity verification is coming to Secondlife.

The purpose of all this would be the fact that minors need to be protected from accessing adult content, like strip clubs, free sex places etc. And of course, lots of people are majorly upset about this new development. I could list the pro's and cons here but frankly, that's been done already on the multiple SecondLife forums by countless people.

What I don't understand are basically two things. Why is it, that these days people are extremely sensitive to anything involving minors watching sex? And what the heck happened to the parents' responsibility here?

Let me elaborate. Sex is a normal, healthy activity amongst adults. Healthy kids will start being interested in it during their puberty. Before that, they'll generally not even want to see it. I still remember how my friend and me would lend books from the library showing pictures of genitals and explaining everything there was to know about sex. We would secretly watch her big brother's porn tapes if no one was home. We were around 14, at the time. We wanted to know, it was a hot topic amongst us teenagers. And I don't see anything wrong with that. Especially if you take into account the fact that graphic violence apparently is okay for kids to watch. Numerous news sites show images and movies of war, destruction, disasters, accidents.. but no one is screaming about how viewing that type of content is bad for kids.

And the parents? Isn't it their responsibility to make sure kids don't play games that aren't meant for them? And shouldn't they be the ones educating kids about sex so the kids don't feel the need to seek that on SecondLife?

Whatever happened to common sense, and taking responsibility instead of throwing law suits?

Oh well. The sad thing is it doesn't surprise me. So< I made another cartoon style picture. Enjoy.

Thank you

2007-08-22T23:16:00.001+02:00

Oma

2007-08-20T09:30:00.000+02:00

"Oma" is Dutch. It means grandmother, but in a very loving, affectionate way. My oma was a very special person. I was 2 years old when my mother left my dad and me. My dad moved back in with his parents, and so it was oma who raised me until I was 5 and my dad remarried. My stepmom and me never got along. I can't count the times oma phoned me to check on me, heard in my voice things at home had turned sour again, and she would get in her ancient red DAF, drive the hour from her house to ours, and as soon as we let her in she would tell me; "You, go get your stuff. I'll talk to your mom." And she would take me with her for a weekend, or longer if I had vacation, and I would get a chance to be away from the stress of living with a stepmother who wasn't ready to have kids and who had no idea how to deal with a highly intelligent (and spoilt rotten) kid outsmarting her in every possible way.. this resulting in her becoming violent.

Oma was an iron lady with a heart. She became a widow at a fairly young age when my grandfather died of cancer. She ruled the family, not always in a pleasant way because she could be very demanding, but she was the one that kept us at least somewhat together when we all became older and each went their own way. Oma's birthday was the one day per year all of us got together. All my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews.. even my brothers and sisters and my father and his wife.. I usually only saw them on oma's birthday. At one point in life I lived only 10 minutes away from oma, and especially during that period I saw her a lot. It was great to be with her, sitting in her huge garden drinking tea, discussing all sorts of things. Her usual comment to my life and my lifestyle was; "well I don't understand much of all those wild things, child.. but I can see you are happy and that is all that matters." When I told her I was divorcing my kids' dad, her response was "Finally! I was wondering how long it would take you to discover he's no good".

Oma was extremely healthy up to a very high age. I still remember phoning her one afternoon, and it took a while before she answered. She must have been in her early eighties, then. When she did answer the phone I apologized and said I didn't mean to wake her from her nap. She almost exploded. "Nap? NAP?? Naps are for old people. I had to climb down the ladder because I was fixing the roof!".

Her biggest fear was to become old, and helpless. She signed several papers stating that if she would become "a vegetable", or totally demented, or too sick to ever recover, she wanted her life to end. She showed me, and probably everybody else as well, those papers. Urged me to help actively end her life, if it ever got to that point. I told her then I wasn't sure I could do that, and she gave me her usual "pfft, of course you can".

At around the age of 90, she did become that old, that demented, and that sick. She was hospitalized and grew weaker and weaker. She didn't recognize anyone anymore. But the doctors would not help her die. Because she wasn't capable of actively stating that was what she wanted, at that point. The papers she signed when she was still very much there, mentally, weren't enough. She slid further and further down, her body weakening, her once so strong mind gone. I haven't seen her during that period. I couldn't bring myself to visiting her. I wanted to remember her the way I knew her: strong, healthy, independent, opinionated. And I knew that, in spite of what she had told me to do if it got to this point, I wouldn't be able to end her life. I could say I couldn't do it because it would surely mean I would end up in jail, since under our laws it would have been murder, and that I didn't want my family to go through that. But I very much doubt I would have been able to do it, even if I had been single. I suppose that makes me a coward.

Why am I sharing all this? Because she died yesterday, at the age of 92. And even though I am tremendously sad, I am also majorly relieved her battle has finally ended.

Oma.. I haven't visited you alot in the past years, and I'm sorry for that. I also know you understand the reasons, and that it had nothing to do with not loving you. You were the closest thing to a mother I have ever had. I will miss you, an awful lot. I know one day we will be together again. Thank you, for everything you did for me, everything you taught me, and for every time you accepted me for who I am without judging, no matter what stupid things I was doing. Rest in peace, you have earned it.

Clicky bits

2007-08-18T01:02:00.000+02:00

As I have mentioned before, I play SecondLife, an online virtual world. One of the things you can do there is.. to have sex. Or rather, watch your avatar and that of your partner have sex. In order to make this experience more realistic, it is possible to buy genitals for your avatar which, when clicked, will pop up a menu letting the clicker choose an action, after which the genitals will respond accordingly by saying something in open chat, in green, to distinguish from the normal chat which is shown in white. So, it will look something like "Frank's Penis whispers: "Ooooh yes baby, I so love it when you do that".

Fun? Well frankly.. whispering genitals freak me out. There is something utterly non erotic about them announcing their being "ready for action" then describing every next step in detail in open chat. Preferably in a public place, so all present get their share of the ultimate joy the wearer is experiencing.

Up to a certain level I can understand scripted bits. I mean, male parts in real life have different states of being, so scripting them in SL for a realistic look according to the mood does make sense to me. But the constant, annoying whispering.. *shudders*.

Granted, they are a fine piece of scripting and fairly well sculpted as far as they are visible but thats all. The built in cyber annoys me to no end. It's bad, and even if you go through the trouble of altering the script and writing the lines for your own genitals, it's still dull and soporific. Sex online already lacks the presence of a warm body to hold and the smell, sound and taste of actual sex. Is it really necessary to also remove the only thing that does remain: creativity and stimulating the mind? Do we really like making out with a preprogrammed virtual version of a rubber doll?

And then of course there is the fact you have to click them to get to the next line in the script. Try that in a laggy environment. Or even in a non laggy environment, but using animation balls. Many positions make it almost impossible to click the correct bits. Try clicking his manhood while having sex with him and find the huge invisible ball that is your own clit majorly gets in the way. This probably is the reason why Xcite, the main vendor of genitals in Secondlife, sells all kinds of scripted body parts. Can't get to his tender bits? Oh well, grab a nipple or pinch an ass. Oh and if you click the ass, don't forget to use the "inserts something warm and hard" option. That one at least leaves room for imagination, although with my twisted mind all the "warm and hard" things that come to mind make me giggle.

And then of course, there is the crescendo of it all. Orgasm! Sending female avatars into facial spasms that in real life would make me run to the phone and call an ambulance, and causing male avatars to create a fountain of sperm the average horse would be jealous of. Ladies, don't forget to try this while being on top of your male partner. There is something extremely hilarious about watching that fountain spring from your own spine. Ohyessss baby, shoot straight through me.

People have tried to convince me the good part about using the clicky bits is the fact you don't have to do as much typing so you have your hands free to do.. well.. other things. This may be true, but if that is the goal.. wouldn't it make much more sense to watch a porn video? Much more realistic and no interruptions from having to click things. Nooooo, say the clicky bits fans, that's no good, because it lacks the interaction. Well excuse me but.. what interaction? The one with the script in the other persons bits? The having to pick an action from the blue pop up menu and the excitement of never knowing which of the very few options the other person will pick next from that same menu? Oh wow *yawn*.

I prefer good, creative cyber over clicky bits any day of the week. Excite my mind and my body will follow. If you can't do that.. don't bother.

Joy

2007-07-24T13:41:00.000+02:00

A scream from the bathroom. "MOM!! I am having my period!" I smile big as she comes running out, straight into my arms. I catch her and hold her close. "Congratulations, I already suspected that would be the reason for your belly aches these past few days. Now remember what I told you about all this, it's nothing to worry out, just a sign you're becoming a woman. Your belly is now officially ready to have babies." She looks up at me and lets out a heartfelt "eeeewww!!" and we both laugh, remembering our last conversation about sex which she ended by going "Mom.. they use that thing to pee with. Why would I want that inside me??"

Twelve years old, entering the next stage of her development. It brings back a ton of memories in me. From the very first time I had my period (I was almost 17, and worried sick I would never become a woman) but also the difficult circumstances under which she was born. The emergency caesarian after only 7 months of pregnancy which brought her into this world, leaving both her and me fighting for our life but winning the battle, against all odds. The surgeon, asking me if I had a name for the baby and me, half conscious, instantly thinking of a name: "If she survives, there is only one name to properly express what I feel.. her name will be Joy". The doctors at the IC for premature babies being majorly concerned and telling us they had no idea what would become of her, but that the chances of her being severely handicapped were large. Her biological father who at that point seriously considered the option of taking her off all the equipment keeping her alive, and letting her die. And me, literally standing in between her and him, speaking the three words I hardly ever use, but if I do it is very obvious I mean business: "No.. fucking.. way." Followed by a much friendlier, but just as certain: "She'll be fine."

And she is fine. Yes, she has PDD-NOS, a form of autism. She is not the average kid and there are many things she'll never be able to do like a "normal" kid. But she is a beautiful, warm, incredibly creative child, who makes the most amazing art and videos on her computer, can sing very well, and has an outlook on life that is simply fascinating to listen to. She works with energies like a fully trained shaman, and all in all she is simply wonderful. I'll be the first to admit she can be extremely tiring as well, needing lots of attention and sucking tons of energy but even though at times I feel drained, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is, and always will be, my pride and Joy.

I.. have.. the power!

2007-07-11T17:57:00.000+02:00

Remember the line I used as the title for this entry? It comes from "He-man, Masters of the Universe". He-Man, the hero of the cartoon, would hold his sword up into the air, shout that line, and the power would run down into the sword straight from the heavens.

I see a similar thing happening online a lot. In SecondLife, the online virtual world I am a part of, there are many self proclaimed rulers. They buy or rent a piece of land, build something on it, declare themselves king, queen or whatever title they assume, and other people will use the facilities thus created and treat the person in charge as if they were indeed a king, queen or the like. And there is nothing wrong with that. Roleplaying can be a great pastime, as long as all involved realize that is what it is: assuming, and playing a *role*.

The trouble begins when self proclaimed rulers aren't really fit to rule. Chances of this happening are large. The fact alone that somebody feels the need to be an online king, says a lot about this person. Well balanced, strong, capable leaders usually have already achieved a leading role in their offline life. They don't need another leading role in an online world, in fact they are glad to just relax online. They also usually don't have the time to be online as often as is required to run a virtual kingdom, fantasy world or city.

More often than not, drama will sooner or later hit the fan in online kingdoms and the like. Occasionally when that happens the people in charge turn out to be good leaders and solve the problems, everybody learns their lesson, and virtual life goes on as usual.
But that is the exception, not the rule. The rule is the insecure, way too emotionally involved self proclaimed rulers will see whatever happens as a personal attack and lash out in anger or sadness. Phase two consists of part of their followers leaving, and another part trying to patch things up. And after that the fate of the online kingdom depends on how fast the ruler is able to bring back balance, primarily within themselves.

Good, well managed online kingdoms will survive most storms. People will come and go, but as long as the concept is solid, the course is clear and the ruler rules without acting like a drama queen (pun intended), there will always be a core group of people who enjoy spending their online time there. But it does take a strong back to carry an online world. If you can't take the heat.. stay out of the Royal kitchen.

What have we done?

2007-06-28T14:21:00.000+02:00

"What have we done to this earth?" is how the lyrics of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" start. I just watched this video on Youtube and it brought tears to my eyes, as well as made me physically sick. I know, nothing new there, and we've been basically destroying the planet and everything good and pure on it from the moment we've been around, still.. ouch.

Just watch that, and tell me you managed to do so without feeling anything. I for one couldn't keep my eyes dry, and apart from invoking tremendous sadness it angers me to no end that we are letting all this happen.

Live Earth on July 7 will be another attempt at raising global awareness, just like Live Aid was, and this time it's about global warming and what we all can do to fight it. See the website for more info. I just hope we will eventually all wake up and stop being the most destructive species this planet has ever known. One can hope, right?

On gourmet sluttism

2007-06-22T12:06:00.001+02:00

It has never been a big secret that I do not believe in monogamy. My marriage is open, and since I don't do monogamy in my offline life, I see no reason whatsoever for being any different online. And so, even though I have a partner I love to bits and back together again, in both versions of my life.. I am free to have sex with whoever I want to have sex with. And I will, when and if I want to.

Because of this, I have been called a slut on many occasions. Does this bother me? Well, somewhat. The term has a ring of negativity to it. A slut is dirty, cheap, easy in most peoples books. The type that will sleep with anyone. Stupid, and therefore indulging in the only thing he/she is good at: spreading them for whoever is interested. And that... is so not me.

First of all, I am far from stupid. A person needs to trigger something in me, by being creative, witty, a great person to be around both inside and outside the bedroom. I need to be able to connect with them on different levels and then sex becomes a natural part of the relationship. I can have sex without that connection and occasionally I will do it, just for the heck of it or because I sense the other person needs it badly, but it's not really interesting nor fulfilling to me. And so, I am also far from easy. The fact I can sleep with anyone I want to sleep with, doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone. Far from it, in fact. I'm quite demanding in what I want to receive in return for what I give, and I honestly think I have a right to, because I have an awful lot to give.

This is why I may often come across as a flirt and a tease and fact is.. I love teasing. But I'm not just doing it because I like it.. I'm also feeling the other person out, trying to discover what they're really after. If it's a quick fix, getting their rocks off not really minding at all who is at the other end of it.. I loose interest instantly. Go surf the mostly flesh colored parts of the net for dirty pictures, download some porn, read a naughty story or whatever, but stop bothering me.

I prefer the occasional exquisite lovemaking over wasting time and energy on having lots and lots of non creative, boring, and therefore totally unfulfilling encounters. Like it or not, I am a gourmet slut.

More mushy poetry

2007-06-22T12:03:00.001+02:00

Senses

I am free
when bound by your ties
and I want you to know

Beautiful
when molded to your liking
and I want you to see

Powerful
when crouching naked
and I want you to feel

The answer
to your fantasies
and I want you to go there

I can lift you up
by kneeling before you

I want you to fly with me
so I can show you
how magnificent the view is
from the top

WIITWD

2007-06-17T15:49:00.000+02:00

Belief system or: WIITWD (What it is that we do)

Having read so many thought provoking posts in multiple blogs here, I feel the need to share some of my thoughts. It may tell you a little bit about how we (where we stands for my partner and me as well as several of our closer friends) think and interact. Fair warning: my ideas have often been perceived as radical so if you are amongst the people who prefer to see love and relationships as beautiful, almost Disney style Beauty & the Beast love stories and get very upset when people say it is otherwise.. please, do not read any further. Also please note that I don't really distinguish between the relationship with my partner and the relationships with others. I love all of them, just on different levels and for different reasons.

The path we have chosen in our dynamics has been greatly influenced by the way we see life and our tasks in it in general, our belief system. We call this the Ordeal Path and no, this is not a religion of any sort, but rather a way of interacting with the people around us, life, and the Universe. It is based on values such as honor, dignity, honesty, being fluid in our perceptions and ways of being, openness, compassion.

An important part of my way of thinking is that there basically are two cycles going on in our lives. One goes from pain to relaxation to pain to.. etc. The other one goes from growth to standing still to growth etc. Now those cycles are parallel. The moments of pain are the moments of growth, and the moments of relaxation are the moments where we stand still in our development, look back and evaluate, and let the lessons that are behind us sink in. Both are neccessary and needed, both are inevitable and thus to be accepted.

Another thing that is vital in understanding the way we think is the fact that we strongly believe we are in each other's life for a reason. Not "just" love, or being friends, or similar interests. We are together because we can offer each other just what it is he/she needs at that particular time. Two halves of a whole, yin and yang, a symbioses that was meant to be. Accepting this means that whatever it is that comes on my path, I will accept it and sooner or later I will discover the lesson that was hidden in there.

Having said that, I also believe that life is a solo quest. This may seem contradictory to the yin/yang statement I made earlier, but it really isn't. The symbiosis is a constantly changing dynamic, not a static situation. We interact with people in the way that is best at any given time and under the circumstances but as the dynamic changes, so do we and thus the energy between us. Other people may accompany us on the path for shorter or longer periods of time but in the end, we and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

For that very reason I do not trust my loved ones. I love and accept them as they are instead. They are human beings after all and to trust them is to place faith in a mythical outcome and hold them responsible for that outcome. They are not responsible for it or for me. If they chose to do things I do not want to be a part of, or if their deeds cause me to not want them in my life anymore, then that is my decision to take. I will not be angry nor sad, I will simply move on.

Many people have tried to convince me of their truth and told me what they thought was appropriate behavior. I have taken what I thought was good and discarded the rest. I do not believe that "the" truth exists. There is only perception. My dreams are as real to me as my everyday life, the dragons and demons I have met are as true as the neighbors and the butcher. My beliefs and actions, the way I choose to live my life and the things I do because of that are as good as anyones and no one has the right to label them as "wrong", "dangerous" or whatever *to me*. They may very well be wrong or dangerous to others, but they are mine.

There is a lot more I could say about all this but for now I think this is enough. All I can add is that living this way has proven to be right for us so far and has pulled us through difficult situations that would have been devastating or even killing to others. It is not an easy path. But as dark, windy and dangerous as it is at times... it also leads along the highest mountain tops and has provided us with insights and beliefs we would never want to live without.

Feel free to comment on anything I have written here. Your thoughts are highly appreciated.

Cuddle pile

2007-06-13T14:34:00.000+02:00

As soon as I open the front door the kids run past me and inside the house, leaving me on the doorstep holding my bike which has two heavy shopping bags hanging from the steer. I growl and manage to lift the bags off the bike, carry them inside, then park my bike in the hallway.

Once I have closed the door behind me I take a bag in each hand and make my way into the kitchen. I can hear the kids in the living room upstairs, laughing and screaming and running around on the wooden floor, making so much noise it hurts my ears. I'm tired, I'm hot, my bad knee hurts from the long walk home, I'm hungry, need to put the groceries away and make lunch. Taking another few steps into the kitchen I almost trip over the kids' schoolbags, left in the middle of the floor. I kick them aside and am about to yell something very unfriendly upstairs as something red and furry slides along my shins, forcing me to instantly come to a full stop, waving my arms with the shopping bags to prevent myself from falling over.

"Rascal!" I yell at the cat and he looks up at me, giving me one of those "whot??" looks. Ignoring my obvious anger he keeps rubbing against my legs, purring loudly. It's impossible to stay mad at a cat if they act like that. Soon, Jake and Elwood join in. We named the striped tabby twins after the Blues Brothers and often tell each other they share 3 brain cells between them. Two pairs of yellow eyes gaze up at me, giving me adoring looks not cluttered by any sort of intelligence. A purring choir now surrounds my ankles and I surrender, putting the bags on the floor then carefully making my way to the big old sofa in the kitchen.

They jump me the instant I sit down, one in my lap, the other two next to me on the sofa, all three of them purring loudly, rubbing their faces against me, tails up in the air. A fourth cat joins in and soon we become one big cuddle pile on the sofa, petting and rubbing and purring. The bags with the groceries forgotten on the kitchen floor.

After a few minutes my son comes walking down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and finding me there, on my back on the sofa with a big grin on my face and four cats on top of me. "Ehm mom.. are you okay?" he asks. I laugh and nod and assure him I'm just fine.

Cuddle piles are the greatest. And if you have no cats: it works miracles with humans, too.

Poly People

2007-06-12T16:38:00.000+02:00

Often, when I mention the fact I am polyamorous, people respond by saying things like "oh cool, so you guys sleep with other people too?" and similar statements. For some reason people primarily think it's a sex thing. Well, I like sex, a lot even.. but that really isn't what being poly is all about.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good definition: "Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."

So yes, we can sleep with other people without having to worry about our partner getting jealous or upset. But what's far more important is that we are fully capable of loving, truly loving, multiple people at the same time.

It takes a special type of person to be able to be in this type of relationship. One needs to be rather self secured and not become jealous, feel abandoned or "not good enough" to be able to deal with a partner who is falling in love with someone else. One also has to be independent from ones partner and not see them as the center of ones universe. Enjoying without claiming nor holding them responsible for our happiness.

Getting there is a struggle which may take quite some time. Society tells us monogamy is the norm, and anyone desiring other partners is a lustful sinner who should burn in hell, or various other places depending on the specific religion. As always, truth and normalcy are in the eye of the beholder, and I strongly believe that ultimately we can only be our own judge. We should do what is right *for us* and what makes *us* happy (as long as we don't harm other people or break any laws). I personally learned a lot from reading Heinlein and from talking and talking and then some with my husband and various other people who had been poly much longer than me. And then of course from actually living this way.

Yes, it takes a lot of work on yourself and there will be tears along the way. Getting rid of layers of society induced bullshit as we call it can't be done without at times feeling pain. But if you can do it, and are capable of sharing in the joy rather than going insecure and sad, it is also one of the most magnificent feelings and deepest realizations of being connected to a person. When I'm having problems with a lover, my husband is the first one I'll talk to, and he'll listen and give his ideas, comfort, and he will be as happy as I am when things get worked out between me and the other guy. And when he tells me about someone he's starting to really fall for, and I see the twinkle in his eyes and that wide grin I love so much.. all I feel is a warm, deep love for this man, happiness, and peace of mind.

Oh, and the sex is great, too ;)

On Dragons

2007-06-11T14:11:00.001+02:00

I have this big thing for dragons. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by them. Dragons were amongst the first things I was making drawings of, and as soon as I started developing (or rather: refinding) my spiritual side they were amongst my favorite companions as I started to learn how to shift dimensions while dreaming and traveling. I have a big dragon tattooed on my upper back. (see image, yep, that's my back) .

In SecondLife, I am a part time dragon. A huge white one to be precise, because that's what my dragon looks like. I love playing the dragon. Partly because it's a great character to roleplay (my dragon is a tad arrogant when speaking with them silly humans, loves to watch them struggle as she confronts them with their weaknesses, plus at times I simply like to be something else than a pretty redhead. Visiting friends who ask me over and appearing as the dragon while they expect the redhead is.. well, fun, to say the least :))

I found an online test about inner dragons and it confirmed what I already knew: white. Here's what it stands for:

If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, your Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism). Though you might find that neat in passing, it's not really what a White is all about. You like to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. Your favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, reaching for spirituality, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear you when they stray into your domain without proper payment for passage. Of course, that payment would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through your turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever threatens you, your Inner Dragon would likely tell you to hit and run, or just plain run. If they really wanted a fight you'd be an impressive opponent, considering you pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage.

Hmmz, any dark evil black dragons out there up to the challenge? ;)

Watch me fade

2007-06-11T13:46:00.000+02:00

Sometimes, when feeling extremely good or extremely bad, I write songs to express myself. Here's one of my songtexts, hope you like.

Watch me fade

Please allow me to explain
how the fact I don't raise hell nor put up fights
doesn't mean you have me indefinitely
You may take me for granted
but watch me

Watch me as I slowly dissolve
all that binds me to you
I have cried too many nights
Waited in vain too often
and I will stop the hurting
just watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Better know I will refrain
from kicking and screaming.. I don't sink that low
the fact I won't fight doesn't make me weak
I just pick my battles
you watch me

Watch me as the distance grows
can you still see me?
Well maybe it is not too late
Maybe you will learn
to finally appreciate
and watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Watch me fade
This one too will make me stronger
Now that I'm done
I'm gone

Second Crack

2007-06-07T23:26:00.000+02:00

I play SecondLife and have been doing that for a while now. I like it, when it's working. Recently though, it's been down, bugged, slow, laggy and whatever a lot. It has greatly diminished my enjoying this virtual world, on the other hand I'm way too addicted to it to quit.

And so I sit, grind my teeth as my client crashes once more, my objects won't appear in game, teleporting anywhere fails and and and.. you get the point. Luckily, there is the blog, the one place where Linden Labs (the guys responsible for keeping the whole thing running, using paperclips and rubber bands if you ask me) somewhat communicate with their user base. Today it told us:

[UPDATE 11:51 PM] It turns out fixing search is going to take more than initially thought, it will probably be down for most of the night. We apologize for the inconvenience and will have a team of crack Operations people patching it up in the morning.

Oh wow. Crack operations people. Not just operations people but.... crack operations people. I wonder if that is what they're on and what makes them ignore our questions, requests for help, and general feeling of being unhappy with the game. But that's not the point. I sat and wondered about who these people were for a while, then Don came online. And he had the answer. This crack team has been filmed.

So, here they are, Linden Labs one and only.. Crack Operations Team.

Status Drama

2007-06-06T18:06:00.000+02:00

Lately, I've stumbled upon a strange phenomenon I just can't seem to get my head around. What is it that makes people decide their Yahoo/MSN/Gtalk/whatever messenger service status indicator is THE place to show the world how bad they feel?

I mean.. I use status indicators, like "Fetching kids & groceries, brb" or "not at my desk" or "cleaning house, please disturb". I do that so my friends know what I'm up to and to give a rough indication of when I'll be back. But why on earth would anyone feel like having "Hurting, please leave me alone" as their status? Or "Pissed, go away" or "Friendship is an illusion" combined with a busy icon. I don't get it.

If you feel that bad, why log onto a Messenger service at all? And if you do, why mention your state of mind in your status almost screaming your pain at the world, but at the same time saying you want to be left alone?

What's really at work here is reversed psychology if you ask me. What those messages really say is: "I do want you to message me, very carefully, ask me how I am and I will at first act a bit reserved, then whine for an hour, then tell you I really don't want to speak with anyone. And you'll feel double lousy, once because you did message me even though I told you not to, and again because my life is so terrible right now". Drama queenism, to the max. And I for one am not gonna fall for it.

Feel lousy, wanna talk? Then talk. I can deal just fine with a "Feeling like shit here, I so need a hug" message. You'll get that hug, instantly. But the drama queens resorting to status indicator guerilla tactics I will fully and bluntly ignore. Unless they do it too often, then I will remove them from my list.

Yet another personality test

2007-06-02T15:46:00.000+02:00

I have this thing for personality tests. I love taking them, just to see if the outcome is something I recognize myself in. This time, I took the one at similarminds.com. Here are the results, just for shits & giggles.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|	16%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Conflict seeking	\|\|	10%
Need to dominate	\|\|	10%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|	16%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Indie	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	61%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Bladders of Gor

2007-05-29T23:30:00.000+02:00

A short piece I wrote as a parody on the Gor Novels by John Norman, from which countless people use quotes in their profiles, on websites etc. I actually think he's a lousy writer, and the way his followers have made what was meant to be a series of science fiction novels into a cult is scary to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for D/s and even consentual slavery, but please, don't take yourself too seriously. Anyway.. enjoy ;)

He looked her over, a knowing smile on his face. She wiggled a bit, moving her weight from one leg onto the other, looking up into His eyes for a moment, hers almost begging.... then lowering them once more. Her hand slowly slid along her belly, lower, until it reached the inside of her thigh and then that familiar spot. She rubbed without even realizing she was doing it, her movements faster now, squirming almost as if she were dancing, her rosy skin moist. He smiled big. "well now, is it the fire in your belly causing you to want nothing more, than to please me, girl?" She bit her lower lip, silence, then a soft whisper. "No Master but.. a girl would so love to know where Your bathroom is".

Bladders of Gor, page 257

Favourite Quotes

2007-05-28T14:29:00.000+02:00

Here's a bunch of my favourite quotes. I like them for various reasons and collected them over time. They tell you a lot about my outlook on life. So here goes, another shred of my soul... as written by others far more eloquent than myself.

"Impossible is a word humans use too often."
--- Seven of Nine in StarTrek Voyager

"Nils Illigitimus Carborundurum" (never let the bastards grind you down)
Aussie Latin proverb

"To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."
--- Sun Tzu in "The art of War"

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, His pleasure, His Desires, His life, His work, His sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I dont mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh God, as a woman i want to be Dominated. I dont mind being told to stand on my own two feet, not to cling to all that i am capable of doing but I am pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at His time, His Bidding......"
--- Anais Nin

"Being powerful is like being a lady, if you have to say that you are then you're probably not"
--- M. Thatcher.

"Dream as if you'll live forever... live as if you'll die today."
--- James Dean

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--- Rules for living - The Dalai Lama

"Those who practice and promote Political Correctness are doing a service to society,
as I need to know who to shoot when we take over."
--- Borgia

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
--- William James

"Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."
Anonymous Dragon

"Truth gains more even by the errors of one who, with due study and preparation, thinks for himself, than by the true opinions of those who only hold them because they do not suffer themselves to think."
--- John Stuart Mills, On Liberty

"Let me test my mettle against your ambition... let me be the wall you drive into, I will be the one who will weather the storm, not because I love you, but because I can, and for that you will love me.
I am no hero and I am certainly not a martyr... I crave the challenge, it validates my own identity as a power house."
--- Anonymous

"He who is not busy being born is busy dying"
--- Bob Dylan

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
--- Marcus Aurelius

"Wisdom without kindness and knowledge without sobriety are useless."
--- The Fire from within, Carlos Castaneda

"Tunnel vision should never be confused with having a view."
--- Anonymous

"The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule."
--- H.L. Mencken

"I will always be honest with you...and you will either love me or hate me. But at least if you hate me, it will be for who I truly am, not for who I pretend to be."
--- Anonymous

"The most severe disability a person could possibly have can not be seen
on the physical body or heard by the physical ear... But it comes from within...
The most severe disability a person could possibly have is a
negative attitude, because you are saying, it's not possible, it's not true,
but worst of all, you're saying, you can't."
--- Anonymous

"There are two kinds of strengths:
the strength to lead,
and the strength to follow;
the strength to control,
and the strength to yield.
There are two kinds of power:
the power to strip another's soul bare,
and the power to stand naked."
--- Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
--- Theodore Roosevelt

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."
--- Confucius

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
--- Bill Cosby

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
--- John Lennon

"People will always talk about you, especially when they envy you and the life you live. Let them... you affected their lives, they didn't affect yours."
--- Anonymous

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it's a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved."
--- William Jennings Bryan

"I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying."
--- Michael Jordan

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
--- Margaret Mead

"Man does not cease to play because he grows old, he grows old because he ceases to play."
--- Drew Lachey

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former."
--- Albert Einstein

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
--- Anonymous

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--- Dr. Suess

"Excellence can be achieved if you . . . risk more than others think is safe, love more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical, and expect more than others think is possible."
--- Anonymous

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
--- Anonymous

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
--- Oscar Wilde

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
--- Mother Theresa

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
--- Anonymous

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
--- Albert Einstein

"Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened."
--- Winston Churchill

"Worrying is like being in a rocking chair, It gives you something to do but does not get you anywhere."
--- Anonymous

"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away."
--- Tom Clancy

"Enter every activity without giving mental recognition to the possibility of defeat. Concentrate on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses . . . on your powers, instead of your problems."
--- Paul J. Meyers

"Failure is not fatal. Only failure to get back up is."
--- John C. Maxwell

"By the time you are old enough to know that your parents were right, you have children of your own that think you are wrong."
--- Anonymous

"Most relationships are not made in heaven. They come in kits and you have to put them together yourselves."
--- Anonymous

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear not absence of fear."
--- Mark Twain

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
--- Erin Majors

The Invitation

2007-05-26T18:00:00.000+02:00

I found this somewhere on the Internet and it left me speechless. So, thought I'd share it here as well. To me, this is the essence of connecting with people.

The Invitation - by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Ravin' Mad

2007-05-22T17:02:00.000+02:00

Many if not most of the friends I have made over time, online as well as in real life, are amongst the people that would be considered crazy, mad, mentally ill and various other wordings by society as a whole. They have either been diagnosed with mental illnesses according to the DSM IV bible, or people consider them mad because they think and act differently than most other people. They don't fit the general public's picture of "normal", and as a result of this they have often had, and at times are still having, a difficult life.

The funny thing is that "mad" seems to be something largely depending on the standards of the people surrounding the "mad" person. It is largely defined by cultural and social standards, it depends on where and when the "mad" person lives and who they interact with. There is also a thin line between being considered mad, and being considered a genius and ahead of one's time. Both Newton and Einstein for instance were considered raving lunatics by society during their time. Nowadays we see them a lot different. A shaman, interacting with spirits, healing the sick both physically and mentally is seen as a holy man by his tribe.. but if I told my doctor I do the very same thing I may very well end up in a mental hospital where they will do their very best to convince me there is no such thing as talking with the spirits, diagnose me with schizophrenia and stuff me with pills that make those weird ideas go away. Truth, as always, is in the eye of the beholder.

So why am I writing all this? because I wanted to tell you I am extremely grateful for all the "mad" people I have the honor of calling my friends. I salute them, for having the guts to be different. I watch them fight their demons, from a distance or sometimes from very close by because I am a part of that struggle and fight by their side. I stand in awe listening to their out of the box ideas, their perceptions that at times have helped me a tremendous lot with mine. I admire their courage as I watch them deal with things that are impossible to deal with as they go through deep depressions, manic periods, terrible nightmares. I am as over the moon as they are when they tell me about sightings, new connections, battles they have won and the light they discovered at the end of the tunnel. And most of all.. I admire their warmth. The warmth that can only be felt from people who are real, true to themselves, facing both the darkness and the light inside them. Ravin' mad people are the best.

Tarzan

2007-05-19T14:30:00.000+02:00

I wrote this piece a while back for a Dutch website on female sexuality and thought I would share it here, too. Enjoy!

Tarzan

I have never been into vibrators. Never seen what's so exciting about shoving a buzzing thing inside my most tender bits. Don't get me wrong, I like sex a lot and can keep on going for hours in a row. Masturbation can also be extremely good but I prefer the old fashioned way.. I have two hands and I know how to use them. No vibrating plastic for me, thank you very much.

Until a friend came to visit. Her hair a mess, stars in her eyes. And an hour late. "It's because of Tarzan" she said. At first I thought she had a new boyfriend, but it soon turned out the jungleman she was speaking of was a vibrating substitute. Although, substitute... Much, much better according to her. Cumming like a train over and over again. I saw that familiar glow in my Love's eyes and could see the mental image in his mind: me, using a thing like that, having orgasm after orgasm. A show he was clearly looking forward to.

And so I wasn't really surprised when the next day he came home carrying one of them unsuspicious suspicious looking bags from the sex shop and another bag filled with so many batteries they could provide sound and movement to my kids' toys for the next couple of months. But it was clear that was not what they were for. From the sexshop bag emerged my new lover. "Black Tarzan" it said on the box, and once freed from the box he turned out to have brought some friends. Tarzan himself was in the middle, looking like a cross eyed alien with an anatomically utterly incorrect head. Behind him, some sort of worm was sticking out of the block the whole thing was attached to. And in front of him, facing him, was a retarded monkey with a very, very long pointy tongue. I provided Tarzan and his petshop with the necessary batteries and then started test round one while my Love was supervising the whole thing.

Tarzan was a bit of a sticky character made out of very soft rubber. One slider on the block was for controlling Tarzan himself, who as soon as the whole thing was switched on started rotating his hips like a Hawaii dancer. The other slider controlled the monkey, and as soon as that one was switched on it broke into a heavy attack of Parkinsons and started trembling all over. The worm was somewhat vibrating along with all that. Anal stimulation for women still is an area largely unexplored.

I pushed Tarzan's alien head where it belonged. This automatically placed the monkey's tongue in the correct position: right on top of my clit. The worm was doing something vague around the back but hey, one look at him was enough to know he was never going to achieve anything substantial anyhow.

Now this was something. Gently, very gently I moved both sliders up towards a medium position. The whole thing came alive. Tarzan danced his dance and made an awful lot of noise, the monkey was doing it's best but all in all it wasn't brilliant. Allrighty, on to plan B. Both sliders, to the max. I was going to tame jungleman and have my way with him, him and his illegal pets. I was going to make him sweat and work for it.

Full speed now. Tarzan himself moaned, turned and buzzed even louder and the whole block started moving. The monkey was now digging into my tender flesh like mad, its razorsharp tongue creating a sensation much like my dentists polishing machine. It took me less than a minute to reach an orgasm that wasn't all that good and primarily painful. And I had to shut off the vibrator right after that because once the rush was gone all it caused me was incredible pain.

Come on girl, stay with it. I must be doing something wrong here. Start slowly, increasing speed slowly. After all, cars have to be broken in too, so the same probably goes for this thing. Yawn. My jungle lover had never even heard of decent foreplay. This was soporific. But as soon as speed was set to one notch higher he made the same mistake he made earlier. Full speed to the finish, painfully good but most of all painful, burning, itchy!

Burning? Itchy? Removed the whole thing and thoroughly examined the place it had been in. Bright red all over. Rinsing it with lots of water helped some, but not much and the burning and itching continued. It lasted for days. Allergic to the sticky type of rubber the whole thing was coated with. And so, apart from being a lousy lover, Tarzan turned out to have given me an ETD. Dickhead.

Weeks later he was given another chance. A condom over his head. Which didn't help, because his pets are made of the same material and once more the experiment caused me lots of misery. And I wasn't all that enthusiastic about the illustrious three to begin with.

I broke up with him. I was all out of love. My significant other, who at first had watched the whole thing grinning but didn't like the results any more than I did, totally agreed. Maybe I am spoiled rotten sexually, unable to enjoy the joys of jungle love any longer. I really don't know. But the conclusion is crystal clear: You Tarzan.. me definitely not Jane.

A song in my heart

2007-05-15T20:34:00.000+02:00

I love music. I always have. In my moments of sadness, it is music that brings a smile back on my face. In my moments of utter joy, it is music that makes me dance and express what I feel. When I worry, have a problem I can't seem to solve, feel something I cannot quite put to words.. there's always music, a song on the radio making me see where to go or what to do, somebody whistling a tune that suddenly makes me realize what's going on or find the solution I was looking for.

I also communicate an awful lot through music. When my kids feel down I will play them happy songs. When I want to tell a friend or a beloved one something but find no words to do so, music will often provide what I need to get the message through. For quite some time I was an Internet DJ, providing music for a dance club in an online game I play. People there often told me what I played was just what they needed at that moment. I guess that is the empath in me at work, sensing the mood and coloring it with music, enhancing it, or balancing it.

So why is it so friggin' hard to express what I feel right now? Why am I sitting here, browsing through the thousands of MP3's on my harddisk, unable to find a single one that says it all? Playing bits of many songs, only to find myself hitting the stop button over and over again. Noooh, that's not it, noooh, not even remotely close, no, no, NO!

Why? Because this time it's different. This time, there is a connection deeper than anything I have experienced before. Not a crush, not a feeling of falling in love head over heels instantly. This is wanton lust mixing with profound friendship, a cuddle and a primal roar, waves crashing and motionless understanding, one blending into the other and all equally good. Warm and deep and scary as hell because it goes straight to my core, through all the shields surrounding it as if they weren't even there. I try to fight it, deny it, wondering where he got the keys only to find that since I am the only one who has them it must be me who gave them to him, somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, without even realizing it.

Wondering, pondering.. then realizing it really is not all that important why. And that no matter how hard I try to fight it or reason it away, he is under my skin. Belonging there somehow. Making me whole by being an equal, giving me as much as I give him. Awakening what has been asleep for a long time. Bringing me to life.

And suddenly I find the song I want to hear. It's by Evanescence, one of my favourite bands. I have heard it numerous times before but this time the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. That's my soul crying out and the call being answered.

Hmmz, smiling again. Thank gawd for music.

Things we would at times like to say, but won't.

2007-04-29T18:45:00.000+02:00

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. That isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different
41. Do you teach Ebonics or just practice it?
42. I like that outfit. My Redneck Barbie has one just like it.
43. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery.
44. Somebody shoot (him/her) and put me out of my misery.

Many rivers to cross

2007-04-19T20:57:00.000+02:00

While sitting here, listening to Joe Cocker singing his fantastic version of "Many rivers to cross" I cannot help but wonder what is happening to this world.

So much violence, war, hatred and destruction is going on. In their hunger for power governments all over the world are taking decisions that only lead to more violence, more hatred and thus more war and destruction. People are starving while others have more money than they will ever be able to use for themselves. We are killing each other, killing this planet and it seems as if we all think this is perfectly normal and perfectly okay. We have become numb, living our own life as well as possible, and trying to ignore what is happening to the rest of the world.

We, all of us, have been poisoned. Nobody knows when and how exactly and the poison is non tracable and very slowly working. But it is in our veins and it is killing us. And meanwhile it is making us insensitive to all the badness that is going on. Oh yeah, another murder, another town blown to bits, another country dying of a killing disease. Yeah, it's terrible, what's for dinner?

There is an antidote. It is very easily obtainable, in fact we all already have it in us and all we need to do is activate it and it will start breaking down the poison. Its name is hope. Hope for a future, hope for humanity to finally come to its senses, hope for the planet to be saved before its destruction has reached the point of no return. Hope has the power to make things work, and to make people work together towards solutions and a future.

Unfortunately, many of us have already lost hope. You can see it in their eyes, notice it in the way they continue living without a meaning. The poison has numbed them, and they are asleep. Asleep... but not dead yet. And they can be woken.

All it takes, is for someone to give them a real good shake. Someone who has hope, and is able to light a spark of hope in another person. Just like the poison is spreading like a disease, so can hope do the same thing. Many of us may have lost hope, but that does not mean humanity as a whole has no hope left.

Look around you. See the people that keep on fighting, keep on inspiring others, helping others, teaching and guiding and showing the way. They are everywhere. From the friend that lends an ear or a shoulder to the spiritual leaders of this world. From the teenagers that somehow kept their faith in truth and honor to the people that left their home and their country to go and help other people under often impossible circumstances. Charity organizations, rescue workers, social workers with a heart. Fundraisers, musicians and other artists bringing the message through their work.

This world is full of hope! We just need to see it. And once we do, we have a responsibility to spread it. Fight for it, make people aware, light that spark that can be lit in each and every one of us, hidden under all the numbness. It can be done. And I trust that it will be done. But it is a lot of work. And it will take a lot of time, and effort. Or, as the song goes: Many rivers to cross.

Green

2007-04-11T20:10:00.000+02:00

Thursday morning.

Slowly, she emerges from her bedroom, stumbling down the stairs to the kitchen where I am busy making breakfast and preparing the school bags.

"Good morning, Joy"

She mumbles something.

"Start getting dressed, love, I put your clean clothes on the sofa here. I'll be right with you to help you." She takes the small pile of clothes, consisting of pants, sweater, socks, underpants and a t-shirt and puts the t-shirt and underpants aside.

"the clean underwear too, Joy"

A deep frown, she grumbles.

"Is something wrong?"

Silence.

Then: "I don't want to wear this t-shirt. Nor these underpants."

Sigh. Owdear. I'm barely awake, my brain still running in slow motion, but still I am expected to find out what exactly is wrong with the underwear. To ask her directly is not gonna work I fear, but I try anyhow.

"What's wrong with this underwear?"

An angry face, more frowning, and then a response that tells me nothing. "I don't want to wear it".

Think, Kit. What are you overlooking here?

"Sweetheart.. I have cut out all the labels so those can't bother you. I have washed it already, so it doesn't smell like the store anymore and it feels nice and soft. It is wonderful, brand new, soft cotton, I really don't see anything wrong with it".

She looks at me as if I am a total idiot.

"I want to wear this t-shirt, the one I am wearing now, or the other one that is exactly the same".

"Girl.. you've been wearing this one for 2 days now, and the other one is still in the hamper. I bought you new underwear because you always wear those 2 sets only, and I simply can't always wash them in time. And again.. there is nothing wrong with this underwear".

Once more she shakes her head, giving me this "you're so stupid" look. "It's green".

For a split second, I am speechless. Then, I erupt. "But the t-shirt and underpants you are wearing now are green, too!!"

"That is a different type of green".

"On the contrary, it's the exact same green, it just hasn't been washed as many times, it's new but trust me, it's exactly the same type of green".

She puts it back on the sofa as if it's some sort of dirty dead animal and scampers off to the walk in closet.

"What are you going to do?"

"Fetch new underwear"

It's now very late and there is no way we are going to make it to school in time. I decide to stop arguing with her, for now.

When she returns with a set of underwear she apparently does want to wear, I once more have to sigh deeply.

"Joy.. this T-shirt is very old and way too short, and those underpants have a hole in them."

She shrugs. "I want to wear those".

Despair, pure and utter despair and so I try again, even though I should know better. "But.. why????"

She shakes her head and smirks at me. "Mom.... THIS underwear.. is not green!"

Grin

2006-12-29T05:51:00.000+01:00

After tidying up and doing some chores around the house I finally flop down at my desk. Morning coffee time. One of the moments during the day when I still miss my cigarettes, sometimes. I read my Email, pop on SecondLife for a moment to check my sales and log off again before people notice I'm there and start IMing me. I still have tons of work left to do around the house.

As always when alone in the house, I play music. My music, undisturbed by anyone or anything. No loud cartoons, TV shows, battle sounds from various computer games, screaming kids or hubby telling me "you really must hear this" ( but I really don't wanna) stories. Just me, my surround system, kickass sound card, and lots and lots of wonderful songs. What I play depends largely on my mood. Lately, it's primarily the quieter music. Rock ballads, lots of native American music (check out Robbie Robertson, people), Enigma, Deep Forest, ambient and lounge music.

Shakira's "Underneath your clothes" brings a wide grin to my face. Its lyrics somehow remind me of him. As do countless other songs. If I were still DJing, I'd dedicate them to him. Her latest album is something special though and so I play more songs from it. "Ready for the good times" is another track that makes me smile big. Great lyrics:

"Cause every day there's a war to fight
and if I win or lose nevermind
as long as you're my shelter every night"

I've been dreaming a lot, lately. I vaguely remember being in the forest last night, its colors, the way it smells, the sounds.. No details really, or even what the dream was about, just an overall feeling of *grin*. Oh well, *grin* is good.

Onto more cleaning house. Life isn't so bad, at all.

New perspectives

2006-11-30T02:06:00.000+01:00

Yes, my last blog post was a bit negative. Thank you to the people who responded to it, telling me I am not alone and that they too at times feel like that. It helps. And I dont always feel that way. In fact, over the past few days multiple things have happened that made me realize that, even though I have my FU all moments.. I kind of like life, still.

And right now, I actually cant wait to get on SL and catch up with several friends I've been neglecting because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Today has taught me to see things from a whole new perspective. Today I have seen the light, and all the beauty that can be found if only you re willing to see. Why? Because today, I did the one thing that will purify the soul, no matter how bitter about life it may be. I went to an amusement park. By car, with 2 kids. Oh, but that is fun! you may say? Well.. let me elaborate.

We got up at 8. Which, since its summer vacation here, is plain torture in itself. By then, the kids had been up for at least an hour, and they had decided to make their own bread and drinks to take with them in the car. And so I didnt have to worry about doing that anymore. I just had to clean up the complete mess in the kitchen but oh.. well. We had coffee, trying to wake up, while the kids were running around gathering stuff they absolutely needed. And so, by 9, there was a pile of bags next to the front door, containing food, drinks, sweets, swimsuits, towels, books, toys, and several other non identified items that absolutely needed to be on the car.

Loaded all that into the car, managed to squeeze the kids and ourselves in, as well, and left. It was an 1.5 hours drive, and of course after about 30 minutes the kids discovered some critical items in the no further specified category that were absolutely needed for the trip had been left behind. But we managed to ignore the crying, screaming and begging and boldly drove on, to our destination. Once we reached that, the fun was really going to begin. Parking went reasonably well, the long walk from the parking to the entrance was okay, and then looooooong lines of people queueing up to get in were.. well.. long. I honestly dont know how we manage to do it every time again, but whenever we go to an amusement park, we always seem to pick the same day multiple families consisting of Mr Moron, Ms Heavily Overweight and their little inbreds have chosen too. Its like they have this reunion thing going on with all the people that were ever on the Jerry Springer Show, and we end up in the middle of that. Trying to keep our calm. Which is friggin hard, with an autistic girl who all by herself is quite capable of ruining the day in a split second. Really, we dont need any outside help for that.

Anyhow, we got in, drove through the safari park by car, seeing lots of wild animals, had our car licked by a giraffe and our tires examined by an ostrich, had lunch in one of the park restaurants, and spent the rest of the day in the "Fun City" part of the park which basically is a huuge playground, beach, trampolines, kid carts etc. The kids had fun, Ron did too although a day like this is hard on his sore leg and ditto back, and I tried to make the best of it. Yes, I am somewhat of an antisocial, I don't like being around people, and large doses of them make me grumpy. Especially if they ram my ankles with their buggies, shove me aside when standing in line for an attraction using their humongous butts as a wedge, and force me to pull my girl out of a moving giant stride because some asshats kept pulling the ropes that kept the whole thing moving, even though my daughter was screaming "stop! I can't hold on much longer". (That was a spectacular action though. The thing was on the beach, and so I did a jump/grab the girl/roll over in the sand to avoid the rest of the seats zooming over our heads. By the time we were safely away from the machine she looked at me and said: wow mommy.. you looked like an FBI agent pulling somebody away from a bullet.. lol)

We had dinner in a restaurant on the way back, and finally got home exhausted, dirty, and some 200 Dollars poorer. And so now, after coffee and tucking the kids in, I am gonna get on SL, and enjoy life and friendship.

All in all.. Life isn't so bad. And any of you doubting this statement: try amusement park therapy. It works miracles.

My turn

2006-11-20T13:39:00.000+01:00

A lot is happening in my life right now. My RL husband is home sick again for an indefinite period of time. Burnout, depressed. And so I hardly ever have the house to myself, and my "me" time is diminished to brief moments when he is not sitting here right next to me, but instead went out to take the kids to school, see the doctor, and similar moments. I find myself struggling once more, and inside the despair and the anger build up. At times I want to yell, scream, throw things against the wall. An all consuming feeling of Leave Me The Fuck Alone takes over. I hardly ever DJ, because I need peace of mind, and a reasonable amount of silence around me when I do. Then the moments of despair become more frequent. I start taking meditation classes to find the peace and balance I so desperately need. Talk to friends and one of them tells me I have to stop being such a fucking coward and follow *my* path. EXcuse me?? I am setting everything that is me aside because I have to, I struggle and fight on and always put my own needs last on the list, and he calls me a coward??

I think about it for quite a few days. And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. It has to stop. I have to indeed walk my path, do my things, be me the way I am meant to be me. I have to stop trying to control everything around me, plug every leak in everybodys life, realize this family can very well survive an evening or even longer without me if need be, and demand time for myself, my needs, my goals, my dreams. Set limits, and not have them crossed. Pull emotional vampires away from me.Work with who and what I am, and allow that to develop and evolve. But even more important: I have to just be. And stop thinking about the how, why, when, with who etc. in there, plotting my actions or lack thereof accordingly.

And somehow, that knowledge brings a tremendous calm. Today on our way back from picking up the kids, who had spent the weekend at an aunts, the sun which was already setting disappeared behind a cloud and the result was an absolutely magnificent red/golden light, turning the edges of the cloud into pure fire, with rays of sunlight from behind the cloud going in all directions making it look like a giant star shaped pattern painted upon the skies. Breathtaking.. And for a brief moment all the world was perfect balance, perfect peace, and the silence, even though we were in the middle of heavy traffic and the radio was on, was overwhelming.

Just be. The simplest, and yet hardest, thing to do. I am going for it. With those who truly love me right by my side, and those who cannot accept it out of my life. Its all good.

Back to nature?

2006-09-29T18:45:00.000+02:00

This morning, cycling home after taking the kids to school, I was thinking about how they "paved paradise and put up a parking lot" as the song goes. In other words, how far we have drifted away from nature. I have often said I would be perfectly happy in a cabin in the woods, with just the basic needs for survival, the people I love around me, and a fast Internet connection :). And I wasn't joking. Most of what "modern society" has to offer, I can easily live without.

I have been called a savage by various family members for as long as I can remember. My earliest childhood memories are from the time dad and me lived with my grandparents in Zandvoort, one of the Netherlands busiest seaside resorts. I was around 4 years old, then. In between our garden and the sea was nothing but dunes and for some reason the trees, the sand, the wild life (well not all that wild, just rabbits and birds and hedgehogs and the like) and of course the sea attracted me like a magnet. No matter how often they told me I wasn't allowed outside the garden, punished me, told me it was dangerous etc... I always managed to sneak away unnoticed and spend hours and hours in the dunes or at the beach, playing, or just sitting and watching nature around me.

Later on in life I was quite active in Scouting for 10 years in a row, all the way from brownie to girl scout leader. I learned how to use a compass, tie knots (boy did I learn how to tie knots, and yes, it comes in handy during.. other activities now ;)), navigate using the stars, first aid, build stuff from logs and rope, cook on fire, and many more things. And I have never lost this love for the outdoors, and grabbed every chance I got to sleep outside, in a tent, a teepee even.. provided it is the real outdoors, not this weird way of spending their vacation lots of people seem to enjoy. What's the fun in being on a huge camping, tents and caravans side by side for as far as you can see, with water and electricity and cable TV and all right next to your camping spot? I have never understood that. You pay a fortune to spend your holiday in a linen/aluminum version of a suburb. It's just like home, only everything is less comfortable, smaller, and looks like the cheap plastic it is actually made of. Oh and the neighbors can hear everything you say or do without using a glass to press against the walls. Bleh.

I guess the worst thing about it all is we don't even miss this feeling of being in touch with nature any longer. Well, most of the time anyhow. I'm off to spend time with my garden. I hope it still recognizes me.

Story of the little finger

2006-09-22T17:54:00.000+02:00

I had a pretty rough nite last nite. Mike woke me up at 4, he had diarrhea so I spent the next hour and a half changing his bed, going back to sleep, being woken again coz he was crying and feeling miserable etc. Finally around 5:30 I went back to sleep and had an utterly weird dream. Maybe it makes sense to you, if not: have a good laugh. So this is the story of the little finger, Stephen King eat your heart out.

I was sitting in my chair at my desk when I felt a stinging sensation in the little finger on my left hand. A sharp superficial pain, like a paper cut. I examined it and found that indeed there was a cut there. First thought was: hmmz, must have cut myself without realizing it, prolly while doing my paperwork. When I examined the finger more closely I found that the cut was all around the finger, I careflly pulled a little to see how deep it was and the whole top half of the finger came off. I sat there for an instant,
staring at my detached body part. It did not hurt at all, just this slight paper cut type sensation. It was a very clean cut, as if it had been done with a laser or so. No blood, and apparently the nerve endings had been killed so it did not hurt. The two halves of the pinkie were somewhat wet and sticky so I could put them back together and the top half of the finger would stay on, but slide off again as soon as I moved my hand.

Then I panicked. I ran to Ron and showed him. He looked and was not shocked at all. " Oh, just the little finger, you don't need that". I was startled. " But is has been completely cut off! I need to go to the hospital now!". He gave me a "stop nagging" look but I insisted and finally he said "Oh well, if you think you should.. go to the hospital then". I wanted to call a taxi but he said the hospital was only 15 mins by bike so I did not need a taxi. And so I set off on my bike, holding the steer with the injured hand and
holding my finger with the other hand so it would not fall off.

I reached the hospital and entered the ER. It was packed with people. I proceeded towards the lady that was doing the intakes and yelled "please help me! My finger has been cut off!". She looked, shook her head and said "Oh just the little finger? You can easily do without that". She pointed at an empty seat in between the crowd and told me to sit and wait there.

I sat there for many hours. People came and went, but no one came to get me. Several times I walked over to the lady at the counter and was sent back to my seat every time, in a very irritated tone of voice. " We handle the emergencies first". I felt devastated, knowing that the detached part of my finger by now probably had deteriorated so much there was no way they could still sew it on again and make it functional.

Finally I was directed to a separate room and was told to sit on a table behind a white curtain. After a while a lady came in, wearing a white doctor's coat that you could easily see through, nothing underneath. She had a medium brown mulatte skin, very short black hair, twinkling blue eyes and her body was shaped to perfection. She just stood there, looking at me. I stared back and asked "Who are you?". She grinned, then said " I am you, only better". She examined my finger and said " Oh well, just the little
finger, you can easily live without it." I stressed that I really, really wanted it back on and she shook her head. " That's aestetics only surgery, insurance does not cover that and we already checked your financial background.. there is no way you can afford it". I now knew for sure I had somehow ended up in a totally mad dimension and asked her: " so... what do I do?". She was already leaving the room but stopped and turned around. She then gave me a fantastic smile and said: " Just remember who I am." Then she was gone.

Then I woke up sweating and found that the little finger of my left hand was trapped under my body and hurt a little bit because of the lack of blood flow.

I think the feeling of me being the only one worrying about my lost finger is a direct result of me feeling like I am the only one worrying about this one way path I am on and the closed doors behind me.I guess this feeling and the finger getting stuck under my body caused that part of the dream. I just don't get
where the female doctor (but was she?) fits in, who she is.

What I gathered from what she told me is that I am to accept my present condition and be happy with it, because the cost of going back to who I was before is too high and unacceptable. And apparently, I was the only one seeing my present condition as a problem. Maybe no longer being able to be a workaholic hotshot manager type isn't a bad thing. Maybe the other qualities I have since developed can be put to use somehow.

This afternoon a job agency called me about a temp job, doing acquisition by phone and I said no, that's not what I am good at, I hate being a "jehovah's witness by phone" trying to sell people stuff they really don't want. She said okay, then later on phoned me back and said she thought I really was the right person for the job. It's parttime, 3 days a week, the company is not selling a product but sells its creativity to help companies create the best possible advertisement campaign on radio or TV (they did the last Amnesty Internationl campaign amongst others), in magazines, the best possible stand and presentation on congresses etc. and my job would be to phone companies, explain what the company does and make appointments for the
sales people to sell those concepts. A creativity thinktank sort of thing. Its for 3 months and if all goes well there is a possibility to become an account manager after that. They were looking for a creative, out-of-the-box kind of person and so the lady at the job agency remembered me (I had been there once 2 months ago and we had not spoken since, apparently I left quite an impression as she could still describe what I looked like). Soooo my CV is at the employer's desk now and hopefully I will hear soon wether they
want to talk to me. And the funny thing is I really hope they want to talk to me, I so want this job, which is weird coz only yesterday I came to the conclusion that going back in the ratrace will never work for me. And then opportunity knocks and the cards are reshuffled.

Sigh. Life. Every time I think I understand the game, they change the rules.

This was today's madness report, now back to the studio.

Angel down

2006-03-06T19:23:00.000+01:00

I' ve been called an angel numerous times. I guess this is because it is in my nature to help people, comfort them, pull them out of the pit if they fell in. Don't get me wrong, I don't see this as an achievement of sorts, its just who I am.

But sometimes, it gets too much and I desperately need time to myself without anyone needing me, wanting me. The past weekend was rough. Having hubby and the kids home is always hard because they all need alot of my attention and this weekend was worse than average due to my girl being sick and her being autistic, that means she requires my attention almost constantly.

I did a long DJ session for a sim opening in SL on Saturday night and I kept getting disconnected from the server, so by the time the 5 hours I was scheduled for were almost over I was stressed out to the max. I know it wasn't my fault and that the Internet at times is fallible, but I so would have loved to give those people a good time and good music, instead of spending most of my time trying to reconnect while explaining to them I was really trying to get back on and that I was sorry about all this. *sigh*

After that, I of course did not sleep. Had to get up early again on Sunday to do my regular Dj shift at Succubus, and divided my time during the rest of the Sunday between talking to friends (most of which were again "counselling" type of talks) and taking care of my family.

Went to bed on time, was woken by the alarm at 7 still feeling miserable and overtly tired, dragged myself to school to take my son there, and now back home, taking care of my sick girl, tidying up some of the mess the family created over the weekend (toys everywhere, hubby's desk looking like an ash tray on feet, etc.) and preparing for my next DJ session at the club.

An online lover approaches me, we talk and virtually cuddle some, he wants sex and I turn him down. And feel bad for doing so but.. I dont have the time now, nor the energy, nor even the sex drive.

And I realize I miss a mate. Somebody to stand by me, to tell me to stop running around like crazy. Somebody who doesn't need anything from me.While selecting music I listen to Frankie goes to Hollywoods "the power of love" and the words echo in my ears.. "I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door". And I sigh. Then do what I usually do when this mood strikes me.

I grab Spencers "The art of the warrior" from my desk and read. Take a deep breath, get up to bring my girl tea and some fresh fruit, cuddle her and watch her cling to me and beam at me. Ahhyes. I ground myself by just standing, pushing my feet almost into the floor, raising hands and soaking up the energy around me. Pour myself a large mug of coffee and as I am standing next to the espresso machine waiting for coffee to be ready, I feel my wings unfold again.

To the Batmobile, Robin ;)

Dreaded Wednesday

2005-09-21T20:25:00.000+02:00

Yes, it is that day of the week again. The day when Ron doesn't come home but goes to spend the evening with his girlfriend/subbie straight after work. A dear friend named it Dreaded Wednesday, because I used to feel sad and emotional on Wednesdays, especially during the evenings. Even though logically I was 100% okay with the concept, the thought of Ron being with another woman and especially: a submissive woman at times made me wallow in self pity, feel totally rejected, betrayed even. The little girl inside me would stamp her feet and go: not fair! I've been waiting for you for six dang years and now that you're finally back on your feet again, you chose to share that with another woman, just because I couldn't immediately go back to being fully submissive, but what did you expect after so long, huh? *I* want those heights, *I* need to go back to subspace cloud nine. *I* am the one who put my own needs and desires in the freezer for so long and took care of you while you were sick or depressed or stressed.

The truth, however, is an entirely different story. My little girl tends to see things from her little girl perspective and even though what she feels is very real, it is only a small part of the whole story. I did a lot of soul searching, and got help from several friends who gave me their perspective on how they saw me. One of them said: "Kit, you're an incredibly strong, smart, independant woman. You don't need to be dominated, you don't need somebody to run your life for you. You're perfectly capable of doing that yourself. All you need, is to feel loved and cherished, a warm hug at times, and somebody who, out of love, at times either pushes you to do things you don't like and keep postponing, or hits the brakes because you have this tendency to do way too much in way too little time." And I just stood there, and nodded, and I knew he was so right.

And so I found that what I thought I was longing for but couldn't give in to.. was merely a hanging on to memories of that period at the beginning of my relationship with Ron. I was insecure, hurt, just got out of a nasty divorce, alone with two small kids, an emotional mess. But I am not that girl anymore. In fact, comparing that girl to me now makes me realize how much I have changed, and how much I have grown since. Back then, taking a severe whipping was fantastic. I loved it, not because of the pain because I have never liked pain (other than my slight masochism during sex) but I craved the feeling of being alive, of being that strong, being pushed and showing I could actually do it, take it, go there. I needed rules to live by, somebody telling me what to do, because it brought structure in the mess in my mind, and gave me the chance to heal without being distracted by having to run the show.

During the next stage, D/s and BDSM were part of my learning curve. I still needed them, not because my life was a mess without them, but because they offered me ways to improve myself, to grow. They taught me things like discipline, patience, putting my own wants and needs aside, seeing things from a new perspective, value things I had always taken for granted. It helped me deal with, sometimes very primal, fears. It changed my thinking and my outlook on life, detached me from society imposed behaviour and thinking. I started reading an incredible lot. Crowley, Castaneda, Millman, Gurdjieff, Sun Tzu. I studied many different spiritual subjects and learned from every one of them, without adopting any of them as *the* truth. I just took what I found useful and created my own belief system, my own values. I became the warrior I wanted to be, and grew stronger and stronger at an incredible speed.

At that point in time Ron told me he wanted L. to become his girlfriend/sub and, much to my own surprise, I could honestly tell him I was fine with that. The fear of loosing him was gone. I was strong enough to share. Then of course when he actually went to see her on a regular basis, I had my bad moments. I have cried, been very angry with both of them, not understanding any of that the next moment because after all.. I didn't even really want to sub anymore. Until I realized what was really happening. I wasn't sad because she was getting what I wanted. I was mourning the loss of my deeply submissive self. Holding on to the memories of that first episode in our relationship, and craving the deep feelings that came with it. Once I realized this, I started working on completing the mourning process. Talked to Ron about what I felt an awful lot, discussed it with people who know me very well, and all of them told me everything was allright, just a new stage, new challenges, new goals. And more importantly: new balance. And new ways to reach that state of utter bliss.

Today is my first Non Dreaded Wednesday. I am no longer sad or afraid to be alone this evening. I am looking forward to having the house to myself and do exactly as I like. Free as a bird and wow.. my wings are strong. With a big thanx to the people who are the wind beneath my wings.. you know who you are. And to Sue: thank you for the lessons.. I think I just hit 100%.

Nils Illigitimus Carborandum

2004-11-08T20:56:00.000+01:00

This must be one of the most difficult periods in my life. Our house is for sale and we have no idea where to go once it's sold. Our financial troubles are major, and for some reason we can't seem to find jobs that solve the situation. Although I have started working again, part-time as a telemarketeer we still are in it up to our necks.

I have never been very good at facing insecurities. I neeeed to know what's next, and when, and how. Not knowing is killing for a control freak like myself, and the fact that we have kids we feel extremely responsible for doesn't make it any easier.

But somehow, we manage to not only keep on fighting, but smile during the bigger part of the battle. For some reason, we are still going strong, still laughing a lot, still having many great moments as a family. Friends and acquaintances who know about our situation ask us: how can you go on and be so happy? I would be worried sick and not sleep a wink if I were you.

The answer is simple. A mixture of the old saying "count your blessings" and determination. Plus the three most important things in martial arts: focus, focus, focus. All this boils down to doing what we can when we can, and not worrying about a thing the rest of the time. Enjoy the good things we do have, our relationship, the kids, the warmth of this household and our friends. Simple things like reading good books or watching thought provoking programs and films. And no, it doesn't work all the time, we have our moments of sadness and despair. But never for long.

For some reason, life itself has decided to throw us a curved ball. There is very little we can do about that fact, but we do have a choice in how we respond to it. We chose to fight. To keep our heads up. To not let it get to us. The "Latin with a wink" saying I chose as the title for this entry says it all. Nils Illigitimus Carborandum. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Contemplating

2004-08-26T14:52:00.000+02:00

The process of mourning and grief has been well examined by scientists. It goes through several stages, although not necessarily in any particular order. Sometimes we shift from one stage to another and back but we have to complete each stage before we are fully able to integrate the loss of a dear person in our life, and move on.

The initial stage is best described as denial and numbness. Although we rationally know what happened a part of us refuses to accept it. We go numb, going through the motions of everyday life without really experiencing the world around us. It feels, as if our heart has been ripped out and although we do cry a lot when the reality of our loss strikes us, we try to lock ourselves away from it, endlessly searching for things that link us to the deseased one like pictures, music, memories etc.

Then there is the anger. Once the emotions we have locked inside surface, anger (combined with sadness) is likely to be the way we express this. Over and over we ask ourselves why, why this person, why now, why does life have to be so unfair. This anger is likely to also be directed at anyone who is related to the deceased one, like other family members, the doctor that treated the deceased one, and even at ourselves. We create if.. then scenarios to try and find a way we might have kept it from happening or might have made more out of the relationship we had with him/her. We feel guilty towards the ones close to us because we obviously aren't in the best of moods nor participating much in everyday life. We reevaluate our relationship not only with the deceased one, but at the same our own relationship with life and the ones surrounding us, as well as our personal beliefs and motives.

Finally and inevitably, there will be acceptance. Life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and the ones we care for to make the very best of it. Once we realize this, we can start using the energy that up till then was used to mourn, be sad and be angry for restructuring our life. I have often said it: what does not kill us makes us stronger, and this is true, but it takes time to reroute that energy and any attempt to speed things up will only result in it to go slower.

At this moment, Ron is going through much anger and sadness. He pretty much does not want to see or talk to anyone, and the energy he radiates is so utterly present I can almost see it with my eyes. Once more, I have to deal with his pain and meanwhile keep this family going, shield him from well meant but unwanted attention from people he really does not want to see right now, spend time with the kids etc. I have to be there when he needs me and become invisible when he wants to be alone with his own thoughts. Once more, I have to be a warrior in the only way I can be one, live up to my credo that is the essence of who and what I am: to serve, to heal, to protect.

In the past, I thought of physical pain as the thing that would cause me the worst pain to deal with and submit to in this life. I was so utterly wrong.. The hardest thing, and at the same time the biggest challenge is to accept his pain, to accept I cannot make it better, and to submit to the forces of the Universe bringing all this upon us. Am I learning? You bet I am. But I am far from being perfect nor do I believe I ever will be. I do what I do, in the only way I can do it. It is who I am, and I strongly believe it is part of the reason why he and I were bound to be together. And together, we will survive.

We are Ordeal Path workers and we know one of the consequences of choosing this path is that it will never be easy. But as much as we would like to hide, or take a different path at times.. there is no other way. The strongest swords are forged in the hottest fire, folded time and time again, forged again and again then tested under the most difficult circumstances with no room for minor faults. It is, what distinguishes a real katana from a gift shop souvenir sword.

To the warrior that was slain in battle: I bide you a safe journey and I know we will meet again. To the warrior that is grieving: I salute you and will remain by Your side till the end of times. We will fight, hurt, laugh, cry and love together. You are not alone. We are not alone.

Death of a Warrior

2004-04-24T20:50:00.000+02:00

Death of a warrior

Your boat is sailing now
The glow of the candles brings light to your journey
as you slowly glide towards new horizons
Slain in battle, brave warrior
Too soon, too cruel

We stand on the shore and cry in pain and anger
We curse at the Gods, he was one of us!
No armour can shield us from this
No weapons to fight it
Apart from one... love

Know now, brave warrior that you are not forgotten
Every tree knows your name and whispers in the wind
He was one of us cries the rain
and reflects your face a million times
As do our hearts

On the other side the warriors that went before await
Come now brother, take your place amongst us
Rest and eat and join in the festivities
You earned your place with honor
and dignity

And while still grieving we too must face another fight
The battle continues each time the sun rises
We know that in our darkest hours you will stand right beside us
Love conquers all and you will always be
one of us

Real

2004-04-20T20:48:00.000+02:00

" 'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you...' 'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit. 'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.' "
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

I found this quote in a book I had forgotten I loved so much. It made me realize just what it is, I admire in Ron. Ron is utterly Real.

We have been through a lot together. Life has given us blow after blow after blow to handle, and many times it was him who was the one to take the major part of the blow. He has been very ill several times and I have watched him fight his pain without ever loosing his patience once. He was laid off by an IT company he loved working for and has been struggling to get back where he belongs workwise since. And now, he has lost his son.

If it is true that we don't get more than we can handle, then someone up there must have an incredible lot of faith in him. Does that sound cynical and angry? Well it should, because that is exactly how I feel, apart of course from tremendously sad to see him hurt so badly. And if everything happens for a reason, then please, somebody, tell me what it is, because you have completely lost me here.

Yet... I see him fighting yet another terrible battle and doing so with dignity, integrity, honor and acceptance. I stood in awe when one of the first decisions he took after it became clear that there was no hope left for his son, was that the boy's organs were to be donated to help and save other people with. If a man, under those horrible circumstances, can think of a thing like that... that's when you know he is Real. Over the past days I have seen him cry or go silent many times, but I have also seen his determination to not go completely to pieces and go on. Or as he puts it himself: we will live on until we survive.

And we will. I know we will. The time will come when this too will have found its place to rest in our hearts, not forgotten, but integrated into all that we are made of. Into all, that makes us Real.

In loving memory of Gerard

2004-04-18T20:49:00.000+02:00

In loving memory of Gerard

On August 17, 2004 Ron's oldest son Gerard has died unexpectedly. Gerard was only 17.

There are no words to even begin describing the sadness this incredible loss is causing everyone who knew him. And apart from the deep sadness there is anger, pain, and non understanding. Life at times can be so cruel and so unfair.

Gerard.. a young dog as one of his friends called him. Reckless at times, but with his heart in the right place and living life to the max. Always positive, straight forward, and with a solid belief in right and wrong. A leader, an initiator, enthusiastic and full of dreams and ideas. A guy all were happy to know and most of all: a guy to be incredibly proud of.

We were so happy that the contact between him and Ron had been reestablished. They chatted for hours and hours via MSN, and only a few weeks ago we went to visit Gerard in his house. We are grateful that at least we have this to look back on. Grateful for the memories. Grateful, for everything Gerard stood for and for the fact that in spite of the circumstances we were able to be a part of that.

One day the pain will fade and find its place in our hearts. But for now, we have no words to express how it feels and so we use W.H. Auden's poem Funeral Blues instead...

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: Put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.